Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Horrors! Republicans wants illegal things to be crimes! The brutes!

DNC Chair Wasserman Schultz is claiming that Republicans want to consider being an illegal alien a crime.

Oh, the humanity! The horror! The ... what's that again?

[Direct link]

Yes, she's appalled that Republicans would want people who are in this country illegally to be considered ... illegal.

Well, well, well. Let's look up "illegal" in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster. Not Urban Dictionary. That's useful for looking up words and phrases you hear on Red Eye. But for regular words that normal people use, Merriam-Webster will do.
illegal: adj \(ˌ)i(l)-ˈlē-gəl\
not according to or authorized by law : unlawful, illicit

Synonyms: criminal, felonious, illegitimate, illicit, lawless, unlawful, wrongful
Antonyms: lawful, legal, legitimate
And those evil, evil Republicans want illegals to be considered the first word listed by Merriam-Webster as a synonym: criminal. Can you imagine.

We did some checking. And she's right. And not only that, here are some other things Republicans consider to be true that are contrary to her and the Democrats way of thinking. Besides being somewhere illegally being a crime.
  • Fire is hot.
  • Water is wet.
  • Sky is blue.
  • Women have secrets.
  • Ice is cold.
  • Grass is green.
  • Diamonds are hard.
  • Circles are round.
  • Bacon is yummy.
  • Roses are red.
  • Violets are purples.
  • Sugar is sweet.
  • So's maple surple.
  • Ducks quack.
It must be nice to be that stupid and still get paid.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day 2011

Memorial Day means, to many, the start of summer.

Many people, it seems, use the time to remember to buy burgers. Or get charcoal. Or pick up some brews.

The rolling of Memorial Day into a three-day weekend has, like the other "Monday holidays," diluted its significance.

But, not everyone forgets what Memorial Day is about.

The families of those who fought and died -- they know what Memorial Day is all about.

The children whose father or mother won't ever come home from war -- they know what Memorial Day is all about.

The wife or husband who won't ever be able to greet her/his spouse at the airport -- they know what Memorial Day is all about.

The grieving parents of a fallen soldier, seaman, airman, or Marine -- they know what Memorial Day is all about.

Everyone who lives in this great country of ours -- they should know what Memorial Day is all about. And most do.

Go ahead and enjoy the cookout. Enjoy the friends and family you have over. Enjoy the day off work.

Just remember who helped make it possible -- and is not here to enjoy it with you.

You should enjoy Memorial Day. But you should also remember.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Even the Twitterz knows

All that fancy technological computer stuff that the Twitterz uses knows that the media thinks just like Barack Obama.

Here's a screen capture from Obama's Twitter page:

See that down in the corner? Where it lists other Twitter users that are similar?

See? I don't see anyone from Fox News listed. Actually, I don't see anyone from CNN listed, either, which sort of surprised me.

When I did a refresh of the page, CBS News did come up. Did a lot more refreshes. George Stephanopoulos, some critter from NPR, and ... Twitter.

Which means that those of you who kept saying Twitter was teh ghey ... may have been right all along.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Replacing Ed Schultz

Thank you for coming in. Have a seat.

Danke, mein Herr!

Just sit down. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about, Hans?

Herr Griffin. I heard about the trouble that Eddie is in. I know he's currently only on suspension ... but everybody knows that an opening could occur.


Ah. I, um, just want you to keep me in mind if the opportunity arises.

Hans, while I appreciate your initiative, I really must say that ... well, I don't see anything in your resume that indicates any broadcast experience.

"Broadcast" ... "experience?"

Yes, here at MSNBC, we prefer to have experienced professionals on the air.


Okay, you got me! We'll put anybody on the air. But -- and understand that there is not currently an opening for Ed Shultz' position -- if we were to put another personality on the air, we want to make sure that person is a good fit.

Oh! I would be a perfect fit, Herr Griffin.

Well... let's see. What do you know about the economy.

I know nothing!

Mmm hmm. What about the legal system in this country?

