Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Stupid Americans

There's a new report out that says Americans are dumbasses.

According to an Associated Press story, Americans scored lower than average in math, reading, and problem-solving.

Turn out that Japanese, Canadians, Australians, and Finnish adults all did better than Americans. Now, I knew the Japanese were smart. Resourceful, too. You gotta nuke 'em to make 'em quit. But Canadians? Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Canadians or Canadia as a country. They're like Americans, but without all the accomplishments. Unless you count hockey. Even then, it's been 20 years since a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup. Rowsdower would not be pleased.

And Australians? They gave us Yahoo Serious.

I won't say anything about folks from Finland, because I don't that's a real place.

Anyway, Americans all scored lower than those people. That means we're dumbasses.

Unless the test is wrong. Or something.

Maybe it was written in Canadian or Australian. That could explain it. Or maybe all the questions had to do with beer. As much as Americans drink beer, I think the Canadians and Australians would be hard to beat in a beer-drinking contest. Of course, what else is there to do in Canadia or Austria/Australia (whichever)? Stalk moose or crocodiles?

But, then I remember the 2008 and 2012 elections. I'm thinking the test is right. Americans are dumbasses. Or, at least, 52% of Americans are. And that puts us below average.

The good news? When the Finlandfolk come at night to take over America, riding elk to the sound of the Karelia Suite, after they conquer that 52%, the rest of us will swat the Finns like flies. Of course, we won't do anything until they've captured the 52% and taken them back to work as slave labor, tilling the frozen land. As a sign of good faith, we won't ask for the 52% back.

Anyway, with the dumbasses gone, America will score higher on tests. In fact, we'll write our own tests and laugh at the Canadians, Australians, and Finlanders as they try to take them.

But not the Japanese. Piss them off and they'll attack Hawaii.


  1. Of course, we won’t do anything until they’ve captured the 52% and taken them back to work as slave labor, tilling the frozen land. As a sign of good faith, we won’t ask for the 52% back.

    That is the kind of Hope & Change I can really get behind.

  2. If the Finn's don't invade, we really need to be concerned about who the 52% are going to give us next... assuming we survive.

  3. Can't we just ask the 52% to return to their graves or Mexico?

  4. But not the Japanese. Piss them off and they’ll attack Hawaii.

    And that is a bad thing why?

  5. Last time, they did it 20 years too soon?

  6. Careful what you say about Finland, they went toe to toe with the USSR and won.

  7. "But not the Japanese. Piss them off and they’ll attack Hawaii."

    how'd that work out for them?

    @6 Rayfan87

    yep, too few remember.

  8. Jimmy Carter strikes again! Lets see this data charted since the 50's, and see if we didn't start losing ground until Carted created the Federal Dept. of Education!

  9. Ok this just gave me an idea for a new SyFy movie. A team of Australian and Canadian scientist must track down a Crocomoose or a Mooseadile. Epic right?

  10. In the Finns' defense, they did create Star Wreck

    Strictly my own opinion, but "Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning" took on the daunting challenge of making a "Star Trek"/"Babylon 5" parody mashup and pulled it off with style and brilliance.

    As a fan of both franchises, I can honestly say it deserves a Constellation-class starship shuttlecraft bay full of bacon.

  11. 40+ years of union teachers and their democrats 'elected' communist bosses pissing in the gene pool finally paid off, the proof is in the White House.

  12. The Russians had Ruskies, the Finns had Simo Hayha, hardly seems fair in retrospect.

  13. Obviously, since the white Europeans, white Canadians, and the Asians all did well on the test, but the diverse Americans did not do nearly as well, well, the test was racist. So, the test results don't mean a thing. I mean, were there questions on the test on how to make Purple Drank? Were there questions on how to game the welfare system? Were there any questions on how to register dead people to vote, and then get them to the polls so the proper Communist would win? No? See? The test was racist. How well do you think those uppity Europeans and Canadians, and Japanese people would do if they were tested on such relevant issues as those, hmmm??

  14. They didn't need a study to find this out. Americans elected a liar, cheat and thief as president not once but twice. They have endured scandal after scandal, had their rights restricted and their freedoms denied and sat mutely by as they have been called names, castigated and castrated.

    If that doesn't assure their names of the list as dumb(butts-sorry I just couldn't type it, I know I'm so not cool) I don't know what else could. Even Canada has not achieved the wussification that America has. BOHICA, boys and girls.

  15. Well technically, most countries move low-preforming kids into trade schools at the end of middle-school, and the only students who go on to high school are basically the honor roll.

    So, basically we are seeing the results of grade welfare.

  16. My grandfather was a full-blooded Finnish-American and stereotypically Finnish: reserved, highly intelligent, stoic, blond/blue-eyed, surprisingly strong. It's so funny to read stories in the mainstream media extolling the virtues of the Finnish education system and implying that the US public school system should try to emulate the Finns' success. Unfortunately, the only thing we need to duplicate the Finns' educational outcomes are schools full of nothing but Finnish kids, which is one resource we don't really have much of. Maybe we should make policies encouraging more Finns to immigrate to the U.S., rather than second- and third-world peasants.


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