Monday, January 11, 2010

Cleaning up your language. Sort of.

Too many people use bad language. And I've been guilty of that. And it's wrong. But what does one do about it?

Many people who use bad language do it under extreme circumstances, not as a matter of normal language. Sure, some people use profanity as every other word, it seems. But not everyone is that way. But, sure, extreme circumstances do occur.

There are some common words and phrases that some people will use instead of the ... more colorful metaphors. Think about these that are close in sound to similar vulgar phrases:
  • Oh, heck
  • Darn it!
  • Son of a gun
  • Frikkin'
  • Oh, shoot!
There are other phrases that don't aren't as close to profanity, but can be used in situations where profanity might otherwise be used:
  • Heavens to Betsy!
  • Holy Cow!
  • Jeepers
Can you use these today? Sure. But they are a little lame.

However, we can come up with other phrases that might be useful as alternatives to profanity ... and still express just how strongly you feel about something.

A while back, I noticed that it's common for really bad drivers to have Obama bumper stickers. And when I encounter a really bad driver, I want to call them something horrible. Then, it occurred to me: is there anything worse than being called an Obama voter?

"Obama voter" is about as vulgar as you can get. Try it some time. When an idiot cuts you off in traffic or speeds across three lanes just to come to a complete stop in front of you, call them an "Obama voter." It feels good to relieve that frustration ... and it's quite probably true.

And, "Obama voter" is a term of profanity fits pretty much any situation:

Frankly, my dear, I don't give an Obama vote.

I'm as mad as an Obama voter, and I'm not going to take this anymore!

Take your stinking paws off me, you Obama-voting dirty ape!

Don't you Obama-votin' look at me!

Yippie kay-yay, Obama-voter.

I have had it with these Obama-voting snakes on this Obama-voting plane!

Now I want you to remember that no Obama-voter ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb Obama-voter die for his country!

See? "Obama voter" is an acceptable way of saying a very, very bad thing.

I'm sure there are more ways this or other phrases can be used and fit the situation ... help us clean up our language.


  1. At the risk of pointing out the obvious, I think that number three down MIGHT tend to be a little racist. Harry Reidish, even.

  2. Calling an actual ape an ape is racist? Dude, you gotta keep me up-to-date on these things.

    In my defense, I was confused because, in that scene from Planet of the Apes, the gorilla guard didn't have a noticeable Ape dialect.

  3. A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his Obama-voting liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.


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