MST3K: Episode 213 - Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

I am watching all the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes, and doing it in the order they aired. More about this can be found here and here.

Episode 213: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

First aired: The Comedy Channel on 2 February 1991
Availability: MST3KVideos.com

Joel & the Bots are late to the theater

Season Two ends with an episode has never been commercially released. As such, I have a fan copy. I never saw it when it first aired. There are no channel logos on my copy, so I'm not sure if it's from The Comedy Channel or from Comedy Central. It's a good copy, though. It's the standard one available for trade on the fan sites.

This episode is also the last first-run episode to debut on The Comedy Channel. The channel would merge with HA! on April 1, 1991, and become CTV, then changing its name to Comedy Central on June 1 of that same year.

The Invention Exchange was okay. It featured one of Joel's fake hand gags. In this one, he played the Mind Control Guitar. It was clever, but not one of my favorite gags. The Mads' Chew Toy Guitar was just plain annoying.

"The weather started getting rough." "The tiny ship was tossed."

When the movie started, Joel & the Bots are late getting to the theater. They miss the title screen. And that's the basis for an on-going joke along the line of "What's the name of this film?"

This film is the 7th in the Godzilla series. It was never released to American theaters, the first of the franchise to go directly to television.

The plot (yes, there's a plot) involves a stolen yacht, a shipwreck, an evil plot to enslave people or something, and big silly Japanese monsters. It stars Akira Takarada, who's been in six of the films in the franchise, as well as some other big silly Japanese monster movies. You might not know his name, but if you've seen any Godzilla or similar movies, there's a good chance you've seen him and would recognize him.

Hot Japanese damsel in distress

Creepy Mothra Twins

There are no hot Japanese she-villains, but there is a hot Japanese damsel in distress, which is just as good. The Mothra Twins show up, but they're just kinda creepy. And not in a good way.

Evil giant shrimp

Go go Godzilla!

The monster villain is called "Ebirah" and he's a giant crab or something. Mothra shows up later, to rescue the people who are stranded on the island before it blows up. Godzilla beats the crab-critter, kicks the bad guys' butts, has some words with Mothra, then walks off the island.

Mothra saves the humans

Mothra visits the SOL

The whole feel of the movie is odd. Turns out that this wasn't a Godzilla movie, but a King Kong movie. However, when the production company couldn't secure the rights, they inserted Godzilla as the monster hero. That explains the whole throwing rocks at the crab-critter as well as his looking admiringly at the hot Japanese damsel in distress, reminiscent of Kong and Fay Wray.

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MST3K: Episode 212 - Godzilla vs. Megalon

I've decided to watch all of the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. More about this can be found here and here.

Episode 212: Godzilla vs. Megalon

First aired: The Comedy Channel on 19 January 1991
Availability: Amazon (Volume 10), Rhino (Volume 10/out of print), MST3KVideos.com

This is another one of those hard-to-find episodes. It was originally released on DVD in 2006, but became unavailable in short order. The four-pack that contained this episode, Volume 10, was re-released later as Volume 10.2, with another episode taking the place of this one. There are fan copies of a broadcast of this episode that are available. I'm fortunate enough to have the Volume 10 4-pack, so not only is my copy better quality than the fan copies, but it's a collector's item, due to its short time on the market.

Godzilla is just plain silla

I've ripped all my MST3K episodes from DVD to iTunes (except the episodes that are available from the iTunes store). It usually works just fine. But, every now and then, a problem occurs, usually involving the sound getting out of sync. That happened on this episode. I popped the DVD into the computer, and all was well. So, I ripped it out again, wasting precious time.

Why didn't I just watch it from the DVD? Well, by ripping it to iTunes, it's always available when I want it. And, I can transfer it to my iPad. Not that I need to do that; I just want to be able to do that.

In this episode, Joel has changed clothes again. His "red jumpsuit" that turned teal and then another shade of blue has now turned maroon. Dark red, anyway.

The Invention Exchange was funny. Joel Hodgson has to be one of the top two prop comics ever. The other? Why, Carrot Top, of course. Who were you thinking? Gallagher?

