A calendar ain't nothing but a number

The president is celebrating Hanukkah.

Not "planning to observe Hanukkah beginning December 20th" but IS. As in now.

None of this silly waiting until the Festival of Lights actually begins, but now. Because, it's not like days ... or the number of days or anything ... really matter, right?

And, so as to not drag it all out, the president went ahead and lit all eight candles. Because, well, you know, why not. It's not like you need to light one a day or anything, right? It doesn't, like, have any special meaning, right?

While the Festival of Lights doesn't actually begin until December 20th this year, it does begin December 8th next year. So, maybe he's so far ahead on his schedule to destroy everything that he thought the 2012 apocalypse was already upon us, and used the 2012 date to celebrate Hanukkah.

Or, maybe he thinks so far outside the box -- like that book says -- that he doesn't let the calendar dictate when he does things.

Like observing Hanukkah 12 days early. And all at once, not over eight days.

And, looking at the calendar, we need to do Christmas at some more convenient time. This year, it's on a Sunday. And, everybody knows that Sunday is for sleeping until noon, getting up, ordering a pizza and watching football. Christmas would just interfere with that. The kids will be getting up early, and messing up all that "sleep until noon" thing, which is totally unacceptable.

And, besides, some people go to church on Sunday, and we certainly don't want religion to interfere with Christmas, do we? So, we can do Christmas on the 16th. It's a Friday, the mid-month government checks will have arrived the day before so we can stop by the Dollar General and pick up some gifts. It's perfect.

And New Year's? It's a Sunday, too! How did that happen? Both Christmas and New Years on a Sunday? Actually, that's not bad. Getting all drunk and such the night before means sleeping in on New Year's Day, so, yeah, that actually works. It needs to be a Sunday every year.

St. Patrick's Day is a Thursday in 2012. That won't fly. Need to move it to a weekend. The celebration in New York is big, of course, but New York can handle a million people partying with no problem. But, if you decide you want to party but not go to New York, the 2nd largest celebration, in Savannah, nearly triples that city's population for the day. So, yeah, a weekend would help with that. I'm thinking March 12th would be good.

Easter and Mother's Day are too close together in 2012, so let's do Easter on April 1st. That way, when the kids go out to hunt for Easter Eggs, and they don't find any because we didn't hide any, we can yell "April Fools!"

July 4th? No, let's move Independence Day to May 31st. We're already doing stuff on Memorial Day, which is May 30th. So, celebrating Independence Day on the 31st makes it a two-day party.

Let's do Labor Day up right. Find out when the NFL season starts and we can do Labor Day that Monday.

Anyway, you get the idea? Like Obama, we don't need to be bound by a silly calendar. We're beyond that.

MST3K: Episode K05 - Gamera

I've decided to watch all the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. Some people watch Sparkly Vampire movies. I watch bad movies while spacemen and robots riff it.

Background on this little adventure can be found here and here.

Episode K05: Gamera

First aired: KTMA on 11 December 1988
Availability: MST3KVideos.com

I mentioned previously that the KTMA season (Season Zero) has never been commercially released. The only copies available are because the whole "keep circulating the tapes" thing. The episodes that can be found were recorded on VCRs from over-the-air broadcasts in 1988 & 1989. So, the quality isn't great. And, for some episodes, isn't even good.

No Mad Scientists were harmed in the making of this episode. Because they weren't present.

Once again, the Mad Scientists don't appear. The premise of the show has already developed to include them, since they are seen and sung about in the show opening:

In the not-too-distant future
Next Sunday, A.D.
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay,
Just polishing switches to pay his way.
He did his job well with a cheerful face,
But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space.

"We'll send him cheesy movies..."
"...The worst ever made."
Joel says, "When you got lemons,
You make lemonade."
Now keep in mind he can't control
When the movies begin or end,
Because he used the extra parts
To make his robot friends.

Robot roll call:
Cambot
Servo
Gypsy
Crow

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000."

Crow the Christmas Tree

Crow appears in this show, but doesn't really participate. He agreed to be frozen to be a Christmas tree. According to different places on the Internet, Trace Beaulieu, who plays Crow and Dr. Forrester, was unavailable for the show, so they decided to do the Christmas tree gag. When they showed the flashback of Crow being frozen, the voice didn't sound like Crow from the previous episode, so I'm guessing (I don't know this, just guessing) that someone else did the voice for that skit.

Joel is alone in the theater. A frozen Crow explains that robot's absence, but I didn't understand why Servo wasn't there. Server was in some skits, however. Maybe they filmed the skits on a different day than the riffing, and J. Elvis (nee Josh) Weinstein wasn't available for the riffing, but I don't know what the reason was.

