Friday, December 3, 2010
NASA discovers life on Earth
Hello, I'm Dwayne Brown, NASA's token black guy. And I'm here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they've discovered life on Earth.
Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn's moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.
Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it's freakin' California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?
Tell you what. Let me let these so-called "scientists" tell you themselves about what they've wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?
Well, now, Dwayne, I wouldn't go so far as to say we wasted people's money. It was money we got from Congress, so it's government money. It's not like the money belonged to people.
We at NASA have focused our efforts on things that are really important. Not silly things like space exploration. I mean, why would NASA want anything to do with space. It's not like "space" is in our name or anything.
Yeah, for reals. Nobody wants to go out into space. A bunch of old dudes did, but that was back in the '60s when they should have been protesting the war. Instead, they got on top of rockets and went to the moon. Borrrringggg!
What we did was, like, totally awesome! We went to Mono Lake. And, for you old fuddy-duddies that think we should be going to the moon and stuff, if you look at how it's spelled, "Mono" and "moon" both have the same letters. And that's close enough for us.
Anyhow, we went to this place and went looking for life. We thought, where in the world would we not find life. And the first thing that came to our mind was a hole with water in it. You never find life at a water hole.
We took our cameras out and made a video. And to make it all space-like and such, we made it look like that video from that Star Trek movie where the camera zooms over the Genesis planet. You remember, right? Anyway, we did that to make all you space-geeks happy.
We found these little potatoes that fed on arsenic. Just like those old women did in that movie I saw on the TV one night. Only this was for real.
I got so excited, I made my "O" face. It looked like this.
Then I went out and had a cheeseburger. And I ate it all my myself. Like this.
Let me jump in for a minute here and say that it's a very exciting discovery we made. It means that when we're looking for life on other planets, we can expand that search to include all kinds of chemical reactions in our methodology.
We should have thought of this back in 1976 when we discovered an interesting chemical reaction on an experiment with the Viking lander on Mars. When we did follow-up tests, we found nothing. It never crossed our minds that the tests for life could have discovered and killed the life all at the same time.
Oh, well. Live and learn. Anyway, I thought we were going to talk about life on Titan when I agreed to be here. Turns out that we're talking about some microbe in the bottom of a water hole in California.
I see a lot of you are already bored now that we've told you what this big secret announcement is all about. So I'll do some magic tricks to entertain you. Watch these two pieces of metal.
Now it's a chain! Magic! This is my nephew Kyle's favorite trick. Have you seen Kyle? He's about this tall.
You and your silly magic tricks. I just came here because I thought we were going to the Oprah show. I wanted a new car. Instead, I get this crap.
What about me? NASA wouldn't even spring for a short flight to have me on the stage. I have to call in over the phone.
Hey, you're lucky you don't have to be here. I could have been sitting at my desk on the phone, playing Angry Birds on my iPad. But no. I'm wasting a day attending this nonsense.
Tell you what, let's take some questions from the audience.
Nobody has any questions?
Yeah, I got one. Have you seen my glasses? I had them earlier, and now I can't find them.
No, but we have a team looking for life under a rock in a McDonald's parking lot. If they find anything, we'll let you know.
I want to know who this guy is behind me. He's been following me around for about a week.
He's with me.
Have any of you dated Charlie Sheen?
The rumors are simply rumors and nothing more. Charlie and I are just good friends.
How has the NASA's Muslim outreach program benefited the taxpayer?
We went looking for Muslims and found poisonous microbes. I'd call it a success.
That's all the time we have today. Thank you for coming. I'm Dwayne Brown, from the NASA communications office. And I have posted my resume on monster.com.