Joel dresses up as Jiffy Pop

Geordi and Foosball

Anyway, Joel's is funny. They're still doing the bit where the Mads steal Joel's inventions. Which I never bought into. In Episode 201: Rocketship X-M, where Frank was introduced, they made a big deal about Frank stealing Joel's invention, and Dr. Forrester dropping his head when he realized what Frank had done. And he punished Frank. The "stealing Joel's invention" gag would have been funnier if it had been just Frank continuing to do it with him coming up with clever ways to explain why he didn't really steal it, and Dr. Forrester punishing him.

About the movie ... sigh ... it's a Godzilla movie. And you know what that means. Explosions, silly monsters, and kids. Lots of Japanese kids. Almost as many Japanese kids as you see in a Gamera movie. And hot Japanese she-villains.

"Say, these Klan meetings have really lightened up."

"And it’s the June Taylor lynchers."

But, you'd know wrong. There are no hot Japanese she-villains, just some hot Japanese she-henchmen dancers (or something), which makes this the worst Godzilla movie ever. Well, except for the other Godzilla movies. The first one was okay because it was different and new ... at the time ... and he was the villain. Godzilla makes a great villain. When big Japanese monsters turn good, they take up with little kids and there's creepy, sappy music played and it just becomes a big old mess.

"One problem, though: you caught us in the middle of our production of La Cage aux Folles."

I always thought they should have left Godzilla as a villain. When a new monster came along, they could have it tear the hell out of Tokyo, then slip up and drop a rock on Godzilla Island, upsetting the giant radioactive lizard. Godzilla could come and save the day, the people would cheer, he'd get annoyed, tear up a train and a building or two, kick some tanks around, then go back to Godzilla Island and go back to sleep.

That way, people would be happy to see him, because he'd stop Gigan or Ghidorah or whoever, but then he'd do his bit of damage, just to keep the people in their place. He'd prove himself the baddest of the bad.

"Hai Kiba!" makes an appearance. Two, actually. And so does, "The driver is either missing or dead," from The Phantom Creeps serial.

Joel leaves his seat.

The last 20 minutes or so fo the movie is taken up by wrestling play-by-play. Keep in mind, this is a Godzilla movie, and that's the part in the movie where all the monsters start fighting each other.

I remember watching professional wrestling as a child, and as an adult when my son got into watching it. Growing up, I was familiar with Gordon Solie's style of announcing. Not quite like the WCW or WWF that was on the air when this episode was first broadcast. Still, they could have called pro wrestling, based on the job they did.

Which doesn't say much about pro wrestling announcers. Except Gordon Solie. He was awesome.

"Awesome" isn't what I would call this episode. "Good" works. If I didn't avoid Godzilla movies like the plague, I might like this one more.

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MST3K: Episode 211 - First Spaceship on Venus

My goal is to watch all of the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. More about this project can be found here and here.

Episode 211: First Spaceship on Venus

First aired: The Comedy Channel on 29 December 1990
Availability: iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, Amazon DVD (20th Anniversary/Volume 13), Shout Factory (20th Anniversary/Volume 13), Best Brains (20th Anniversary/Volume 13)

This is one of those episodes I bought but, for some reason, never watched. I own both the DVD pack and the iTunes download, but I never got around to watching them. Not all the way. I started watching it on iTunes, but was interrupted and never finished.

First spaceship on Venus

Then, I found out about Netflix offering MST3K episodes, and put my focus there, getting DVDs in, watching them, and sending them back. That was before I decided to watch all the episodes, and obtain fan copies of unreleased shows.

I put this episode on the back burner, and never got back to it. Now, because of my quest to watch all the MST3K episodes in order, I'm back to this one.

The film is an English version of the East German/Polish film Der schweigende Stern / Milcząca Gwiazda. The movie isn't all that bad. Sure, some of the science is wrong, but not as much as most of the other movies featured on MST3K. The plot isn't hard to follow, and some of the special effects are not bad, especially if you consider the movie is from 1961.

Hot Japanese she-doctor

There's no hot Japanese she-villain, though there is a hot Japanese she-doctor, and that's close enough.

