Monday, August 1, 2005

The UNternet

Precision Guided HumorProfessor Hubert J. Farnsworth walked into the room. "Good news, everyone! I received a waiver from the Academy to use my 'What-If' machine again."

Turanga Leela looked up at the old man. "That's great news, Professor. However did you manage it?"

"Ah, manage what?" asked a befuddled Farnsworth.

"Permission to use your 'What-If' machine."

"Oh, my, no. We can't use that. The Academy would never approve!" replied the scientist.

Leela looked at Hermes Conrad and they both shrugged their shoulders.

"However, I could use it to see what would happen if they gave me a waiver. Mmmm, yes," Farnsworth continued, then walked into the next room.

Leela, Hermes, Fry, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender followed.

"Now, let's see. If I can only remember how it works," the professor said as he positioned the "What-If" machine on the table.

The Planet Express crew gathered around the table and watched.

"Now," Farnsworth said, "everyone watch this." He looked at the crew. "Oh."

Professor Farnsworth spoke to the machine, "What if ..." He paused.

He looked at his crew. "What should I ask it?"

Fry spoke first. "I dunno."

"You'll probably ask it something about stupid humans," Bender Bending Rodriguez Unit 22 said. Then, under his breath, "Stupid humans."

Farnsworth lit up. "Ooooh, that's it. Stupid humans." He cleared his throat. "What would the Internet be like if it were run by the UN?"

Hermes opened his Web browser and waited for his home page to resolve. "Darn Internet Explorer. It takes forever to load."

Philip J. Fry looked up. "You still use Internet Explorer? I didn't think that would still be around. We were on version 5 when I got frozen."

Hermes chucked. "Oh, my. That was a long time ago. It's up to version 9 now. We're waiting on version 10, but it's been in beta since 2657. Ah, there it is!"

The bureaucrat looked at his screen and clicked a few buttons.

"Whatcha doin'?" asked Fry.

"Our domain name is about to expire. We have to renew it," Hermes Conrad explained. Then, suddenly, "Sweet Bob Marley's ghost!"

"What is it?" asked Fry.

"I can't renew the domain unless the French agree!" exclaimed Hermes.

Fry was puzzled. "Why in the world do you need the French to agree?"

"Ah, that's right. You were frozen and missed it," Hermes replied. "Well, in the year 2000, Al Gore, who invented the Internet, was elected President of the United States. In late 2001, he agreed to all the requirements of the United Nations to get them to support his wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Syria, North Korea, and Canada."

He continued, "One of the requirements was his handing the Internet over to the U.N. You know, some say if Gore had lost the election, the same wars would have been fought, but the United States would have won. The U.S. was so worn out from the fights in the Middle East and Asia ... and giving in to the U.N. ... that Canada kicked their ass."

"So, the U.N. runs the Internet?" asked Fry.

"Of course," replied Hermes. Then, "Oh, I give up. I'll try again tomorrow." He left the room.

Bender walked over to Hermes' terminal. "Heh-heh-heh. Stupid human. He left his account online."

"Whatcha lookin' for, Bender," asked Fry.

"What! Who? Oh, it's you. I'm going to look for some naked ladies," Bender said.

He clicked a few buttons.

"Awww! That's no fun."

"What is it?" Fry asked.

"Nothing but a bunch of 10-year-olds, starving and homeless. They look like a tsunami hit them. Ah, this is no fun. Stupid Internet!" said Bender as he walked away.

Leela and Amy walked into the room. "Oh, the Internet's up! I'm going shopping!" Amy exclaimed and sat at the terminal.

After a few clicks, she cried, "Oh, that's precious! It's a one-of-a-kind. Everyone's wearing those this year. I'll get one!"

After a few more clicks, she suddenly grew angry.

"What's the matter, Amy?" asked Fry.

"I found what I wanted and gave them my payment information, but they say they haven't received the money!" Amy Wong cried.

"Let me see if I can help," Leela offered and sat down.

"Oh, here it is. The money ended up at U.N. headquarters alright, but never made it to its final destination." She clicked a few more buttons. Then, "Ah, I see what happened. The Secretary General's office used it to pay bribes."

Fry shook his head. "The Internet sucks!"

Professor Farnsworth turned off the "What-If" machine. "Well, will you look at that. You run into ridiculous bureaucracy when you try to perform any functions. You search for something and something wrong comes up. You send money and you never get what you pay for."

The Planet Express crew looked at each other, then back at the professor.

"Darn thing must be broken," said Farnsworth of his "What-If" machine. "Nothing changed at all."


  1. Next thrilling episode...What If the Bolton Virus struck the UNternet?

  2. Hey, that's an idea! Maybe the Alliance will go along with that. It might be fun.

  3. Excellent job.Very well done. I could picture the whole Futurama episode in my head.

  4. Precision Guided Humor Roundup: The UNternet

    The U.N. is looking for another successful entity to sink it's fangs into; and the Internet is in it's cross-hairs. And as unwilling members of the U.N. the Alliance decided to figure out: What would the internet be like if


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