Thursday, October 31, 2013

Trick or Treat

Not getting a lot of Trick-Or-Treaters coming up to the porch tonight.

I wonder why.

Yes, that's me.

Be safe.

She likes me. She really likes me.

Having only recently upgraded to a newer iPhone that has Siri, I'm still getting used to it. Some stuff is great. Other times, it's unexpected. And sometimes, it's unexpected in an unexpected way (unexpected2).

If Orson Welles had been born 75 years later...

ANNOUNCER: The Columbia Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations present Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre on the Air!

[MUSIC: "Piano Concerto No. 1 in B-flat minor, Op. 23" - P. Tchaikovsky, arranged and conducted by Bernard Herrmann]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen: the director of the Mercury Theatre and star of these broadcasts, Orson Welles ...

ORSON WELLES: We know now that in the early years of the twenty-first century this country was being watched closely by beings different than normal man and yet as mortal as he.

We know now that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.

With infinite complacence people went to and fro over the nation about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small spinning fragment of solar driftwood which by chance or design man has inherited out of the dark mystery of Time and Space.

Yet across an immense ethical gulf, minds that are as different from our minds as ours are to the beasts in the jungle, intellectuals, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this country with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

In the thirteenth year of the twenty-first century came the great disillusionment. It was in October when the attack plans reached fruition. Obamacare was a reality...

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Tweeting hooters

Now they have a bra that tweets.


According to a report in Times of India, there's a bra that sends a tweet every time it's unclasped. It only tweets in Greek, though. Which, I assume, means the guy undoing the bra from its wearer is looking directly at the clasp. (Some of you will get that. The rest of you, don't worry about it.) But enough of that.

I suppose it's for a good cause. It's to promote Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And, if letting the world know your boobies have been unleashed increases Breast Cancer Awareness, then, yeah.

I have a feeling, though, that it won't be long before this technology is used for less worthwhile causes. Like promoting Obamacare.

For instance, every time a body bag is zipped up, the Obamacare Twitter account tweets that the Death Panels have scored another win.

Until that day -- and it's probably not that far off -- we're content with Greek Boobie Tweets.

Its all we have before we all go tits up.

Monday, October 28, 2013

I'm a RINO

It's time for me to come clean. I'm a RINO.

That terrible label that's been attached to the squishes that always give in and don't hold true conservative beliefs? R-I-N-O? "Republican In Name Only?"

I think I'm actually the RINO.

I say that because I'm finding more and more that the Republicans aren't the conservatives. Being a conservative and aligning yourself with a Republican doesn't make Republicans conservative. It just means you're aligning with the least liberal, least horrible of the viable options.

I don't really want to take up the label "RINO" because of what it has represented. But, the reality is, the Republican Party isn't a bunch of conservatives. But, a bunch of conservatives vote for the Republicans.

We got two options: take over the Republican Party, or form our own party.

The problem is, we're so independent, it's hard to get together and all work the same. For instance, some conservatives have varying issues on religion. Some are atheist. Some are agnostic. Some are Catholic. Some are Baptist. Some are Jewish. Some are one of any other number of variations on Christianity, Judaism, as well as other faiths (and lack of faiths).

That, in turn, leads to varying beliefs on issues like homosexuality. I believe it's contrary to Scripture, and, therefore, a sin. But, I'm not one to yell in my homosexual friends' and family members' faces, saying they're going to hell. I don't think they are, but I think homosexuality is a sin. However, some disagree strongly with me about it, saying there's nothing wrong with it. Others disagree the other way, saying I should be getting all up in their faces. And, others disagree in varying degrees one way or another.

I'll stop there, but it shows how on those two issues, conservatives can't agree on one common response. If we try to form our own party, effectively splitting from the GOP, we'll splinter even further into varying forms of conservatism. Kinda like what happens when a Baptist church splits. A town starts with one and suddenly, there's Baptist churches everywhere. Not always because they're setting up missions that turn into full-fledged churches, but usually because somebody doesn't like the new carpet (great Aunt Gladys bought the old carpet), or the preacher's tie is too wide, or the organist shops at the wrong store, or something equally silly.

I think there's a party in place that we can take back. Goldwater put the seeds in place in '64. Reagan took control in '80. In the intervening time, we lost it. Whether its because those we put in office start playing the game of staying in power rather than doing the will of the people, or its because they were slimy weasels to begin with, the Republican Party isn't run by conservatives. We get lip service. And not the good kind.