The plot? Scientists discover that the Tunguska Event wasn't caused by a comet or asteroid, but a Venusian spaceship that went all kaboom. So, they send a ship to Venus to see what they wanted. They find out that the Venusians wanted ... *SPOILER* ... everybody on Earth to die! Only the Venusians messed up and killed themselves instead.

Half the crew of the expedition to Venus end up dying or being stranded (and, apparently, dying) on the planet. But the hot Japanese she-doctor lives, so the movie had a happy ending.

Tom Servo made a not-so-friendly (though not extremely unfriendly) reference to the HA! channel, which was the main competition of the Comedy Channel prior to the merger of those channels a year later. That merger produced Comedy Central.

There were a couple of references that I thought were dated, but then I thought better of it. Just because it was a current reference at the time doesn't mean it becomes a dated reference later. To me, it then becomes an obscure reference.

Tom Servo's head explodes

For example, they made reference to Dan Quayle, who was vice-president at the time. Such a joke probably wouldn't be made today. However, Crow also made reference to "weird figures, strange figures" from the Marx Brothers' Animal Crackers, which was itself a reference to Eugene O'Neill's Strange Interlude.

I'm not sure why the Dan Quayle reference would be considered dated, but the Marx Brothers reference would be considered obscure. After all, I suspect more people who watch MST3K remember Dan Quayle than have seen Animal Crackers. But I could be wrong.

At the end of the movie, Joel & the Bots talked about the movie. Crow actually liked it. Joel, not so much. Servo? It made his head explode.

As I said, not a bad film. Okay, not a horrible film. Good episode. Weird bits at times -- not just the film, but the MST3K crew.

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MST3K: Episode 210 - King Dinosaur

I've decided to watch all of the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. More about that can be found here and here.

Episode 210: King Dinosaur

First aired: The Comedy Channel on 22 December 1990
Availability: Amazon DVD (Volume 23), Shout Factory (Volume 23)

Pocket Scientist

Though you can purchase this episode from the Shout Factory Store, you won't actually get it until March, when it's officially released. My copy is from a "Circulating The Tapes" source. The sources that I deal with actually pull episodes from their circulation library when they are commercially released. This episode falls into that category, and, until the official release date, is in limbo.

Oh, and yes, I have already ordered Volume 23. Whatever episodes I have from whatever source, I do purchase the episodes when they are released. I've had a "Circulating The Tapes" version of this episode for a while, but, I still bought the official release and am awaiting it's delivery. I'm looking forward to retiring this copy and replacing it with a real one, a good one.

He died and went to New Jersey

I can't tell which airing my copy is from. There are no Comedy Channel/Comedy Central bugs in the corner, and there is no closing announcer. It has some VHS recording artifacts and issues. After the first commercial break, for instance, the hiccups that happen when you pause the recording then press record again are there.

Frank causes a boo-boo and Dr. Forester gets crushed, ruining the Invention Exchange. Joel's was lame. Let's just leave it at that.

We get a short that's not part of a movie serial. That's the first time this is done. It won't be the last. This short is a New Jersey DMV film, "X Marks the Spot," and it tells the story of a dead driver and his judgment in the afterlife.

The main feature is a Robert L. Lippert film. It's the fourth Lippert movie shown during Season Two. It's also a Bert I. Gordon film, the first one of his Joel & the Bots do. It won't be the last. We'll see a lot of his stuff before we're done with this project.

Joey the Lemur, not a lemur

The "Joey the Lemur" sketch came out of nowhere. It's like they wrote the Host Segments out of order, because the lemur (or more like a kinkajou) doesn't show up until later. When J&tB went back into the theater after the Host Segment, Joel still had Joey with him. He mentioned that the movie guide mentioned a lemur would show up.

I understand they wrote the riffs for the film first, then the Host Segments, then built the props needed, then filmed the Host Segments one day, and filmed the movie and riffs on the final day. It's like they planned the "Joey" sketch, but when they began filming the actual movie segments, discovered the lemur hadn't shown up, so they added the line about the movie guide.

