Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Earth Day

Hello, world. It's Earth Day.

Let's talk a little bit about Earth Day, its history, and why it's important to...

You're a racist.


You're a racist.

What do you mean? Why would you say that?

Racist. You are talking about Earth Day.


That's racist.

How do you figure?

You're an Earthling. And Earth Day is racist.

Hang on a second...

You hold on a second, Earth creature. The whole concept of Earth Day makes me angry. Very angry, indeed.

Why would you be upset about Earth Day?

I am from Mars. And Earth has been keeping Mars down for years.


It obstructs my view of Venus.

Oh, THAT old complaint.

Let me ask you, creature. When was the first Earth Day?

April 22, 1970.

Lenin's 100th birthday?

Um, well, yes, I guess so.

A bunch of environmentalists came up with this, right?

Well, yes.

They were concerned about global cooling, weren't they?

Yes, actually, they were.

Now, it's global warming. You Earth creatures are so silly.


Didn't the "Keep America Beautiful" campaign begin on the second Earth Day, in 1971?


The campaign that starred Iron Eyes Cody, wasn't it?

Yes, it was. I remember...

He was born in Louisiana to Sicilian immigrants, grew up in Texas, and began pretending to be an American Indian in his adult life. Isn't that correct?

Well, yes, that's true...

You Earthlings are so silly.

I didn't mean to upset you about Earth Day...

You Earth creatures need to look at the big picture. Your environmentalists have some good ideas. But they don't have perspective.

Well, yes, but ...

Your environmentalists would rather pay money to terrorists for oil than to spill some oil on a polar bear.


And you come up with something like Earth Day? You should show as much respect for the other planets. Like Mars. Or Jupiter. Or Saturn. Or Uranus...


He said "Uranus." Huh-huh-huh-huh.

Yeah, I got Uranus right here, Butt-head.

That is the coolest name for a planet ever.

Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.

Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh.

I must find my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.

Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh.

Please. Find it soon.

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