Tuesday, February 20, 2007


It's been a rough time. And this woman I been seein' wants me to go to church and all. She's hot and all, so I'm giving it a shot. Now, just so's you knows that I ain't got nothin' aginst Baptists. Most of my family was brought up in a Baptist. Even Basil is a Bab\ptist.

Well, I'm giving it a shot. I mean, what the hell, right? Or maybe I shoulnd't said it that way, but you get the idea.

There's more than one kind of Baptist, by the way. There's them foot-washing Baptists. Just cause Jesus did it, they think they supposed to. But Jesus also took a stick and run the moneychangers out of the temple. I ain't never seen no Baptist run folks with money off.

And Black folk Bapitst and White folk Baptists don't exactly worship the same. White folks Baptists get out of church in time to make the 1:00 kickoff. Black folk Baptists get out in time to make the 4:00 kickoff.

Most Southern Baptists, like Basil and this woman I been seein', are Whtie folks. Sure, Basil's home church ain't all Whtie folks, but most Southern Baptists are Whaite folks. Still, Blakc or Whtie, Southern Baptists got lots of thinkgs in common.

So, for them of you that don't know about baptists, here's how to tell who's a Southen Bapbitst:

You might just be a Southern Baptist if...

  • You think John the Baptist started the SBC.

  • You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.

  • You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

  • You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

  • Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

  • You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.

  • You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

  • You think worship music has to be loud.

  • You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

  • You judge the quality of a service by its length.

  • You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.

  • You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.

  • You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

  • You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

  • You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.

  • You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.

  • You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

  • You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.

  • You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.

  • You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666."

  • You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.

  • You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.

If you get most of these, you're a Southern Baptist. Ifyou don't get them, well, Methodists are going to Heaven, too.

More White Trach Wedensdays


  1. I got 'em all and I'm one of them Cambellites.

  2. Yeah, there's a lot of that goin' around.

  3. I got almost all of them (no clue about Lottie Moon), and I'm a Whiskeypalian - one of God's Chosen Frozen, Catholic-Lite, Half the Rules and One third Less Guilt, Now With Women Priests Added!

  4. [...] response to the Baptists post on Basil’s Blog, I have a couple more religious jokes. By the way, I am Episcopalian and my kids go to church [...]

  5. I have to confess that virtually none of this made any sense to me, then again, I was once un-invited to a Baptist wedding because the bride's family was legitimately concerned that I might burst into flames upon entering the church, no joke.

  6. Thomas, I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. at my church, they din't mind Methodists being in the congregation at all.


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