Nothing! I know nothing!

Hmph. American history?

Absolutely nothing.

The legal system? Education?

Nothing! About everything I know nothing!

Where did work before? Your colleagues?

Ah. Well. I ran a toy factory before the war...

What about recently?

Well, it has been some time. But my last job was working with a bunch Nazis.

Hmmm. Actually, Hans, you do have an impressive resume. You would fit right in around here. If an opening comes up, I'll keep you in mind.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Zo: Examining Black Loyalty to Democrats

Zo. From last year. Worth another viewing.

[Direct link]

Codename "Chalaque"

The reports from the U.K. about the president's codename as assigned by Scotland Yard. It's "Chalaque," which, according to the Daily Mail is a "mildly offensive" Punjabi word meaning, roughly, "smart alec."

They claim it's completely innocent, as the codenames are randomly generated. Of course, adding "Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more" might have undermined that defense.

But what about next time? It's possible that Obama could travel to the U.K. again. I mean, he may discover he's also Wells, and that would mean a trip to his ancestral home, where he'd talk about coming from a long line of Welsh Obamas.

We can help. We can come up with a list of approved codenames for Obama.

For example:
  • Dumbo
  • Vappa
  • Benzona
  • Windbag
  • Ego
Nope. None of those really capture it. What suggestions do you have?


Did you see Chalaque Obama screw up a toast?

Normally, a toast of "To Her Majesty, the Queen" would be sufficient. But not to the World's Smartest Human™. Oh, no. He-Who-Shall-Not-Shut-The-Hell-Up kept on rambling, over the national anthem.

[Direct link]

How many ways can a man embarrass himself, and, by extension due to his position, an entire country?

I propose a toast: To November 6, 2012.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

2012 campaign slogans

The campaign for the White House is underway. Or hadn't you noticed? No? Trust me, it's started.

You'll be hearing all the campaign slogans from all the campaigns soon. If they can come up with some.

I've thrown in with the campaign of fellow Georgian Herman Cain, because he's the most conservative of the candidates. Not a fan of that whole "Fair Tax" thing, but as for common principles, his most align with mine.

But the Cain campaign doesn't really have a slogan. Not that I can tell, anyway. You got a bunch of the "woo-hoo" crowd telling out things like "Yes we Cain!" during the pauses in the candidate's speeches, but not a lot more than that.

No "Change we can believe in" or "Hope and change" or any of those greatest hits from 2008.

Perhaps a candidate can win by actually taking good positions and spelling out a plan, but really, this is the nation that elected Barack Obama. Those kind of short attention span people are going to need something clever to get or keep their attention long enough to mark their ballots.

And that's where you come in.

Help come up with some slogans for the candidates. I'll start:

Herman Cain
He delivers!

Doesn't understand "right of return" or any of the rest of the nonsense the Palestinians are spouting off about.

Ron Paul
Not as crazy as Harold Camping, but close!

Chris Christie
Not really a conservative, but not really running for president, either.

Sarah Palin
Go ahead. Nominate me. That'll piss 'em off, you betcha!

Barack Obama
Not done embarrassing America yet!

Okay, these are lame. I'm sure you can do much better. Have at it.

UPDATE: IMAO readers had some suggestions.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Counting the Cain crowd

So, how many people attended the Herman Cain announcement and rally in Atlanta yesterday?

Cain said 15,000. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution said 10,000.

Who to believe?

Well, the same article talked about his "20-minute speech."

I recorded it. I started the recording as he was walking onto the stage, and stopped it when he left the stage. The video is 33:05:

The ratio of 33:05 to 20:00 is roughly the same as the ratio of 15,000 to 10,000.

I'm thinking there were closer to 15,000 than 10,000 ... based on what I'm seeing, and what I know about how most media outlets over conservatives.

Meeting Herman Cain

Wife and I had the opportunity to travel to Atlanta for yesterday's Herman Cain announcement. We attended the private breakfast beforehand, and had the chance to get close to the candidate.

