When cheetahs attack

Image: CBS/Letterman

On a recent appearance on David Letterman's show, Adam Sandler told about being attacked by a cheetah. It was during a visit to some rescued animals that the actor, under supervision, attempted to give a big cat some water, and the cheetah wanted more, according to Sky News.

As the actor bends down next to a small pond, the adult cheetah goes behind him and leaps on to his back.

Sandler attempts to stand up while the keeper rushes to get the cat off. The animal finally moves away but not before appearing to get its claws into Sandler's back and arm.

That story gave me chills. I mean, wild animals attempting to take out Adam Sandler when there are so many more deserving targets like Jay-Z, Alec Baldwin, and Justin Bieber running around?

Truthfully, I would not like to see Adam Sandler attacked by a cheetah. And you wouldn't either, if you were honest with yourself.

But, like me, there are plenty of others that could use a good cheetah mauling. Like the three I mentioned.

What about you? No, not you being attacked by a cheetah. Who would you like to see attacked by a cheetah? That's not a horrible thing to wish on someone, is it?

Robot Snakes

They've gone and invented Robot Snakes. That's not the 21st century I was looking forward to.

You see, when I was a child, I remember the robot from Lost In Space. That was a cool robot. There were other robots on TV and in movies. Robby the Robot from Forbidden Planet, who also played a robotoid (whatever that was) on Lost In Space, was popular with many people.

In books, the robots of Isaac Asimov were pretty cool. And, maybe the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz was a robot. There was the chick-bot in Metropolis with the metal boobs. The gorilla in the diving helmet from Robot Monster. And, that reminds me of Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I could go on and on, but the point is, we all saw a lot of robots over the years. Every kind of robot imaginable, right?

Wrong.

In January, I told you about the vomiting robots. Last month, we found about about the robot monkeys. Well, somebody has topped that. A bunch of folks from Carnegie Mellon University -- do we know anybody from there? -- have built robot snakes.

Yes, that's right. Robot snakes. Frikkin' robot snakes.

Really. It's not a plot to a movie on SyFy. It's a real thing and not some Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, LL Cool J, Eric Roberts movie.

So, maybe you're thinking, hey, that's cool. They'll be able to snake their way (get it?) through some really difficult to reach places and, I don't know, do robot stuff.

Sure. And guess where they're deploying them? Nuclear plants.

That's right. We're soon going to be overrun with giant mutant radioactive robot snakes.

I think I'd rather deal with Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. Of course, that's probably true about most things.

Restructuring Microsoft

According to reports, Microsoft will unveil its new restructuring on Thursday.

The one-time tech leader is looking to change its form into something better suited to today's environment. But just what will those changes entail?

I'm thinking they'll split into two major division: Stuff That Works and Stuff That's Crap.

The Stuff That Works will continue to support the Xbox 360, the Microsoft Mouse, Microsoft Surface Pro, and Microsoft Security Essentials.

The Stuff That's Crap division will encompass Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Surface RT, Xbox One, and just about everything else.

Products and services like Microsoft office, which are currently slated for the Stuff That's Crap division could wind up in Stuff That Works, but that's still uncertain.

Now, will Microsoft really do this? Well, they already have. At least, that's how I've thought of there stuff for years. On Thursday, they have the chance to make it official.

Will they? Probably not.

Will the restructuring work? Are you kidding? The people that brought you Clippy, Microsoft Bob, the Zune, and the Ken? What could possibly go wrong?

Rocket Man

For no reason whatsoever, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. William Shatner:

[Source: YouTube]

Trusted Friend

[Marimba ringtone plays]


Hello?


Hey. It's me.


Who is this?


Me. Or you. From your past.


Um, what do you want?


Yeah, I wanted to call you and tell you it's a bad idea.

Independence Day 2013

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

• He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
• He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
• He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
• He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
• He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
• He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
• He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
• He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
• He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
• He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
• He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
• He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
• He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
  
  • For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
  • For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
  • For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
  • For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
  • For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
  • For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
  • For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
  • For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
  • For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
• He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
• He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
• He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
• He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
• He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The check's in the mail ... and other lies

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.

Have you written your check to FLOTUS yet? She wants your money, you know.

At a fundraiser for Democrat Senate candidate Ed Markey, she told the crowd, "Keep writing those checks. And if you haven’t maxed out, max out!"

And she's right. Don't be selfish with the money the government lets you keep. What were you going to do with it? Buy food? Braces for the kid? Birthday presents? That's just selfish.

You need to be sending your money to the Democrats. And you need to blame the Republicans for not allowing the government to keep more of your paycheck. Sure, the GOP has gone along with some of the tax and spend policies of the Democrats, but nowhere near enough. I mean, you still have money left, right?

Well, you shouldn't. So, do the right thing. Send the money to the Democrats. Max out.

After all, it'll only hurt for a little while (NSFW link).