Or, maybe it all went as planned and I'm just over-thinking it. After all, it's just a show, I should really just relax.

Um, the movie. There was a movie. I seem to remember there being a movie.

A T-Rex, by Bert I. Gordon

Oh, I remember now. There was bad science. Or maybe it wasn't science. After it's so wrong and so silly, I don't think it's called science any more. Not science fiction, not anything with "science" in it. It's just plain silly at that point.

This movie is just plain silly. Scientists -- though I'm not sure how there can be scientists if there's no science -- discover a new planet and build a rocket to go visit it. They send two couples who don't want to be there after they get there. They discover dinosaurs that look like lizards and armadillos, so they blow them up with an atom bomb. The end.

I had seen this episode once before I started the project. I think I fell asleep watching it back then. I nearly did this time, too. Okay, I did. But, I watched it again until I watched it without falling asleep. I think I liked the sleep better.

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MST3K: Episode 209 - The Hellcats

I'm watching all of the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 from the beginning. More about that can be found here and here.

Episode 209: The Hellcats

First aired: The Comedy Channel on 8 December 1990
Availability: Amazon DVD, Rhino (out of print), MST3KVideos.com

Joel's Sign Language Translator

This episode is hard to find. It came out on VHS back in early 2001, and on DVD in mid-2002. But, it's currently out of print. I'm fortunate enough to own the DVD. If you can call owning a copy of The Hellcats "lucky."

The episode opens with everyone suffering from a cold: Joel, Servo, Crow, and even Magic Voice. Joel does the invention he's been holding for a couple of episodes. It's a sign language translator.

Opens with a funeral of a biker. Joel & the Bots make jokes about the way the bikers are dressed, including making references to Yasser Arafat and Sonny Bono-style clothing, but missed a Carrot Top reference.

Funeral for a friend

In the KTMA season, Servo typed a letter to a relative using his feet. That was the basis for showing flashbacks. In this episode, he types a diary entry, but doesn't tell how he manages to type. Servo's flashbacks are from Episode 106: The Crawling Hand, and the Shatner dialogue skit.

Crow writes a diary entry, and has a flashback to Episode 201: Rocketship X-M, where Joel asks if it's funny or not funny when certain items float.

Joel's letter kicks off a flashback to Episode 203: Jungle Goddess. It's the skit where he explains the binoculars effect used in movies, and offers other effects.

"Oh, I hate to shoot a butt like that!"
"I'll do it!"

The riffing was fun. The movie actually had a plot of sorts, though it's not the kind of movie I'd care to watch. Not unless J&tB are there to make it more interesting.

The plot involved the death of an undercover detective who had infiltrated a biker gang that was running drugs for an organized crime boss that looks like Jonathan Winters.

The dead cop's girlfriend and brother decide to infiltrate the biker gang to get revenge. What could possible go wrong?

It's a good episode, insofar as the riffing goes. The skits, though, were pretty much flashbacks, which didn't do a lot for me. Sure, they were funny, but they were reruns. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide said that they did a flashbacks show because a staff meeting out of town caused a short work week. But, according to Mike Nelson, it took just as long to write and shoot the intros as it normally took to write and shoot regular sketches.

Things don't always go as planned, do they?

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MST3K: Episode 208 - Lost Continent

I'm going through all of the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 from start to finish. More about that can be found here and here.

Episode 208: Lost Continent

First aired: The Comedy Channel on 24 November 1990
Availability: iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, Amazon DVD (Volume 18), Shout Factory (Volume 18), Best Brains (Volume 18)

An exercise in futility

This movie features rock climbing. And more rock climbing. Oh, and rock climbing.

Joel is wearing a different color (light blue-green) jumpsuit. I haven't seen that color outfit before. Just how many does he have? When the Mads sent him into space, did they pack a bunch of jumpsuits for him? Or did Mr. & Mrs. Howell teach him how to pack?

I loved the Mads' invention during the Invention Exchange. I've actually seen something like that. I don't know if it was exactly that, but I saw somebody going down the sidewalk in Columbus one day with something that looked a lot like that. Maybe they were inspired by this episode of MST3K. Or, maybe they were as serious as the Mads.

