Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Sir, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to settle a dispute. The year 2020 is upon us. We are to choose the servants that shall be the standard bearers for the top offices.
And what say you?
Sir, I want to go on record as saying that Elizabeth Warren is our best chance to defeat Trump.
No, no. Corey Booker. That's who we need to run.
You're both crazy. Kamala Harris is those two put together.
What about Bernie?
Beto O'Rourke! He's unstoppable!
You mean unless he runs against Ted Cruz?
I've had it up to here with you! I'll...
Still your tongues or I shall remove them!
If I might, sir. How did we ever find ourselves in this situation? Surely the ... um, shall I say Forces of Light ... did not intervene. The current officeholder is not one that would be chosen by ... Him. Is he?
Of course not. But, as you recall, our standard bearer in 2016 reached an agreement with me personally. Her soul for the presidency.
You've agreed to that type of bargain before. What happened?
She was unable to fulfill her end of the bargain. One cannot offer what one does not possess.
That, sir, is why I suggested Bernie Sanders last time. He didn't offer anything. He has been a willing puppet for years, and would have been a wonderful addition to our lineup of former officeholders.
And do not forget, we must also select the vice presidential candidate.
I suggest Kermit Gosnell. He has proven himself.
Isn't he still in jail? Killing babies wasn't as cool then as it is now.
I suggest Hat McCullough.
He's a South Park character. He's not even real.
Neither is Elizabeth Warren's resume. He'd be perfect for her.
I have considered and I have decided. We shall not intervene.
But sir! We must select candidates who represent what we stand for.
Those in leadership of the party have proven their methods of selecting the presidential candidate meet the standards upon which we insist. They have not let us down in the past. I trust them to select candidate that will do our bidding.