Well, sort of.

You see, the agenda called for breakfast at 9:15, with Mr. Cain arriving at 9:45.

Only, it didn't work out that way. He got there early.

I had just finished going through the buffet line and was back at the table when he entered the room. And that caused a sudden shift in everyone's activities. Including mine.

I glanced to my left, saw his path was going to take him right by me, and decided to place the plate on the table, and let the rush of folks take me over.

The rush of folks came first.

I was jarred, and my plate of food fell. $2,500 worth of sausage biscuit and fruit hit the floor. Okay, I'm exaggerating about the cost. But, this being a campaign event, some people may have paid that much just to attend. So it's possible, just not factual. Had it been one of them instead of me, then, yes, it would have been $2,500 worth of sausage biscuit and fruit.

But my food did fall. Or the plate did. And the food was on the place. And not all of it stayed on the plate. Some of it bounced off the plate and onto the floor.

So, I'm standing there in the aftermath of a crash of plate, table, chair, and floor, with the person I came to meet just a few feet away. He's ahead of time, and this is a chance to spend some unscheduled time meeting and chatting with him. And maybe ask some questions.

Only, I've got food at and on my feet.

So, I grab some napkins from the table and squat. Meanwhile, there's a crowd working there way past the table and me, trying to get close to Herman Cain. Legs, knees, hands all participating in the rush, and not in a helpful way, either.

I gather all the parts of biscuit and fruit -- the parts of the plate of food that actually left the plate and took up residence on the floor -- in napkins as best I could, then stood and placed the ex-breakfast on the table.

Here I am, standing with buttery, sausage-soaked biscuit and bits of melon on my hands. Wife hands me the hand sanitizer, and I start my Mr. Monk impersonation, rubbing the cleaner as fast and as thoroughly as I can.

I have missed my best opportunity to meet the man I came to see. But, not my last opportunity, as it turned out.

After I finally got all the food off the floor and my hands cleaned, I look for a place to dispose of the bits of the inedibles. I start scanning the room. First, straight ahead, to the podium, looking for Herman Cain, hoping to plan a chance to get up close.

The room was still abuzz, but I didn't see Herman Cain anywhere. Had he made a quick appearance and then departed for some other pre-announcement work before coming back for his scheduled talk?

No, as it turns out, he was at his family's table, talking with his children and grandchildren. I discovered that when I turned to my right and found myself eye to eye with Herman Cain.

He must have quickly glanced at my name tag -- either that or he's a huge fan of this blog; I'm thinking the former, but telling myself the latter -- called me by name, and told me he was glad to seem me as he shook my hand.

I responded in kind, and glanced to the lady on my left. The Wife extended her hand and she and Herman Cain exchanged pleasantries. He introduced Gloria, his wife, and the proper greetings occurred.

He turned his focus to the family at their table, and we turned our focus back to our table.

So, while I did get to meet him, my breakfast malfunction messed up my best chance to actually chat and ask questions.

The sausage biscuit was good, though. The parts that didn't fall on the floor.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Herman Cain's announcement

Atlanta businessman Herman Cain announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

And we were there! And by we, I mean me. And now, you were there, too!

[Direct link]

If you're not supporting Herman Cain, that's okay.

Actually, it's not. What's wrong with you?

Anyway, we were there and will post a little more later.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ask a candidate

Never one to learn from my mistakes, I'm soliciting questions for another politician. This time, it's for Herman Cain.

I'll be at the private event in Atlanta Saturday morning, and at the public event at noon Saturday.

I'm seeking questions to ask Herman Cain over at IMAO. If you want to play along, leave your questions there.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

If a dog did this...

Remember when Newt Gingrich was the darling of the right?


He was largely responsible for the GOP taking over the House of Representatives in 1994. So much so, he was Time's Person of the Year in 1995. And, he was pretty successful as Speaker. There were a couple of hiccups along the way, but all things considered, he had a good run.

Remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was the darling of the right? Heck, some were even serious about changing the Constitution to allow him to run for president. "Conan the Republican," he was called. And the "Governator."

Now, he's the butt of jokes -- the "Sperminator" -- after word of his fathering a child with a staffer.

And Sarah Palin? In 2008, to those on the right, it was almost as if the Beatles were showing up. Or Justin Bieber, to you young kids.

Some were saying they wished she was leading the ticket, not McCain. And the Sarah 2012 bumper stickers showed up before the 2008 election was done.

Now? Conservatives are crossing their fingers, hoping she won't run.

Rather than go on with a bunch more examples -- you can supply several, I'm sure -- I'll get to my point. I'm sure I had one, after all.

For each of these -- and for those you come up with -- we conservatives were like dogs when their master came home: we jumped up and down, all excited to see them. We'd bark and yelp and make noise showing how happy we were.

Then what happened?

The 1998 election and word of Gingrich's latest affair, culminating with his resignation.

The evidence that a conservative in California would be a liberal in most of the rest of America. That, and Schwarzenegger's illegitimate child.

The resignation of office, giving the left another notch on their belt, and letting people believe that all the things said were true.

The truth is, Gingrich, Schwarzenegger, and Palin haven't changed. Not much, anyway.

So, have we?

A little. We're acting more and more like the left.

If a dog was all happy to see you, then suddenly started baring its teeth, you'd put it down. Or you should.

But, we're not dogs. The politicians need to understand that.

And, the politicians aren't those rosy images we painted of them. We need to understand that.

We see something we like about someone. Something they did. Something they said. Something. And we seize on it and proclaim them the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or since the iPod.

Then, as time goes on, the person continues to act like they've always acted. And the other side seizes on that. And we pay attention.

Eventually, we seem to turn on the politician.

The attacks on Gingrich, the jokes about Schwarzenegger, the comments about Palin ... they're pretty rough.

Not saying they aren't accurate or playing off truths. But they are pretty rough.

Politics is a rough sport. You gotta be tough to play it.

Now, I'm not saying we should back off. I'm saying we need to be the parents of the schoolgirls screaming because John, Paul, George, and Ringo are on the stage. We can enjoy the music, too.

And, when John says something we don't like, we don't need to burn Beatles records.

We are the voters. We are Americans. We are America.

We need to act like it.

More comments at IMAO

Friday, May 13, 2011

Name that Tune

The following is based on a true story.

I was at Harvey's blog this past weekend and saw that Lonely Island/Michael Bolton/Jack Sparrow video. Sure, you've seen it. It's here, in case you haven't.

Anyway, that hook ... it was driving me nuts. And that's a point of embarrassment to me. Wife's cat will explain:

[Direct link]

Stupid cat.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


CBS New York reports that a new cell phone emergency service is set to launch "by the end of the year" in New York and Washington ... and in other cities by the end of 2012:
It's called the Personal Localized Alert Network or PLAN. Presidential and local emergency messages as well as Amber Alerts would appear on cell phones equipped with special chips and software.

The Federal Communications Commission and the Federal Emergency Management Agency said the system would also warn about terrorist attacks and natural disasters.
So, how would this work? I'm thinking not too well. Remember when Steve Jobs took down a network when he tried to introduce the iPhone 4? And the overall sluggishness of AT&T since the introduction of the iPhone?

But that's in the corporate world. I'm sure with the government involved, this will go off without a hitch. I do wonder, though, will you be able to read government texts while driving? Maybe those will be exempted from all those texting laws.

And, we obviously need such a thing. How else will we know what's going on in our own cities? Just because today, we can get live messages from Abbottabad that helicopters are attacking a big house doesn't mean that we can know about stuff going on locally.

It's not like every news outlet in the world has Twitter accounts. Except that every news outlet in the world has a Twitter account.

NYC's Nanny-In-Chief, Michael Bloomberg, said, "The lessons that were reinforced on 9/11 is the importance of getting clear and accurate information to the public during a crisis."

