Tuesday, April 22, 2014

How to celebrate Earth Day

It was 24 years ago, on the 100th birthday of Vladimir Lenin, that the U.S. first celebrated "Earth Day."

We approached Gaia for comment, but she ignored our requests. So, we don't really know how The Great Mother Earth feels about it.

Quite honestly, Earth don't give a rat's ass about Earth Day. It's actually for us. Well, not me and you, but the hippies that do things like come up with Earth Day.

So, let's do something for the hippies in honor of Earth Day. But what? Here's what I've come up with, but if you have other ideas, I'm up for that:
  • Give a hippie a bath. A fire hose would be good for this. That way you don't have to actually touch the hippie.
  • Burn a forest. It's Earth Day. That's like its birthday or something, right? And what are the Earth's equivalent of candles? That's right. Trees. So light one up for Dear Old Mother Earth.
  • If you want a less public spectacle, particularly one that doesn't involve making Bambi and Woodsy Owl homeless, you could offer a private sacrifice to Mother Earth. Return to her that which came from her. Like a pile of old tires. Plus, that'd make a pretty sweet fire.
  • Punch a hippie. I haven't figured a way to tie that specifically to Earth Day, but isn't punching a hippie a great way to celebrate anything?
That's all I got. What about you? What are some better ways to celebrate Earth Day?


  1. If you do decide to punch a hippie, please be sure to wear gloves. Remember, it is a good idea to avoid actually touching a hippie. As for tying it in to the celebration, just tell them that you wanted to gift them their own personal earthquake.

  2. Watching hippies cry:


  3. Make sure our great planet can been seen from space; turn on as many lights as you can, and make sure they are a bright at possible.

    Give thanks to The Lord for granting us stewardship over this Earth and it's inhabitants.

  4. True story: One Earth Day, AT was really pissed off at a group of hippy activists, and burned a large brick of gas-soaked styrofoam in the parking lot of their HQ.

    Been doing that on Earth Day ever since. Smaller pieces, but it's still cathartic to my anathema of the Cult of Environmentalism.

    Thought about taking it to the next level, but didn't want to be arrested for arson.

  5. AT:
    Need pictures. Without pictures, it didn't happen.

  6. Plant a bio-degradable time capsule -- a totally pointless and counterproductive waste of time, resources, and energy. They should appreciate you thinking like them for one day.

  7. @6 Oppo - "Plant a bio-degradable time capsule"

    So... you mean a seed? :-)

  8. Shoot a Canadian goose that's crapping on your property in the butt with a bb-gun. (Low-power setting, of course, since we only want to sting the bastard.)

  9. My Earth Day Celebration in Central Kentucky

    So Cooter and I heard it was Earth Day today when that Albert Gore fella said on TV that we should all do something to celebrate the earth. We was sitting around wondering what a good celebration would be when we hit on the idea of loading a big ole sign on the back of Cooters Deisel Rig and Driving back and forth through town to tell folks it was Earth day! We got the sign rigged up and Mandy did the lettering for us with extra Spray Paint she had from the dumpster decorating project she did for school. Pops came out to see what we were up to and he suggested some fireworks might be a nice touch when we reached the town square to sort of get everybodies attention. He had some M80’s left over from New Years so didn’t even have to go shopping for ‘em. Ma was out back burning the trash when she hit upon the idea of inviting everybody to a bonfire/cook out. Mandy liked the idea and she and a couple of friends from school printed up a bunch of fliers with the invitation on it. We couldn’t think of how to get em sent out to everyone when Mandy suggested putting ‘em under peoples wipers at the local Walmart. Ma suggested we drop a bunch over the downtown. So we called my cousin Billie who does crop dusting and he agreed to fly Mandy and her friends over town dropping the fliers. I gathered up the old tires for the bonfire and we washed em down good with lighter fluid.

    Lordy there was a bunch of folks that came over for the celebration! We had lawn tractor races, hot dogs grilling, a big ole bonfire going! We all agreed that Earth Day celebrations were a bunch of fun and we want to do it every year! That Al Gore fella sure knows how to have a good time!

  10. When I was growing up, the rock station morning show host always suggested changing the oil in your car, onto the back yard, using nature as your drip pan

  11. In some cultures, the striking of a piñata is considered a suitable display. It appears to me that today is the ideal day to nuke the moon. Since it is last quarter today, I don't think further decorations of crepe paper are necessary. Perhaps the continuing Lyrid meteor showers will add to the festive display.

  12. @10 I did that one year when I flushed the radiator. Not on Earth Day though.

  13. AT: you can't "soak" styrofoam in gas. Gas dissolves stryrofoam, thus a "large brick of gas-soaked styrofoam" cannot exist in the real world. Just for future reference...

    (I learned this the hard way, of course.)

  14. Go home, drink a 6-pack of Pabst and pee off the back deck.

  15. ...how about hippie mass-suicide. The best way to reduce your carbon footprint is to kill yourself.

  16. @13 pbunyan

    facts can be such pesky little things. :)

  17. As a kid, I tried gluing to styrofoam with rubber cement. Um, yeah.

    Polyurea polymers, work, however - a fairly recent development.

  18. Damn it science, stop being so technical. You're wrecking the flowetry of the story. Sheesh, next you're going to be telling me that flowetry isn't a word.

    Anyway, like chucking it into a campfire. Only bringing the fire to the block, not the block to the fire.

  19. There ya go. Styrofoam makes nice, pretty colorful flames. I love throw it on my camp fires too!


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