NASA discovers life on Earth

Hello, I'm Dwayne Brown, NASA's token black guy. And I'm here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they've discovered life on Earth.


Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn's moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.


Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it's freakin' California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?


Tell you what. Let me let these so-called "scientists" tell you themselves about what they've wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?

lolgov - Part the last

Harvey will be back at IMAO soon. And, you'll be able to read new lolbama and lolterizt posts when he returns.

While he's vacationing, I'm offering a poor substitute: lolgov. Which is pretty much an excuse for me to post something lame.

But, on the upside, it did give you the chance to get some of the lol-stuff out of your system. And, as promised, here are the entries that were submitted.

From Larsinkima:


From DamnCat:


From Anniee451:










Returning soon: Harvey's lolterizt and lolbama. If you have something for him, submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Jesus and the ants

Sounds like some band from Athens, doesn't it: Jesus and the ants.

Maybe Seattle. Or Manchester.

Actually, it's part of an exhibit that was at the National Portrait Gallery, which is part of the Smithsonian. I've been to the Gallery of Art, but never to the Portrait Gallery, so I can't say if otherwise it's worth a darn.

Anyway, they've had some exhibit going on there called "Hide/Seek: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture." And that right there is the problem. Who says "portraiture" anyway? A bunch of snot-heads, that's who. You hear somebody use "portraiture" in a sentence, hit them in the head with a stick. They'll thank you for it. Or I will. Either way, you'll be thanked.

But, about Jesus and the ants. One of the exhibits of portraiture is a video. Go figure. And, in the video, is an image of Jesus covered in ants. Only, now the Smithsonian has pulled the video. The guy in charge said "I regret that some reports about the exhibit have created an impression that the video is intentionally sacrilegious. In fact, the artist’s intention was to depict the suffering of an AIDS victim. It was not the museum’s intention to offend. We have removed the video."

Which means it's not his fault he had a video of Jesus covered in ants. It's the fault of Fox News. Or blogs. Or Bush. Or someone else.

I think pulling the video was a mistake. I think they should have found some video of Mohammed covered in ants and included it. Somehow, I suspect that the problem would have been solved in short order, without any Christian having to say or do anything.

Dealing with life on Titan

NASA has some big announcement today. And there's speculation that they found life in outer space.

Where? On Titan, according to the stories.

Why do the news-like people think that's what NASA's big announcement will be? Because of some article NASA posted back in June. It included this NASA-speak:

This lack of acetylene is important because that chemical would likely be the best energy source for a methane-based life on Titan, said Chris McKay, an astrobiologist at NASA Ames Research Center, Moffett Field, Calif., who proposed a set of conditions necessary for this kind of methane-based life on Titan in 2005. One interpretation of the acetylene data is that the hydrocarbon is being consumed as food. But McKay said the flow of hydrogen is even more critical because all of their proposed mechanisms involved the consumption of hydrogen.

What I read into all that is that there are some chemicals disappearing on a moon orbiting a planet that's 9-1/2 times as far away from the sun as the Earth is.

Is there life on Titan causing those chemicals to disappear? Nobody knows.

But what if there is? Is it dangerous life? It might be. Every movie I've every seen about life on other planets involves them trying to kill us, so I don't trust them.

We need to kill Titanians first. And, I think Obama has a plan to do just that.

NASA has been doing outreach to Muslims.

NASA has been planning a one-way space ship trip.

What do these two things mean?

Obama is going to have NASA send suicide bombers to Titan to blow it up.

Damn infidel microbes.

See? Obama knows what he's doing after all. He's the mostest smirt presidential president we've ever had.

Mood music

Columbus radio makes me sad and angry. Columbus, Georgia, in case you didn't know.

Let me explain. The "radio makes me angry" not the "Georgia" part.

I used to work in radio, back in high school and for a little bit afterwards. I know that it's possible to play one song at a time, and not have two overlapping so you can't hear either.

I know it's possible to have one commercial playing at a time, not have two or three playing at the same time.

I also know it's possible to have up-to-date commercials playing, not some Halloween Sale at the furniture store running the week after Thanksgiving.

Columbus radio stations, many of them anyway, don't seem to understand that. The typical listener, I suppose, it just confuses. Me, it pisses off. Because I know what's happening: there's an idiot getting paid money (not good money, but money, anyway) to not do his job right. A job that I could do well (the production board, not the announcing part, though I did both at the same time) when I was in high school.

Maybe I'm odd that way. But, think about it. If you were witnessing someone do something you know how to do, and they always screwed it up, wouldn't you want to say something? Or walk away shaking your head? Or take a stick and ... well, you understand, right?