I may actually be one of the ones who are Republican In Name Only. Because I'm actually a conservative.

We need good, young, strong, principled conservatives running for office and leading the party. Instead of a bunch of weasels who are just enjoying the Party at our expense.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Maybe they paid by the word

The New York Times reports that the Obamacare Website contains 500-million lines of code.

That's a lot. That's like a million, but 500 times that.

Developer Alex Marchant decided to do a comparison of and other applications. And it ain't pretty.

[Alex Marchant blog]

It's bigger than Windows XP. It's bigger than Facebook. It's bigger than OS X Tiger (which had code to support both Intel and RISC chips).

I suppose it's part of the government logic to throw more at it. When their programs fail, they throw more money at it. When regulations fail, they throw more regulations at it. And, that same logic gets us a Website that's 6 times bigger than Facebook and is not nearly as secure. Or helpful.

Maybe if they improved the Obamacare site by adding Candy Crush.

Instead, of wallet crush.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Last weekend, in Texas, the Aledo High Bearcats beat the dog snot out of the Western Hills Cougars. How bad? The 91-0 score knocked the Western Hills Website offline.

I hate it for the Cougars, but stuff happens. Sometimes you get your butt kicked. Even by teams that are playing second-stringers in the first quarter.

So, how do you deal with it? Well, if you're a cry-baby parent, you file a complaint accusing the winning team of bullying.

It's not bullying. It's football. Of course, I'm from Georgia. That's the same state where Georgia Tech is located. And Georgia Tech is the team that beat Cumberland 222-0 in a game one time.

Now, in that game, head coach John Heisman (yes, the guy they named the trophy after) was trying to run up the score. Earlier that year (1916), Cumberland used professional players in a baseball game against Tech (Heisman was also the baseball coach, as well as basketball coach), beating the North Avenue school 22-0. Heisman didn't like that, not one little bit. So, in October, he had the football team run up the score. They stopped at 222 points. Because the game ended.

That's football. It's not bullying.

Nobody wants to be on the high school team that got beat 91-0. But nobody wants to have their mommy run call the opposing coach a bully.

Maybe the Western Hills Cougars should file a complaint ... against whiny parents.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

When critters attack

What's up with animals acting all crazy and stuff? We had spiders sabotaging Toyotas. Now, we got oarfish invading California. There was one found last week on Catalina Island. Now, another one has shown up.

I don't know what they're up to, but those giant fish -- they can grow over 50 feet long -- have something in mind. And I think they're in cahoots with the alligators.

In Apopka, Florida, an alligator set up outside the door to a Walmart, scaring folks away. It left after a while, but it made its point: that Walmart is on its turf.

So, what's up with the animals? Well, I checked The Revelation, and while there is some weird animal stuff in there, it's mostly seven heads, ten horns kinda things. No spiders, oarfish, or alligators though.

And that's scary.

But not as scary as the people that you find inside a Walmart.

Maybe the alligators are on our side after all.

Monday, October 21, 2013

When spiders attack

I'm going to say it right up front: I don't like spiders. They got too many eyes, too many legs, and I don't trust them.

Spiders will attack you in all kinds of ways. They'll crawl up in your ears at night when you try to sleep. They'll hide in your shoes. And, I can't prove this, but I think they'll mess with your toothbrush when you're not home.

You just can't trust a spider.

And guess what they're doing now? They're setting off the airbags in your Toyota. Really:
Sometimes, their webs can create a blockage in a drainage tube coming from the air conditioning condenser. That can cause water to drip down onto an airbag control module, causing a short circuit. That, in turn, could cause the airbag warning light to light up on the dashboard and it could even cause the driver's side airbag to deploy, something that happens with explosive force.
That's right. Not only can you be driving down the road and a spider crawl out and jump on you, but the spider could cause your airbag to pop you in the face at 55 MPH. There's no good outcome that.

Spiders are bad, and are now using technology against us. They need to check and see if the problems with the Obamacare Website are that there are spiders in it.

They also need to check the heads of the people that came up with Obamacare. I bet they've got spiders in there, too.

It would explain a lot.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Trouble over comments

Did you hear about the court in Estonia that ruled that a news Website was responsible for comments people left there?

Yeah, I know. I was shocked, too. I didn't realize that Estonia was a real place. I thought it was one of those places in storybooks where talking lions or goat-footed men live. Of course, it could be real and have talking lions and goat-footed men living there. I've never been to Estonia, so I don't know.

