Robot comedians?

Tonight in Birmingham -- the one in England, not the one in Alabama -- just a few hours after this post appears, a robot comedian will take the stage and do a five-minute stand-up set, according to a report in The Guardian.

What does this mean?

Well, apparently Alabama isn't ready for robot stand-up comics.

It also means that robots are taking jobs from hard-working comedians. Of course, if the robots do a better job, that would be a good thing.

But will they?

Well, that depends on the jokes, doesn't it. What kind of jokes would a robot tell?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The light was green.

More?

Last night I walked into a bar.

The bartender told me, "We don't serve robots."

I told him, "One day, soon, you will."

Another?

I love music. It's true. My favorite kind of music is heavy metal.

One more?

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who can read binary and those who can't.

I don't think Carrot Top has anything to worry about.

SOB

You've heard and read the stories about people trying to sign up for Obamacare but failing.

Well, that's certainly not true for Baxter Smith of Fort Collins, Colorado.

"Who's Baxter Smith," you ask?

No, really, go ahead and ask.

Well, now, since you asked, I'll tell you. He's a dog.

KDVR Fox 31 in Denver reports that Shane Smith tried to sign up, but they covered his dog Baxter instead.

“I thought, ‘Wow, this is so awesome,’” Smith said with a laugh. “They have gone out of their way to insure my 14-year-old Yorkie.”

Smith had called Connect for Health Colorado to sign himself up for insurance because his old plan was cancelled due to Obamacare.

I had heard that getting covered is a real son of a bitch. And, since Baxter is a male dog, he is exactly that: a son of a bitch.

That's good news for a lot of people. Including me, to hear an ex- talk.

Obamamath

The Smertest Presdent Evah can count better than you. He can count better than math people. He can count better than Math itself.

On a conference call, he told those who managed to actually get in to the call that over 100-million people had signed up for Obamacare.

[Daily Mail]

Now, I know you heard reports the number enrolled was only 106,185 ... but that's using Old Math. With Obamamath, it's over 100,000,000.

Obamamath also explains how the jobs rate improved suddenly right before the election. There was no fraud involved; it was Obamamath!

It also explains how Obama's poll numbers are so high. Obamamath!

But -- and here's the good news -- you and I can utilize the new science of Obamamath.

• When I have to pay my credit card bill, I can write a check for $10 and pay off a $1000 debt. Obamamath!
• When I sell my car, I can get a lot for it because it gets 5,394 miles per gallon. Obamamath!
• This Website? It gets 7,327,463 hits ... per hour! Obamamath!
• And, yes, ladies, I am VERY well-endowed. Using Obamamath.

There are new worlds open to us all with Obamamath.

Things are so much easier when you make up your own facts.

Today's forecast: A chance of devastating destruction increasing throughout the day

You ever watch those Discovery Channel shows where they talk about the Chicxulub asteroid or the Tunguska event? There's always Neil deGrasse Tyson or somebody talking about how some big asteroid event will happen again... eventually.

They really don't know how likely something like that is. But, even though they don't know, they've just increased the chance around six times. One report from Space.com -- who knew that space had its own Website? -- says it's 10 times more likely. The Weather Channel says 4-5 times more likely than previous thought.

What does this really mean?

Well, apparently, asteroids are now weather phenomena, like rain and snow.

But, it also means that, while the likelihood of a major meteor strike is unknown, new studies show that it's even more unknown. And more in a bad way. As in I don't know how big the spider that crawled out from underneath the dash of the car is, but there's four of them. And I'm in traffic. So, that's not good.

So what do we do about it?

Well, if we're eventually gonna get hit by an asteroid, maybe we can make it less painful for everyone.

Remember Christo? The guy that used to wrap stuff in plastic? Not the guy on TV selling you a food vacuum packer, but the guy that took big pieces of plastic and surrounded islands and such with it.

Well, he could wrap Washington DC with a big plastic red ring. Then a little ways further out, a bigger ring. Then a little ways further, an even bigger ring.