Gypsy became a female sometime after the Demo/Pilot was filmed.

Gypsy makes an appearance. She doesn't have the high-pitched voice we're familiar with. Her voice sounds like someone talking while breathing in.

Joel's solo riffing wasn't bad, but there was no playing off each other since, well, there was no other person there. A couple of times, he laughed out loud ... perhaps at some of the bad dialog in the movie. Or maybe some of the staff was trying to break him up. Whatever the cause, it was different seeing him laugh out lout at the movie.

Again, the format is still new and being tweaked, so it's not quite like the MST3K I remember. Of course, having seen more Mike than Joel episodes, I'm not sure if it's the personality of the experiment subject, or just the early development of the format.

Creative transcription of a call.

Funniest part of the show was one of the callers who talked about loving the turtle movies, mentioning that "giant mutant turtles aren't really all that bad... They breathe fire and shit ... and they're really good at weenie roasts..."

About the movie: during the into, Joel kept calling Gamera "Gameron." I don't know if that was a mistake or if he did it on purpose. Oh, and I laughed out loud at the accent of "The Commander" during the shoot-down scenes at the beginning of the film.

The rest of the film was, to me, a Japanese Silly Monster movie. And, a poor quality one; the images were hard to see. I don't know how much of that was caused by a poor quality print and how much was caused by the VCR recording. There were also some distortions that were common in VHS recordings. I so do not miss VCRs.

I still shake my head every time I see Gamera shooting flames out his leg holes and spinning around and flying. They must have good drugs in Japan.

The episode was hard to watch, because the movie was hard to watch. The solo effort was valiant, but riffing isn't a one-man job. Perhaps it was the lateness of the hour, but I actually fell asleep during the last 20 minutes of the movie. Five times. Really. Each time, I woke up after the episode ended and had to fast-forward to the last part I remember and pick it up. Except the last time. I fell asleep and stayed asleep. Just woke up, forwarded to where the falling asleep first started, and watched the ending. Stayed awake for it, but almost wish I hadn't.

During the Comedy Central years, the crew also riffed this movie and I remember that. It must have been funnier because I seem to remember enjoying it. Checking the list of episodes, it looks like they re-did five Gamera movies, plus another three movies that were done during the KTMA/Season Zero year. Some of the later version I remember, some I don't.

The closing credit showed Josh Weinstein, Trace Beaulieu, and Kevin Murphy as "Puppet Operation and Voices." All my references show that Kevin took over as Servo when Josh left the series a couple of years later, so I'm not sure what puppet or voice he did in this episode. It could have been, like Trace for this episode, a standard credit. I hadn't noticed that Kevin also received puppet and voice credit in the previous episode, but, after rechecking, I see that he had. This is in addition to his other credits, such as camera, lighting, writing, etc.

Next up, another Gamera movie. Maybe I'll stay awake for that one.

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MST3K: Episode K04 - Gamera vs Barugon

I mentioned earlier that I would be attempting to watch all the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I'll be getting to the episodes everyone knows about -- the Comedy Channel, Comedy Central, and Sci-Fi Channel episodes -- soon enough. But, before they hit the big time, they were a hit local show on KTMA (now WUCW) before they moved national. And hard-core fans of MST3K consider those the first season, or Season Zero.

The first three of the 21 KTMA episodes are not available. However, there are copies of the other 18 KTMA episodes that are floating around. I obtained copies of those from this Website.

The quality of the recordings isn't great, because the "circulating tapes" were recorded on VCRs from over-the-air broadcasts in 1988 & 1989. Then, they were dubbed out for others, and eventually copied to DVD. While the quality isn't great, for many episodes, it's good.

With that background information, let's dive in to the first official episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 ... that's available.

Episode K04: Gamera vs Barugon

First aired: KTMA on 4 December 1988
Availability: MST3KVideos.com

While this if the fourth episode of MST3K, this is the first one that's available. The movie the crew is riffing was redone during Season Three. It's a Gamera film. I'm not a huge fan of the Japanese Silly Monster movies, so I hated the film. But, that allowed me to root for the crew trashing it.

From the opening, the Mad Scientists. They don't appear in Episode K04.

In this episode, the Mad Scientists don't appear, other than in the opening theme. In the opening, the Mads aren't made up quite as much. Clayton Forrester doesn't have the familiar wig, mustache, glasses, or green suit. Erhardt isn't quite fleshed out, either.

