Thursday, August 25, 2011


The world ended last night.

That's right. Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple.

It's not like Barack Obama resigned or anything. If that happened, Joe Biden would take over. That is, one incompetent would be replaced by another incompetent. So barely a blip would occur if Obama was gone.

But Steve Jobs? You know what this means, don't you? Your iPods will all quit working now. Go try yours. I'll wait.

See? A little sluggish, wasn't it. And, when you put the songs on shuffle, that one song you really don't like played, didn't it? Know why? Because Steve Jobs quit.

And, if you bought in to the hype and switched from Windows to a Mac, you're doomed. DOOMED!!

The next version of OS X won't be like the the last few. Cheetah, Puma, Jaguar, Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Snow Leopard, and Lion? No more. The next one will be OS X LOLCAT. And, after that, OS X Snagglepuss.

That Apple TV you bought? Instead of streaming TV shows and movies from several studios, you'll only get Current TV. Steve Jobs was the only thing standing between you and Apple board member Al Gore. Now, you're screwed.

Your iPhone? It won't make calls. It'll be like you're on AT&T or something.

And your iPad? Angry Birds doesn't work any more.

Steve Jobs is no longer running Apple. He's been replaced by a guy who went to Auburn. Auburn!

In no time, Apple will be only the second-most valuable company in the world.

Yes, your life has ended. I'm sure George Bush is to blame. Or global warming.

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