Friday, September 2, 2011


Hey, did you hear the news? Obama has a jobs plan! And he's going to actually appear on the TV set to tell us all about it?

Oh, you already heard? Then, you're as excited as I am about it, aren't you? Yeah, I thought so.


Here's the thing, though. Have you noticed what's been happening to Obama as he tries to schedule things?

First, Obama absolutely has to tell us all about this awesome plan he has. But not today. Next week. When the Republicans are scheduled to debate. On NBC.

(By the way, don't NBC and Obama talk any more? Maybe when Obama gets up in the morning, he doesn't wake NBC. Then, he's off to the golf course before NBC even gets out of bed.)

Anyway, Obama wanted to give this oh-so-important speech on Wednesday, September 7, the same night as the GOP debate. Then Claire Shipman's husband came out and said, "The Republicans can move their debate. It'll be okay with us."

And NBC was, like, "awkward!" Then John Boehner (he's the Speaker of the House or something) was all, like, "No, I'm doing my hair that night, so do it another night."

So then Obama said he'd do it the next night. But then someone realized that the NFL was playing that night. (On a Thursday night? I thought that was reserved for 2nd-tier college football teams.)

Then Obama was all, "Oh, football? I forgot about that. We didn't have that in Kenya when I was a boy."

So, now, it's still Thursday night, but at 7:00 PM.

Which means that the east coast gets to hear Obama speak, but the left coast will be at work (those that work, anyway) and not able to hear him.

What does all this mean?

It means that we've now discovered we can treat Obama like the pretty girls treat the nice-but-don't-want-to-date-him guy from school.

Make an excuse for a date, and he'll merrily go along.

"Hey, America? I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out for a hamburger after study?"

"Oh, Barack, that's so sweet of you to ask. But I'm doing my hair. Some other time, huh?"

"Okay then, America. How about the next night? We could head over to the Bijou and catch that new movie I heard you talking about?"

"Oh, Barack, that's so sweet of you to ask. But I'm getting new wallpaper for my room, and I need to make sure everything is just right. You understand?"

"Sure I do, America. What about an early dinner then. Something quick, maybe?"

"Oh, Barack, that's so sweet of you to ask. But I've got cheerleader practice, and just won't have the time."

You see? We could do that. We just need to line up excuses. Then, when Obama wants to do something, like give a speech or raise our taxes or push some gargantuan health care bill down out throat, we can offer up an excuse and he'll put it off till some later time. We keep that up until January, 2013, and the problem takes care of itself.

Now, we just need some excuses.

Any ideas?


  1. Tangentially related:

    Anyway, personally I'll do what I always do with Obama speeches - glean the money-quotes from right-wing news sites.

    And make fun of them.

  2. Oh, Barack, that's so sweet of you to ask, but I have to clean up after this tropical storm that is moving through the Gulf coast, then I have to shop for my Homecoming Court dress.


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