Friday, October 31, 2008
Barack Obama walked into the room, looking left, then right, then straight ahead. "Over here, sir," said the security agent. Obama looked nervously to each side again, then proceeded in the direction the man indicated. Taking his seat, he shuffled the papers in front of him as those standing around the table slowly took their seats. "What's first?" Obama asked. "Well, sir, the push in these next few days will be the opinion of the world," said the man on his left. "The world? You mean this planet?" Obama asked. "World opinion, sir. We want to show how much world opinion matters," the man said. "Yeah, that'd be a great idea," Obama said. "Uh-oh. Do we know how the world feels? I mean, have we sent anyone there to find out? And how long would a trip there take? Can we get the information back in time?" The man paused, his mouth going dry. He licked his lips. "Uh, yes, sir, we've already received the results. And the world loves you, sir." "Oh, goodie! I'd like to go there one day. To they speak English there? On TV, all the planets speak English. But I don't know if I can believe everything I see on TV," Obama said. "Except for infomercials. They're great. I want a Bowflex. Oh, and one of those Inside-the-Egg Scramblers. Kwanzaa is coming up, you know!" "Yes, sir. But if we can get back to the polls..." "Why do we care what the Poles think? Aren't they stupid? I saw that on TVLand. Archie called Mike a "dumb Polack" and everybody laughed," Obama said. "No, sir, we're talking about opinion polls. The world wants you to be elected president," the man said. "Okay, then tell them they've got to vote on Tuesday. Tell them I need their support." "Um, sir, people from other countries don't vote in the U.S elections." "Well, why not?" Obama asked. "Do you mean that the French, the Italians, the Iranians, the Canadians, the Russians, the Chinamen, the Koreans, the British, the English, the Anglos, none of them get to vote? That's not fair!" "Well, we do have several voting in Ohio, so that helps a little," the man offered. "Okay then. So, the plan is to tell America that we've got foreigners voting for me in the election and they need to vote for me too?" Obama asked. "I like that." "Oh, no. No, sir. We don't mention that to anyone. It's ... um ... it's a secret, sir." "Ah. I see. Spies," Obama said. "Where from? Germany? Lapland? Moldavia? Seton Hall?" "Um, sure. Anyway, we want to tell America that we can return America to its days of prestige and leadership by electing you," the man explained. "Oh, okay. Right. I get it," said Obama. "We show our leadership by doing what everyone else does. That's brilliant!" "Um, yes, sir." Obama thought for a minute. "What about Iraq? Can we talk about how bad it is that we went into Iraq?" "Oh, of course, sir." The man added, "Iraq is one of our strongest issues. We need to keep hitting about how terrible going into Iraq was. And that we need to get out as soon as possible. Immediately. Or sooner." "Yeah," Obama said. "I bet the Iraq people want me to be president, don't they?" The man stuttered, "Uh, uh, we... um, uh, well, um, actually, more Iraqis support McCain." "Maybe I need to go to Iraqiland and campaign there," Obama offered. "I'm sure we could convince them that it'd be better if I won. And call them racist if they don't support me. That works here. It'd work in Iraqiland, wouldn't it?" "Actually, sir, it's better to just call it 'Iraq.' And we probably don't want to bring up how the Iraqi people really feel. We just need to say we need to leave Iraq," the man said. "I got an idea," Obama said. "Let's tell them that we'll not only leave Iraq, but we'll put it back like we found it. Do we know who was president in Iraq before Bush attacked them? We could find him and put him back in charge. The Iraqis would love that, I'm sure. That way, it'd be just like we never attacked them." The man paused for a second before responding. "Let's just leave that part out, sir." "Well, okay," Obama said. "You know best." "Good. Thank you, sir. Time to get back on the campaign trail. You and Michelle have an appearance tonight in Iowa." Obama shuddered for a second. "She scares me." "Me, too," the man said. "Me, too."