Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Cell phones on planes

Somehow, I either missed that the FCC was looking to allow cell phones on planes, or I blocked it out of my mind.

The biggest problem I see is that I won't be able to grab it from Chatty Charlie and toss it out the window. It's the window part that's the problem. They don't usually let you roll the window down on planes.

So, if I end up on a plane, and some jackass breaks out his Galaxy S 4 and starts holding a conference call, what are my options? Break out my phone and start with the Candy Crush?

Maybe I'll start up a conversation with him.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. That a phone? What kinda phone is that? Hey. Hey hey hey hey. Lemme see your phone. You get the Facebook on that? Hey. Hey hey. Galaxy S 4, huh? iPhone make those? Hey.
That might work, but I'm not sure what's the best approach. So, I decided to consult the experts on pissing off obnoxious people. That's you. The experts, I mean.

If they start allowing cell phone calls on flights, how would be the best way to handle some clown on a loud call?


  1. Hope that they're conducting business with numbers and throw out a bunch of random numbers yourself since after all, everybody knows you can't count while people are rattling off random numbers

  2. Monologuing about your Star Wars action figure collection

  3. sing a song about cashews coming from a fruit

  4. Interject yourself in the conversation and disagree with everything.

  5. Oh and refer to every male as "chief"and woman as "sweetcheeks"

  6. Lean a little closer, and pretend to be paying close attention.
    It may take a minute, however, they will cut the call short.

  7. The old "Ooops, I didn't mean to whack you in the kidney." move

  8. There was never any good reason to prevent cell phone use. But in most cases, they don't work well on planes anyway. All the cell towers are on the ground and their antennas are not pointing up. But I'm sure the airlines would be happy to sell you a data plan.

    The real risk is using one as a detonator, something no airlines are doing anything to prevent.

    As for the previous argument, it is easy to illustrate how stupid that was. TSA will prevent you from carrying nail clippers or 2oz of shampoo because of how dangerous those are. But they will let you carry on a device that can potentially crash the whole plane, killing everyone on board? Oh, but they can just tell you to turn it off and trust everyone.

  9. ... start taking notes. Shake your head in amusement, occasionally.

    ... flip on your phone. Call someone. Start repeating everything your seat-mate says.

    ... Punctuate every one of his/her sentences with the word "butter."

  10. ...start inspecting the air-sickness bags and keep saying, "Jees... they just never make these things big enough."

  11. pull up the ORIGINAL hampsterdance turn up the volume and REALLY rock out.

  12. Take over the arm rest and pretend to fall asleep with your head leaning on their shoulder. Then have your forearm flop over on their lap. Finally, be hard to wake up when they object.

  13. "The voices . . . can anyone else hear the voices? Oh lord, please make them stop . . .I don't want to hurt people . . make the voices stop!"

    Okay, you may be arrested or detained for this on, but the jack*ss will get off his phone.

  14. remember that anyone who would talk on a cellphone on an airplane is a monkey faced hippy. react accordingly.

  15. Mumble so that only he can hear, "Shut up! No I won't! He seems nice...Please be quite... I need the quite... I promised mother no more killing...." Then if he looks at you just smile....

  16. ...that there's only one eleven letter word that they all pronounce incorrectly.

  17. Speak binary loud enough to be heard by his caller: "oh yes oh yes oh yes yes yes oh oh yes..."

  18. Loudly admit that his manly voice is making you moist and not all of it is pee.

  19. Comrade Chairman ObamaDecember 11, 2013 at 10:02 AM

    Ever notice how background noises, while seemingly nothing to you, are disproportionately loud on the other end, even though you're practically yelling? High-pitched noises are the worst, for instance, someone banging around in the kitchen while you're on the phone.

    Well, simply record an mp3 file of the microwave beeping, clanging pots and pans, dishes clanking while unloading the dishwasher and yappy dogs, and play it on speaker while Captain Me is on the phone; wonderful thing is, you don't have to play it loud since those obnoxious high-pitched sounds carry to their phone like nobody's business.

    Or, grab his phone and smash it with a brick. I don't see any reason you can't carry a brick in a backpack onto a plane, do you?

    I remember an old hijacking movie, from the late 80s (I think), where the passengers rose up against the hijackers; one of them was a great big dude who was a boxer (I think), and he wrapped a length of seat belt around his palm, with the buckle resting flat on top of his clenched fist; well, one could do that, and just nail the self-important loud-mouthed cell-phone-on-a-plane-talker upside the head. That'd hurt like hell, wouldn't it?

    I working on a LASEMP device; yes, that's correct, a Light Amplification through the Stimulation of Electromagnetic Radiation device that super-focuses and EMP in a narrow beam in any direction. See where this is going? Have the device in the form of, say, a pen (possibly a cell phone app?? [note to self] ), set the range to 1 or 2 feet, and fire away. Voila: asshat's cell phone is fried! The only problem is that the prototype in my garage weighs 3000 pounds, so it won't be out on the market for a while.

    And, thanks to George Carlin, I'm also working on an odorless spray that doesn't do any damage whatsoever, but when the person inhales it, they're filled with doubt as to whether they're in the right seat, get up, and move.

    Remember in "Dumb and Dumber", when Lloyd and Harry were driving along with that other dude in the van, and they go "Hey, you know what a really annoying sound is? 'EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'"; I bet that'd work, too. It'd probably piss off a lot of people, actually, but it'd be worth it.

    BONUS POINTS: when the host/hostess asks you to keep it down, say, "Yeah?? What're YOU gonna do about it, huh?"

  20. "… flip on your phone. Call someone. Start repeating everything your seat-mate says."

    I like that one.

  21. Say to them: Wtf, why are you pretending to be making a phone call at 30,000 feet where cell phones won't even work?

  22. To number 5 above....

    If you are flying Southwest you should refer to all the men as "Boss" and all the women as "Sugartits"

  23. Every time they pull out the phone, yelp and claim you thought it was a bomb. Then beep for the stewardess to report the violation every five minutes.

    Keep a colicky baby in your carry-on, just in case.


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