So he's responding to 9/11. And we know how well governments respond to 9/11. Tried to fly anywhere lately? Had to wait while some 3-year-old is fondled by the TSA? Government reaction at its finest.

But I can see the use of this for natural disasters. Those texts would really be helpful:
  • That really bad wind and rain you're getting? Yes, it is a hurricane. You might want to leave now.
  • That water that's inside your house? It's a flood. But don't worry. Our buses are still parked. They're safe. You should go be safe too.
  • Those tornado alerts you saw on TV and heard on the radio? Yes they're real.
AT&T and Verizon are on board with this plan, by the way. But you can opt out. For all but the messages from the president. You don't see enough of him on TV or on the radio or in the newspaper or on the Internet. You will be able to get him on your cell phone. And nationally, by the end of 2012. In time for the election.

I can imagine that the president will have only important things to say.
  • OBL DED 1MIL DKP 4 ME!!1!
Yeah, I can hardly wait.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Getting a new bumper sticker, a follow-up

A little over a year ago, I decided to get a new bumper sticker for the car.

My older bumper sticker was ... well ... in need of replacing.

Okay, it was a window sticker. And it was way out-of-date.

And sort of lame, as I mentioned at the time:
Now, yes, I know, it's pretty lame to keep a bumper (or window) sticker up after the election. And I'm lame for still having it up.

But, I want to let people know this: I did not vote for Barack Obama.

Leaving the McCain sticker on was a way of saying that. But, it's still lame to have an election sticker after the election. Particularly 540 days after the election.
Well, it's now 916 days since the election, and I finally took the McCain sticker down.

I got a lot of suggestions, both at my little blog and at IMAO.

While some of them were excellent suggestions, I waited.

Well, the wait is over. I now have my new sticker.

It's actually a bumper sticker. But, being me, I put it on the window.

And, since it's sticker supporting Herman Cain, I expect I'll be called a racist, too.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Actual picture of Osama bin Laden after his death

You've seen the fakes. But we have the real thing.

This is confirmed as a picture of Osama Bin Laden, taken just hours after his death.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Situation Room

We now join "The Situation Room," already in progress.

This thing get XBox?

Let the adults talk. We'll get to you in a minute.

Why don't I get to sit at the table? You always make me sit over here in the corner.

Shouldn't you be out playing golf?

I was. But I heard somebody say I was going to be on the big TV screen. But he pronounced my name wrong. Again. I think he did it on purpose. Make him stop.

Judas Priest! I could have been appearing on stage with Jeff Dunham. Instead I'm stuck here with you clowns.

Let's see... W-W-W-dot-white-house-dot-com... Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. I'm gonna see boobies. Heh heh heh. Hey! There's no boobies here! Your husband lied to me!

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Never mind.

Damn fly-boy.

Sir, I'm Director for Counterterrorism. We're making a raid on our most-wanted terrorist. Why am I stuck in the back?

Missy, we already got one chick sittin' at the big table. Now go get me some coffee. And be quick about it.

I want one of those cool silver computers with the lit-up apple on it. Trump gets one of those! Why can't I get one of those?

If you sit quietly and behave, we'll see about getting you one for Christmas.

Christmas? What's Christmas? Is that where we hang lanterns? I don't want to wait that long. I want a silver Apple now!

He's right. I can't find Angry Birds on this one.

Damn fly-boy.

When do we get to see the terror guy?

They'll get to him in just a little bit.

Are you sure this is live TV? It's all dark and stuff. I was just outside and I saw the sun. I don't think this is live TV. Is this TiVo or something?

It's later over there. Remember what I told you about the sun and the earth? That's why it's already dark over there. But they'll get to him in just a little bit.

Don't shoot him in the head and drop the body in a park. You'll never hear the end of it.

Well, then shoot him in the head and drop him in the ocean. Fish gotta eat, too. Speaking of which, when's the pizza getting here? I've been here all day and haven't eaten. I tell ya, war is hell.