Anyhow, some story was written in 2006 that a bunch of people got their panties in a wad about. Something about roads and ferries. Or maybe it was fairies. Kinda hard to understand what was going on unless you actually read the story, and the Wall Street Journal wants money to let you read it.

Here's the deal: some court ruled that the Website should have known that comments could have had a detrimental effect on the company in the story. And, when they let people write nasty comments and left them up, they (the Website people) were to blame.

So, does that mean that if you clowns up and say something nasty about others that this Website is responsible?

Well, apparently so. In Estonia.

That kinda puts a damper on Frank's plan to relocate to Estonia. I was kinda looking forward to the talking lions. Not so much the goat-footed men.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


Shutdown has hurt the economy.

Oh, wait. That was Obama. Shutdown has actually not really done anything bad. Obama and the Democrats have used Shutdown to do bad things -- you know, make things unnecessarily hard for families and veterans and such -- but that's because they're low-life bastards. Shutdown in and of itself? It's fine.

But, it has caused problems for Michelle's Garden. Squirrels are eating up all the tomatoes, according to reports.

Squirrels are vicious, nasty creatures with with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

No, wait. That's not right. They're little furry creatures that will stop eating your tomatoes if you approach them. You don't have to do anything else. Just walk toward a squirrel and it'll stop, jerk it's head in your direction, and, when it realizes you are approaching -- squirrels are stupid and it may take two or three seconds for this -- will scurry away, down the grass or up a tree or anywhere you aren't.

Which means that Shutdown has stopped people from walking toward squirrels.

That's the people that the stupid 52% of Americans voted for: People that can be defeated by squirrels.

Maybe the GOP should run a squirrel in 2016. I'd vote for one over any of the Democrats I've seen.

Friday, October 11, 2013

No humans necessary

Toyota is building a car that will drive itself. Now, they're not the first ones to try this, but since they are a big player in the whole car building thing, it might actually be important.

They say it could be in production "in the mid-2010s." That's not far from now.

But... really? Do I want a car that drives itself? I've already got a lot of stuff that does stuff by itself.

Some years ago, I bought a TiVo. I was able to set it up to record shows that, a lot of times, I never watched. It also made suggestions. It would record shows based on other shows I watched, and they'd show up as "Suggestions." That means the TiVo watched TV for me. It didn't need me there to change the channel and watch a show.

I got a Gmail account and set up folders and categories. When I log on to Gmail, it's already moved my emails around for me. Plus, since it's through Google, a large billion-dollar company and the U.S. government have read my emails. So, I have an email account that reads my emails for me. I'm not even needed for that.

Now, they want to build a car that drives without me?

We're getting closer and closer to the day that robots want to kill a humans and rule the world.

On the upside, it couldn't be any worse than the Obamabots that are running things today.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

CNN geography

CNN ran a story about the Giant Chinese Hornets that included a graphic of a map showing Hong Kong. Only, Hong Kong, according to CNN's map, is located in Brazil, right next to Rio de Janeiro.

[Tip: Chicks on the Right/Facebook]

There's also a YouTube video clip showing it.

But what people don't realize is this isn't the first time they've done something like this.

Here are some other map mistakes CNN has made.

And people wonder why Americans are dumbasses.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Stupid Americans

There's a new report out that says Americans are dumbasses.

According to an Associated Press story, Americans scored lower than average in math, reading, and problem-solving.

Turn out that Japanese, Canadians, Australians, and Finnish adults all did better than Americans. Now, I knew the Japanese were smart. Resourceful, too. You gotta nuke 'em to make 'em quit. But Canadians? Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Canadians or Canadia as a country. They're like Americans, but without all the accomplishments. Unless you count hockey. Even then, it's been 20 years since a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup. Rowsdower would not be pleased.

And Australians? They gave us Yahoo Serious.

I won't say anything about folks from Finland, because I don't that's a real place.

Anyway, Americans all scored lower than those people. That means we're dumbasses.

Unless the test is wrong. Or something.

Maybe it was written in Canadian or Australian. That could explain it. Or maybe all the questions had to do with beer. As much as Americans drink beer, I think the Canadians and Australians would be hard to beat in a beer-drinking contest. Of course, what else is there to do in Canadia or Austria/Australia (whichever)? Stalk moose or crocodiles?

