Friday, September 13, 2013

I M Verizon

Based on a true story

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2012

Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

I'm looking to upgrade my phone.

Let's see how long it's been… Oh, you've reached the 20-month date for an upgrade. So, you can get the discounted price. Was there a particular phone you were looking at? Another Droid, perhaps?

Actually, I was looking at one of these iPhones.

That's a good phone. And, it's only $199 on a two-year contract.

So, the contract will run to 2014? And if I want to upgrade again?

In 20 months.

I'll take it.

April 12, 2013

"Dear Valued Verizon Wireless Customer:

We at Verizon are changing our renewal terms. We don't care that the terms were 20-months when you signed the contract. We're changing the terms on our side before the contract ends. You still have to honor your end, though. Or we'll, like, take you to court, screw up your credit report, and anything else we can think of.

Please understand, Valued, that we're doing this to serve you better. Or something."

Columbus, Georgia
September 13, 2013

Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

I'm looking to upgrade my phone. I want to pre-order one of the new ones, the iPhone 5c.

Certainly. That'll be $549. Plus tax.

What about the 20-month upgrade?

Didn't you get our letter earlier this year? We changed the terms.

So, you mean, I signed the contract when your policy was to upgrade at 20 months, which was earlier this month? And you decided to change your side of the contract, but hold me to mine?

Yes, sir. That's what the email said.

Tell you what. Keep your damn phone.

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2014

Welcome to AT&T. How may I screw, uh, serve you today?


  1. Pay-as-you-go phone cards.

  2. The exact same thing happened to me. Almost down to the exact dates even. I didn't get an iPhone but still. I'm glad to know I'm not the only person they hate and can't follow a contract with.

  3. This is why I'm leaving Version and moving to Ting.

  4. @4 - Isn't that an orange-flavored breakfast drink made in China?

  5. I work for Verizon Wireless.

    1) I hate the [expletive deleted] upgrade change as much as if not more than you do. Think of your anger now multiply by that by many, many customers and imagine having to deal with all those people, many of whom treat me as if *I* made the change and did so out of personal spite toward them. Fun, fun, fun!

    2) Wanna know how Verizon can do this? Go look for upgrade date terms in the customer agreement. Hint: they're not there. At all. The only thing in the contract is contract term itself (2 years), not when you can upgrade.

    In other words, Verizon didn't actually change the contract terms. Slick, eh? (insert profanity-under-breath here)

  6. @6 - For what it's worth, technically an oral contract is still a contract.

    Proving that it was made and enforcing it is a little trickier, though.

    Guess the suits at Verizon did the math and decided it was more profitable to lose a few customers at renewal than to allow upgrades.

    Their company, their call, I guess.

    But it still stinks, and I'm sorry it had to land on your shoulders.

  7. Tingles:

    Oh, I certainly understand. And I told more than one of the workers in the store that I wasn't directing my anger at them, but at the name above the pocket on their shirt.

    And, I know that AT&T won't really be any different. That's why I used the weasel character to represent them, too.

    Nothing of what I wrote is personal towards you, but I do take the "whatcha gonna do about it" attitude from the company personal.

  8. "We're the phone company. We don't care. We don't have to. (*snort*)"

  9. I miss... my rotary phone...pre-answering machine age...I hate call waiting...remember when you let the phone ring a couple of times and assumed if they didn't pick up they weren't at home.

  10. It's funny that you've posted this just a few months after I myself left Verizon. I wasn't happy with that change, or the fact that I couldn't have unlimited data anymore. Not to mention that, for the company that made "Droid" a household name, ever since they got the iPhone they've been missing a lot of the best Android phones. So, I decided that if I wasn't going to have unlimited data anymore, I might as well pay someone else not to have it, and I got an HTC One from AT&T. Best part of being on AT&T is that it's pretty easy to get unlocked phones like Google's Nexus phones whenever you want.

    Of course, the worst part of being on AT&T is that I'm now on AT&T...

  11. I signed up for ATT unlimited internet because- it was unlimited, and I live in an area with no cable, and no DSL. Although my local phone company has promised me that my location will have full DSL by January 2000. The month after 3G came to the area, suddenly, my internet was limited to 5 GB. First explantion, "It was always 5 GB." Uh, no, the contract says "unlimited". there was only a few month timespan where they offered that contract- which is why I entered into it. So, next explanation, "Well, it was on your bill- you should have read it." Billed electronically, and the internt portion was 69 pages. On teh last page of one of the bills, "Your unlimited option has expired." Option? Expired? So, another call. "Could you show me the part of teh contract that give the unlimited an expiration date, or any otehr addendum that allows the unlimited to expire?"Surem teh'll send it to me. They never did- it didn't exist. No lawyer would touch. The AG's office in NY sadi it was a consumers affair problem not fraud. Consumer affairs said it wasn't something they could handle. Went for a free consult to a lwayer. Not enough people affected for a class action suit to make it worth his while. Now, I have to leave the house and use internet at the library, or Tim Horton's or McDonalds. The wireless internets that offer unlimited? They all work off Sprint towers- and we can get Sprint only if the wind is blowing in the right direction. I love how large companies are held to their contracts by the LAW. Yep, sure do.

  12. @12 - At times like these, I think about my first dial-up modem and try to remind myself that ANY wireless internet is a blessing.


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