Friday, July 5, 2013
[Marimba ringtone plays]
Hey. It's me.
Who is this?
Me. Or you. From your past.
Um, what do you want?
Yeah, I wanted to call you and tell you it's a bad idea.
What's a bad idea?
Going to see that movie.
that new Lone Ranger move
I'm, uh, not gonna see that.
Then why were you watching the movie trailer on your Apple TV?
I know what you did. Don't go see the movie. Don't.
And why not?
Well, first, it's got Johnny Depp as Tonto. And some guy you've never heard of named Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger.
I've heard of him.
No you haven't. He was in that Facebook movie playing those stupid twins, but you never saw that film. And he was in something else you never saw. So you don't know anything about him.
You forgot about 1981?
What do you mean?
That awful Legend of the Lone Ranger movie with that guy from Mexico who had his voiced dubbed by James Keach and with the horrible song by Merle Haggard.
I remember that.
Yeah, well that 1981 film and this new film aren't The Lone Ranger that I remember.
You don't think it'll be okay?
Have you been paying attention? Or are you just getting forgetful in your old age?
When you were me, you'd sit down on the floor in front of the TV set and hear music from the overture to William Tell and you would get all excited as The Lone Ranger rode across the screen.
"A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty Hi-Yo Silver! The Lone Ranger! With his faithful Indian companion Tonto, the daring and resourceful masked rider of the plains led the fight for law and order in the early western United States! Nowhere in the pages of History can one find a greater champion of justice! Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear! From out of the past come the thundering hoofbeats of the great horse Silver! The Lone Ranger rides again!"
So, you do remember.
Well, this movie ain't them. Those memories. The movie won't bring 'em back. If you want to watch some old shows, use your Roku to search for them. Hulu has some. Amazon has some. You can find them there. But you won't find them in the movie theater with Johnny Depp.
That's a bummer.
No. Go watch the old shows if that's what you want. But, there's no reason you can't have new memories of other childhoods.
You have grandchildren now, including some my age. If you want those old memories, you got Apple TV and Roku for that. If you want new memories, go make some.
Why didn't I think of that?
Um. You did. You just wrote this. Dumbass.