Earthquake!

There was a bunch of fear yesterday when the earthquake hit northern Virginia near Washington, D.C.

In fact, when Wall Street heard about the earthquake, the Dow rose over 300 points. Which says a lot about the economy. When there's a chance that something will stop Obama and the Democrats, the market goes up.

There were reports that the Washington Monument was tilting, but that was not true. Washington politicians, though, were found to be crooked, but it's too early to tell if the earthquake is to blame.

But the earthquake did do some isolated but terrible damage: it interrupted Obama on the golf course and made him miss a putt. Really.

So, despite early fears, the earthquake did little overall damage. Unlike Barack Obama and a Democrat-controlled Congress. Their damage is still being assessed.

Anyway, you don't normally hear about earthquakes in that region as happened yesterday. Most earthquakes are in Japan, California, or other places foreign to America. Why on earth (or under earth) did one occur where it did?

I dunno.

Some people -- mostly scientists -- will tell you that earthquakes are caused by the plates of the earth moving in different directions or at different speeds, building pressure, and suddenly releasing, but I think they're making it up as they go along. We need to find out what causes earthquakes, then stop them. Or use them to our advantage, like Gene Hackman tried to do in that Superman movie (the first one).

So, what causes earthquakes? Or, failing that, what caused yesterday's earthquake?

Here are the leading candidates:

• Global warming causes them.
• Global cooling.
• Witches.
• Maybe it's the Tea Party. They caused everything else that's wrong, so perhaps it's them that caused all the devastation yesterday.
• George Bush.
• More witches.
• The Titans bowling. Or maybe that's thunder.
• The Titans dropping their bowling ball.

Maybe it is the whole tectonic plates thing. Or maybe Teutonic plates. Probably so. I never did trust the Germans.