That kind of stuff makes me just shake my head. But, I get over it easy enough. It's called XM Radio. When I find a local station that is playing good music (doesn't happen often, but it does happen), I'll listen. But, when they start screwing up (which does happen often) I switch over to XM. They don't screw up. At least, not that I've noticed.

The music isn't always what I want to hear. Some of the music from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s really sucked. But, with the number of stations they have, I can usually find something I can listen to. Heck, if Classic Vinyl or Classic Rewind are playing crappy stuff, I'll even drop down to the 40s on 4, or Symphony Hall, or something. The point is, when the local radio stations get me in a bad mood because of their incompetence, I can find something on XM. Happens a lot. I can find music to get me out of a bad mood.

Works for lots of people. That's why they play Christmas music on the radio starting in August. Seems like that's when they start it.

XM does the same thing. The playing Christmas music early part. I discovered that a couple of weeks ago when I picked Wife up from work. You see, I normally listen to 60s or 70s music. But, when I picked her up, I switched the radio to XM 23 / Love.

You guys know why. Mood music. You don't have to play mood music for a guy. Heck, listening to music doesn't get guys in the mood. Just the fact we have dangly parts is all it takes to get guys in the mood. And music won't get guys out of the mood. The only sounds that might get a guy out of the mood might be a baby crying. Maybe. Other than that, most guys are ready to go at the drop of a hat. Or at the drop of a skirt.

Women, though, are different characters. That's why XM Radio (and Sirius, on channel 3) has that Love Songs channel. There are some guys helping out in programming, and they understand.

Anyway, I put the radio on Love Songs just as Wife got into the car. Mood music. And, it worked. Seems that, until the end of the year, instead of Love Songs, that channel is now Contemporary Holiday Favorites. Christmas-like music featuring John Mayer, Colbie Caillat, Josh Groban, Michael Buble, and other people I've never heard of. In fact, I though Josh Groban coached the Raiders at one time. Or was it Tampa Bay?

Anyway, as mood music, it worked. Only, instead of us running home and getting busy, we went to Walmart. And Kmart. And Sears. All on the same night.

And, other stores on nights since then.

Yep, that mood music really works.

Maybe we need some mood music for other things, too.

If we could find out what radio Obama listens to, maybe we could get them to play songs to make him, I don't know, actually be an American president. Like "God Bless the USA." Then again, I'm not sure Obama believes in either of those.

I wonder what Obama listens to. What kind of radio programs gets him in the mood to do the things he does. Does SiriusXM have an Incompetent Channel? If so, they need to change it. And fast.

What to do about WikiLeaks

Everyone is shocked -- shocked! -- to discover that WikiLeaks has continued to release secret and confidential documents despite the urging of the Obama administration.

It's almost like Obama can't make people act nice by asking them. Didn't the whole world listen to the 2008 campaign? Obama can stop the oceans from rising; he should be able to stop Iran from developing nukes and Julian Assange from releasing documents that are harmful to the U.S. interestes.

Unless, of course, Obama isn't really interested in American interests. But that's silly. I mean, it's not like he grew up in another country. It's not like Obama is interested in a post-America world. It's not like he's bowing to foreign leaders.

No, there's no evidence whatsoever that Obama is secretly cool with the WikiLeaks releases. And, despite Obama being the most awesome thing since man descended from the trees and discovered TiVo, Assange went ahead and released the documents.

Now that the impossible has happened, what can Obama do about it?

• Blame George Bush
• Go golfing
• Play basketball
• Send Joe Biden to talk to Julian Assange
• Increase pat-downs at airports
• Go on vacation
• Extend the healthcare law
• Send SEIU personnel to "talk" to Julian Assange
• Go golfing
• Let tax cuts expire
• Email Assange a Microsoft Windows virus
• Release the GTMO detainees
• Go golfing
• Give an speech, using a woman who will lose her job in six months as a prop

Perhaps there are other things Obama can do to temper the damage of these leaks and prevent future leaks. Ideas? Anyone?

Sun of a ...

You hear about that woman that owns the sun? No, really. Angeles Duran owns the sun. And she's going to charge you money to use it. That's according to a report from The Daily Mail. Of course, that's in England, the country that, along with France, came up with the whole Divine Right Of Kings idea, so you never know what kind of gag they're liable to fall for. Anyway, this Spanish woman now owns the sun. Which means you now have somebody to sue when you get a sunburn. I wonder if I can sue for that bad sunburn I got back in Kuwait? Maybe I could sue her for trespassing if her sun shone through my windows one morning when I was trying to sleep in and it woke me up? Then, again, Al Gore might start blaming herfor Global Warming^TM. Or, maybe I could lay claim to some heavenly body. Halle Berry comes to mind. No, let's not get silly. Let's consider this and be serious (Sirius?) about it. What celestial object would you lay claim to? And why?