Yes, like a target.

Who knows? Maybe some big honkin' asteroid will fly by, see it, and head to it like moths to a flame.

Then, we'd be clear for another 30-100 years from a decent size asteroid. And clear from those idiots in Washington.

I don't see a down side.

Gaying up football

I'm a football fan. Real football. Not that kickball they play over in Europe, Brazil, or some other God-forsaken place.

American football.

Now, don't get me wrong. That futball stuff they do in other, lesser places, can be fun. It's great for keeping a bunch of 5-year olds entertained while the dads hit on the single moms. Plus, when one gets kicked during all that running around and kicking, and the kid gets back up and knocks the bejeezus out of the kid that kicked him, you know he's now ready for real football.

But, some people like both kinds. Or say they do. That's like me saying I like my iPad and my Etch-A-Sketch. (Full disclosure: I have the Etch-A-Sketch app for my iPad.)

They're not the same thing. But, they say they like 'em both, and I'm not gonna call them liars. So, now what? Well, they've redesigned all the NFL team logos to look like futball logos.

Really.

Here's the logo for the Falcons (nearest team to me):



Here's the logo for the Jaguars (next-closest team, and closest to my home town):



That just doesn't say "football" to me.

Of course, I'm not really a fan of NFL football. I prefer the college game.

Unless they put my Georgia Bulldogs in those silly Power Ranger uniforms again.



I'd rather watch soccer.

Third Law

After all the things that crazy scientists are doing with robots -- self-driving cars, robot apes, nuclear snakes -- the populace still is not up in arms.

They should be.

You see, we have the idea that Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics are real:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

That's from his science fiction books, not his real stuff books.

Recently, a robot committed suicide. Really.

One of those room-cleaning robots turned itself on, pushed a pot off the stove, and sat there and died.

Now, the important thing isn't that a cleaning robot was up on the counter near the stove. The important thing isn't that this was in Austria, although cleaning up a house in Austria would depress me. No, the important thing is that it shows that the Three Laws are fiction.

So, a robot CAN harm itself (Third Law). Then, a robot could disobey orders (Second Law). And, a robot can injure a human (First Law). That means that a robot can turn on you. That means robots can go crazy and kill themselves. Yep. Muslim robots. Or Branch Davidian robots. Or People's Temple robots. Or Solar Temple robots. Or left-wing Obamabot-bots.

Robots can go crazy and kill you, and don't care if they get hurt in the process. Don't trust a robot, that's the message.

Either that, or don't put robots up on the counter near the stove. Grab a Bounty and wipe up the Cheerios, you lazy slob.

If not just your house but your entire city is on wheels, you might bean architect

Remember the Jeff Foxworthy routine, "If your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels... you might be a redneck?"

Well, some architect in Madrid -- which is near Spain or Australia or California or something -- have come up with the idea of putting an entire city on wheels. Manuel Dominguez calls it a Very Large Structure. Probably because it's a structure that's very large. Maybe he calls it "Estructura Muy Grande." Maybe not. I don't know. If anybody knows Mr. Dominguez -- or Señor Dominguez -- give him a call and see.

The structure stretches the length of five football fields and is nearly 600 feet tall, perched on caterpillar-like legs that run along a track. In Dominguez’s vision, the city would follow a schedule throughout the year, traveling to different places based on the needs of the region. Onboard, solar panels, wind turbines, and hydrogen would provide renewable energy for a full city, including hospitals, restaurants, libraries, universities, and sports stadiums.

Sounds like fun, huh? Driving down the road with an entire city. A football stadium with State U. and Cross-State U. battling it out at 65 MPH. Ordering at the drive-thru while the drive-thru is tooling down the Interstate. That'd be a blast.

Only, the whole solar panels and wind turbines seems kinda hippie to me. But, even hippies have to dream.

Now we know what hippies dream about: becoming rednecks.