Since the Mads don't appear, there's no opening interaction and no invention exchange. Joel goes by his real name, Joel Hodgson, and after some quick welcome comments, goes straight to the movie. The Bots joined Joel inside.

Servo was beginning to take shape.

Crow's voice is recognizable, though stilted, sort of like the Lost In Space robot. Servo (not Tom Servo, just Servo) has a different voice than I'm used to, and it reminds me of Marvin the Martian's voice.

The recording I have has several "problem with the VCR" kind of spots. 20 years ago, I wouldn't have noticed them.

While J&tB do some of the riffing we're used to, there's also some just plain commenting. For example, Joel responded to a comment a movie character made by saying, "That makes no sense," and then there was a brief discussion about that. I would have expected Joel to make his point by making a series is nonsensical statements. So, in this, the 4th episode, they're still developing the format.

There are times where long gaps between riffs occur.

Cambot looked very different in Season Zero.

Joel & the Bots don't always wait until a break to leave the theater. The movie continues to play after they left. It's like the premise of the TV show is actually showing a movie, and J&tB are watching it along with us. During Comedy Channel/Comedy Central/Sci-Fi years, the main thing is us watching J&tB watching the movie. So, they're still developing the format.

Gypsy appears, and is referred to as a female, unlike in the demo/pilot.

Around half-way through the episode, J&tB did more standard riffing and less discussion of the flaws of the movie.

Crow looked the most like the Crow we all know.

My favorite line from the episode: "Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate."

About the film: In the first Gamera movie, Gamera was a villain. When Gamera finally appears (excluding flashbacks) about half-way through the film, he's still a villain. In short order, the Turtle Monster starts to fight with the lizard villain Barugon. The lizard wins, and Gamera disappears until the end of the movie, when the mosters fight again. After Gamera beats Barugon, the turtle flies away. In other words, a Japanese monster movie.

Gamera will appear in the next four episodes, by the way. You have been warned.

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College football playoffs

The regular season is done. Conference champions have been crowned. Bowl match-ups have been determined. And a lot of people are unhappy with the LSU-Alabama rematch for the "National Championship."

Can this be fixed? Yes.

How?

The solution is simple: have a playoff. Division 1-AA (FCS), Division II, and Division III all have playoffs, so it's possible to participate in playoffs and still be a student-athlete.

Here is the plan that would work ... if they'd just do it. Whatever team comes out of this would be, without a doubt, the national champion.

First, some basic assumptions:

• If you win your conference, you deserve a spot in the playoffs.
• All conferences are treated equally.
• If you don't win your conference, but you're still a really good, highly-ranked team, you deserve a chance for a spot in the playoffs.
• The bowls shouldn't lose out on having playoff teams appearing.

With that in mind, here's the plan.

• The field will be 16 teams, seeded 1-16.
• The 11 conference champions get the top 11 seeds, based on their standing in the Coaches Poll.
• The remaining 5 spots (seeds 12-16) will be filled with the top 5 teams in the BCS that don't win their conference. These are the "at-large" or "wild-card" teams.
• Independent teams will qualify if they are highly ranked. Independent teams are seeded where they would be as if they were a conference champion.
• In each round, the top seed plays the bottom seed, the second seed plays the next-to-last seed, and so on.
• The higher-seeded team in each matchup is the home team.
• The home team hosts games in the first round.
• Teams eliminated in the first round are eligible to appear in a bowl game.

With those guidelines, here is this year's playoff bracket. Listed are the teams, the conference they represent, and their ranking in the Coaches Poll.

1. Louisiana State (Southeastern) (#1)
2. Oklahoma State (Big 12) (#3)
3. Oregon (Pacific 12) (#5)
4. Wisconsin (Big Ten) (#8)
5. Clemson (Atlantic Coast) (#14)
6. Texas Christian (Mountain West) (#15)
7. Southern Mississippi (Conference USA) (#21)
8. West Virginia (Big East) (#22)
9. Northern Illinois (Mid-American) (#27)
10. Arkansas State (Sun Belt) (#30)
11. Louisiana Tech (Western Athletic) (#33)
12. Alabama (At-large) (#2)
13. Stanford (At-large) (#4)
14. Boise State (At-large) (#6)
15. Arkansas (At-large) (#7)
16. South Carolina (At-large) (#9)

Here would be the first-round match-ups:

• South Carolina at Louisiana State
• Arkansas at Oklahoma State
• Boise State at Oregon
• Stanford at Wisconsin
• Alabama at Clemson
• Louisiana Tech at Texas Christian
• Arkansas State at Southern Mississippi
• Northern Illinois at West Virginia

The winners advance to the second round, while the losers are eligible for selection to a bowl.

