Friday, October 7, 2011

How the Stimulus saved us

In case you weren't aware, Barack Obama is teh awesomest person in the whole wide world. Just ask him. Or Nancy Pelosi.

The former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader who represents Planet San Francisco, told The Weekly Standard that, without Obama's 2009 Stimulus, we'd be in worse shape than we are now:
"Without the Recovery Act and accompanying federal interventions, whether from the Fed, or Cash for Clunkers, or other initiatives, the unemployment rate last year at the time of the election would have been fourteen and a half percent, not nine and a half percent," said Minority Leader Pelosi.
You see? You see? The Stimulus was a good thing. Crazy Aunt Nancy said so.

I wonder why she stopped there, though. Because there must have been more that the Obama Stimulus did. Because Obama and the Democrats are so awesome you know.

We did some digging, and found out that, not only did the Obama Stimulus save 8.3 million imaginary jobs, it did a bunch of other things, too.
  • It helped Steve Jobs invent the iPad.
  • The stimulus kept the asteroid 99942 Apophis from striking the Earth.
  • It killed Osama bin Laden.
  • The stimulus won Super Bowl XLV.
  • It blew up the Death Star.
  • The stimulus is what gave the Old Spice Guy his job.
  • That thing you thought you lost? The stimulus actually found it and put it there on the table for you.
  • It kept the sun from burning out.
  • Remember when Global Warming was going to melt all the ice caps by 2011? The stimulus stopped it.
  • The stimulus saved Chuck Norris.
  • It kept Windows 7 from sucking as bad as Windows Vista.
  • The stimulus kept Pluto from leaving the solar system after scientists fired it.
There are so many wonderful things the stimulus has done, we need a new one every month.

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