"You taste like Bud Abbott"

Though rock climbing was featured, the movie also recycles several snippets from another Robert Lippert film, Rocketship X-M, which was riffed earlier in the season. And, Joel & the Bots recycled some of the same riffs, but did them in the tired, I've done this before kind of voices.

Early on, they either flubbed a riff, or made it a little naughty. Early in the movie, Hillary Brooke's character kissed Cesar Romero's character. Crow said, "You taste like Bud Abbott."

Although Brooke also appeared with Abbott and Costello in Africa Screams, I don't remember Brooke and Abbott sharing a kiss.

Brooke played Lou Costello's love interest on The Abbott and Costello Show. So, Crow either got the characters mixed up, or implied she was running around on Costello with Abbott.

The MST3K crew really doesn't like Sid Melton. In The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide, they explicitly said they didn't like him. They kept referring to him as the guy (Charlie Halper) from The Danny Thomas Show, which is correct. I remember him better as Alf Monroe from Green Acres.

Sid Melton: target of abuse

Mike Nelson as Hugh Beaumont

Sid Melton died last year. He was one of the last three living regulars of Green Acres, along with Mary Jane Canfield (Ralph Monroe) and Frank Cady (Sam Drucker).

They liked Hugh Beaumont. Everybody liked Hugh Beaumont. He's in the punchline of the only dirty Leave It To Beaver joke I know.

The man in the foreground fades away when the man in the background disappears into the fog

The movie contains a scene where they assist Melton with rock climbing by grabbing him by the seat of his pants. In the background, Hugh Beaumont nearly loses it laughing at that.

The rock climbing scenes took over 15 minutes. I timed it. There was a Host Segment about 9½ minutes into it, so, as long as it seemed to us, just think what the actual movie-goers had to endure.

One scene in the movie featured a rock climber falling to his death. The scene of him falling was shot from above. He had slipped, and another character was trying to hold on to him. When the poor guy fell, he disappeared into the fog, at the same time the other character disappeared into the rock.

The "into the fog" effect was accomplished by fading one scene with the falling person into the other scene of the fog without the person. Only, they forgot about the other guy on the cliff. So, when they faded from one to another, the other guy just faded out.

It's attention to detail like this that made Robert Lippert films fodder for Joel & the Bots.

As bad as the movie is, it has a little bit of charm. The Joke, Beaver's Dad, and Alf Monroe all in one movie can't be all bad. Okay, it can be all bad. But in a good way.

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Game over, man

It's over.

Mitt Romney has wrapped it up. He won Florida yesterday, and that means there's no chance for anyone else in the GOP race.

Newt Gingrich supporters? Hate to break it to you, but it's time to pack it in.

Rick Santorum followers? The writing's on the wall.

Ron Paul supporters? The nurse will be by shortly with your medications. And a fresh supply of tin foil.

The 2012 Republican primary season is done. There's no way anyone can catch Mitt Romney. Just look:

Graph from The New York Times

See?

After the big win in Florida, Mitt Romney has 71 delegates. He only needs ... let's see, 1,144 to win, minus 71 already won, leaves 1,073 ... Oh. My. Goodness. He only needs 1,073 delegates to win.

Let's look at the upcoming primary calendar, do the math, and see where things stand.

If Romney wins every delegate in every race, he would surpass the magic number of 1,144 as early as April 3.

What about Gingrich? If he were to somehow win every delegate in every state from here on out, he wouldn't reach 1,144 until April 3, 2012.

Rick Santorum? Heck, if he won every delegate in every upcoming race, he wouldn't hit 1,144 until April 3.

Ron Paul? Well, if he went on a winning streak and won every delegate in every primary and caucus, he wouldn't pass 1,144 until April 3.

So, there you have it.

Romney can mathematically wrap this thing up in just over two months, on April 3, 2012. That's a done deal.

Meanwhile, none of the the other three could lock it up until April 3, 2012. And that's an impossible task.

Hey, don't get angry with me. Numbers don't lie.

Newscasters and party establishment will, but numbers won't.