Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A Liberal History
Hello. I'm Church Wardhill. I'm a professor of Pseudo-American Studies at the University of Aztlan. And in this political season ... this election season ... I believe with all my ... being ... that we are in a national crisis, facing a major crossroad. And the decisions we make will impact this flawed nation of ours for weeks, even months, to come. What do we do? Look to the past. Because we must learn from history. The Nazi .. I mean, Republican ... Party has nominated George Bush's evil twin, John McCain, and that harpy, Sarah Palin, to be president and vice president. People forget that Pontius Palin ... a governor ... sentenced community organizer Jesus H. Obama -- that's "Jesus," which is the Arabic, um, Aramaic ... wait, I mean, Greek ... name for "Barack" -- to death. To death!! Nobody deserves to die! Except a fetus. And that's what we'd get if McCain and Palin win! Death! And not for fetuses. But for good people, who shouldn't die, like murderers and child rapists. We must learn from history! And not just from things that happened millions of years ago. But in recent history. Like the American Civil War. The U.S. had just come out of the war with France, and the newly-formed Republican Party had introduced slavery to this nation. And the South ... that hot-bed of evil ... declared war on the United States after a Democrat, Abraham Lincoln, was elected president. The Republicans, led by Jefferson Davis McCain (the founder of Halliburton) split off from the country after kidnapping all the African-Americans and forcing them to work in the cotton fields, taking all the jobs previously done by the Mexicans. It was a long and bloody war, with right-wing religious zealots ... Methodists ... driving their horse and buggies into buildings, killing millions and millions of Americans. Our great American president, Abraham -- that's a Jewish name, meaning "Barack" -- Lincoln, a two-term Democrat, led the Americans to victory. And without a war. He talked and talked until the South surrendered. But, after the war ... I mean negotiations ... Confederate vice president John Wilkes Bush, a Republican, murdered Lincoln while he was watching a movie. The Republicans continued to terrorize America, following the Civil War, all throughout the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries. In the 1960s, the country was again at war. Peace-loving students were bombing administration buildings at college campuses all across the nation. But, in the South, George Wallace, Georgia's Republican governor, killed Dr. Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy, plunging the nation into the Vietnam War. And this path of war has continued in the years since. After Jimmy Carter ended the Vietnam War, Republican Ronald Reagan took us to war with Iraq. His vice president, George Bush, continues that war to this day. The evils perpetrated upon this flawed country of ours by the Republicans must not be forgotten. They must, in fact, be remembered. And remembered in this way. We must avoid the mistakes of the past. We must elect Barack J. Obama as our next Führer ... I mean president ... so he can lead us out of bondage. And into a Brave New World. Thank you.