The quarter-finals are played Christmas week, and will be hosted by existing bowls. The semi-finals are played around New Year's day, and will be hosted by existing bowls. The championship will be the following week (as the current BCS championship is).

MST3K: Episodes 0, K01, K02, & K03

I mentioned earlier that I would be attempting to watch all the episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The quest now begins.

I'm covering 4 episodes now. Sort of. Actually, there are three episodes in these four, and the one I've actually seen isn't an episode.

Let me explain.

L-R: Crow, Joel, & Beeper

Episode 0: The Green Slime

A demo episode (sort of a pilot, but not actually a full episode) was made in 1988. It's about 15 minutes long, and includes six "host segments" and five brief visits to the theater. Plus, the characters are a little different.

• Joel has long hair.
• Joel uses his real name, Joel Hodgson, instead of Joel Robinson.
• Crow is familiar, but not exactly the same. The eyes don't move.
• Tom Servo's earlier form, Beeper, is there. Beeper is silver and has a fish tank instead of the clear globe for the head. You can tell that it will evolve into Servo, though.
• Gypsy is male, and a gold in color. He looks sort of like the familiar Gypsy's skeleton.

Joel & Crow watch the film

The concept of the show is a little different, too.

• In the demo/pilot, Joel is not from Earth, and built the ship. The storyline of mad scientists shooting him into space for an experiment came later.
• Riffing the movie doesn't happen. It's Joel, orbiting the earth, watching movies with robots.

The copy I have has an interesting story. In 2008, Joel and several other actors from the show appeared at a convention, and showed the demo/pilot to the crowd. Someone in the crowd filmed it. Someone took that and put it on DVD. A copy of that DVD made its way to me. So, I have a DVD copy of a DVD copy of a hand-held camera filming a showing of a 20-year-old tape shown to a crowd. So, no, not the best quality. Versions are available on YouTube, if you want to check it out.

L-R: Crow, Joel, & Gypsy

Very rough, very raw video, but interesting for fans of the show, who want to see how it all began.

Episode K01: Invaders from the Deep

First aired: KTMA on 24 November 1988
Availability: Not available; no copies exist

This was the first official episode. No copies are known to exist, although excerpts have been posted on the official MST3K Website.

The "movie" was actually 4 episodes of the old puppet show Stingray show cobbled together and released as a film.

Episode K02: Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars

First aired: KTMA on 24 November 1988
Availability: Not available; no copies exist

This was aired along with Episode K01 as part of a Thanksgiving debut double-feature. No copies of this episode are known to exist.

Another "movie" made up of segments from a TV puppet show, this time using Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons.

Episode K03: Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

First aired: KTMA on 27 November 1988
Availability: Not available; no copies exist

Another "movie" made up of TV show parts. This time, a Japanese show called Star Wolf. It had people, not puppets, as stars.

Next Up

We covered the demo/pilot and three "lost" episodes. No copies are known to exist of the first three KTMA episodes, so I haven't seen them, and probably never will. If you have copies of any of these, let me know.

I do have Episode K4: Gamera vs Barugon, and we'll cover that next time. By the way, Gamera vs Barugon was also shown during Season 3. The version we'll be covering next week is the KTMA version. It's available here.

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Next episode >>

Keeping Obama entertained

The president is going on vacation.

Liberals must be glad to hear that. Destroying a country is hard work, and he needs to recharge.

I'm glad to hear it, because that means he won't be actively destroying the country.

It's nice when conservatives and liberals can come together to support the president when he does something.

But I'm thinking that 17 days isn't enough time to let the country recover. Obama needs to go somewhere else when this upcoming vacation ends.

I'm thinking he could take a tour of all the golf courses in the country and leave regular folks alone.

Or, he could start a traveling basketball tour, like the Harlem Globetrotters.

Or, he could travel the country giving speaking tours. There are still people who want to hear him talk. But, to make it entertaining, don't let him take his TelePrompTer. I might want to watch that. Or clips of it.

The point is, there are things Obama can do other than play president, since he does that so badly.

What ideas have you for what Obama can do for the next 413 days?

Who's gonna lose, week 14

The 2011 college football season is winding down, and it's conference championship week, with seven of the six conference with championship games holding those games. That math may seem a little skewed, but that's how this season has gone.

Two of the conferences have already held their championship games, with Northern Illinois winning the Mid-America championship game and a berth in the GoDaddy.com bowl, and Oregon winning the Pac-12 and a spot in the Rose Bowl.

If you're not a football fan, don't worry. We'll find something shiny for you to play with.