Friday, July 10, 2009

Warning: Warning labels are stupid

We need to quit put warning labels on things.

I wasn't sure about this for a while, but I'm totally convinced now.

Instructions are fine. I believe in instructions. When people ask me stupid questions about using something or following a process, I usually ask them what the instructions said. The blank stare tells me they didn't read the instructions.

Instructions are good things. I like them. But, if you can do things without instructions, that's fine. Some people can. For some things, I can. Depends on the thing.

But instructions aren't warning labels. There's a difference.

Warning labels are for stupid people.

The classic example is the lawsuit against McDonald's where the lady spilled coffee in her lap. She sued McDonald's because when she ordered hot coffee, she was given hot coffee. That was hot.

So, now when you buy McDonald's hot coffee, the cup says "Caution: HOT!" That'll keep it from burning.

And that ties in to my point (you didn't know I had one, did you?): Warning labels are stupid.

If you aren't smart enough to figure out that peanuts contain nuts (yes, that's a real warning), then you deserve whatever happens to you.

You see, stupid should hurt. That's how you learn things. Or, if you don't learn things, you at least keep the rest of entertained watching you get hurt.

If you don't know that you're not supposed to eat Mr Bubbles, you ought to get sick if you do. And it'd be your own fault.

If you put your fingers in the blades of a running fan, it should hurt. Stupid should hurt.

And, if you do something really stupid, and it kills you, well, that's a shame. A darn shame. And I'd feel bad for you. Until I got hungry. Then I'd go eat and forget about you and the stupid thing you did.

You see, one thing warning labels do is help keep stupid people from getting hurt. Or from dying.

Warning labels mean more stupid people. Here's how:

Stupid man reads a warning label and doesn't stick a screwdriver in a light socket, and lives.

Stupid woman reads a warning label and doesn't user her toaster in the bath, so she lives.

Stupid man and stupid woman, having so much in common, meet, fall in love, and have stupid kids. For some reason, stupid people figure out the having kids things.

Stupid kids grow up, and the cycle continues.

This is already happening.

We've had warning labels on things long enough that we're a generation or two into the overcrowding of America by stupid people. You want proof? Here you go: they elected Barack Obama.

We need to find a way to get rid of all the warning labels. That way, we'll start reducing the number of stupid people, either by attrition or by them learning, by experience, to not do stupid stuff.

Unless we get rid of warning labels, we'll just have more and more stupid people around, and things will only get worse.

You have been warned.

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