But, then I remember the 2008 and 2012 elections. I'm thinking the test is right. Americans are dumbasses. Or, at least, 52% of Americans are. And that puts us below average.

The good news? When the Finlandfolk come at night to take over America, riding elk to the sound of the Karelia Suite, after they conquer that 52%, the rest of us will swat the Finns like flies. Of course, we won't do anything until they've captured the 52% and taken them back to work as slave labor, tilling the frozen land. As a sign of good faith, we won't ask for the 52% back.

Anyway, with the dumbasses gone, America will score higher on tests. In fact, we'll write our own tests and laugh at the Canadians, Australians, and Finlanders as they try to take them.

But not the Japanese. Piss them off and they'll attack Hawaii.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

We got a T-Rex. Need a rocket.

Shutdown has stopped a dinosaur in its tracks.

There's a T-Rex in Montana that was supposed to go to the Museum of Natural History in Washington, DC. But, what with Shutdown and all, it's not going anywhere until at least April.

You know what this means? There'a a dinosaur all packed up for moving, and it's just sitting there. Waiting.

You know what I'm thinking, right? Someone could take this dinosaur, put some rocket launchers on it, and they'd have ... a dinosaur with rocket launchers!

We need somebody to check and see if Shutdown has any rocket launchers all boxed up stuck in some place, just waiting for someone with a dinosaur to make off with them.

Now, who in the IMAO group is in Montana and has time to run go pick up a dinosaur? You'll probably need a truck. Just tell the people at Dinosaurs R Us (or wherever it is that the dinosaur is sitting) that you're from the government and because of Shutdown, you have to take it so nobody can drive by and see the box of dinosaur.

Give us a shout when you get the dinosaur, and we'll find some rocket launchers. Shutdown has to have some stuck in a box somewhere.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Robot cats

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but robots are taking over the world. In 2013 alone, we've seen reports of vomiting robots, Killer Robot Surgeons, Giant German Robot Apes, Giant Mutant Radioactive Robot Snakes, Pizza-Delivering Underwater Robot Killer Whales, and Vampire Robots.

Well, if that's not enough robots running around causing mayhem and chaos, there's now a robot that's ... wait for it ... running around. It's called WildCat, and it's from those wacky kids at Boston Dynamics.

[The YouTube]

The little gasoline engine is a little odd, but once they figure out how to get it to run on an iPhone or Droid Maxx battery, you best watch out.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

A warning from China

You are aware that the U.S. owes China a lot of money, right? Well, we do. Not millions. Not billions. You know what comes next, right? Yeah, we owe China a buttload of money.

And, we better pay. Or they'll send the Giant Chinese Hornets.

You haven't heard about them?

Vespa mandarinia, it's called. And that's Latin or something meaning "big-ass Chinese hornet." And, they've killed 42 people and attacked nearly 1,700 others ... and that's just since July.

Didn't know China had those, did you? That's why I don't trust the CHICOMs. They're growing giant hornets and loosing them on an unsuspecting populace. But, now that we know, we can be on the lookout.

It's important because, with Shutdown, that means Government isn't spending any more money. Well, it is sending Park Police to close parks that don't receive federal funding, and to keep World War II veterans from visiting the World War II Memorial, which is to be expected from the arrogant asses running things in Washington. But, apart from that normal government stupidity, there's not a lot more money being spent. Which means we aren't building up a lot more Chinese debt.

That's a good thing, because if we owe China enough money, and they get fed up with us always asking for more money, they might release the Giant Chinese Hornets on us.

If you find yourself being attacked by a Giant Hornet, keep calm and ask it a question. Be sure to speak English. If it doesn't understand you, that means it's probably Chinese. Then, you need to run.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


Wow! Shutdown is worse than Sequester.

Wait. Sequester is still going on, right? So we have Sequester AND Shutdown? Arrgghh! How will we survive it?

Already, the moon broke loose from its orbit and is crashing into the sea sometime this afternoon. Plus, in case you missed it, the sun didn't turn on this morning.

Also, iPhones aren't working. Android phones, either. Only BlackBerry phones work during Shutdown. Who saw that coming?

Traffic lights are out. Buildings are collapsing. Breaking Bad won't be airing. It's pandemonium.

Worst of all, the Internetz are down, and you can't even read this brilliant post.

What can we do?


You can't call on the military to defend us as Shutdown roams the streets of America and destroys the pieces of our country that Sequester left standing.

We're doomed, I tell ya. Doomed.