Thursday, December 16, 2004

Return of Headline News

Continuing blatant rip-off of recent posts at IMAO, we present more actual headlines and actual fake comments. For some real humor, check out the crazies over there. They funny.
From CNNmoney:
Stern free to be raunchy on Sirius
In departure from current format, plans to feature lesbians, midgets, porn stars

From CNNmoney:
Brin beats Buffett
"Postman" author flees after violent attack on Margaritaville owner

From The Times Online:
Pope weighs into fight to keep Christ in Christmas
Holy Father expected to take Christ's side

From The Times Online:
Fake cigarettes carry an extra health risk
Incidents of cancer decrease, incidents of ass-whippings increase

From The Times Online:
Blackboard jungle lures Jenna Bush
The Defiant Ones prefer Barbara

From BBC:
Comet mission set for 2005 launch
Ajax, Bon-Ami to follow in 2006

From BBC:
Paisley arms claims rejected
Plaid legs claims accepted

From BBC:
College team reaches South Pole
Unfortunately, Ice Bowl game cancelled

Top player in state will be named today
Played entire career without name

From Washington Post:
Tenn. Man Gets Diploma After 68 Years
Says the 42 years in 8th grade were the hardest

From Washington Post:
Adams, Jefferson in boxers

From Washington Post:
Ukrainian Town Basking in the 'Orange' Afterglow
Top Kerry vacation spot not yet aware of election results

From Washington Post:
Taiwan Vote May Boost Independence
Missouri town awaits results

From Washington Post:
Interpreter Says No to Secrecy
... but tells no one

From Washington Post:
Who Wants To Talk Like A Computer?
Regis Philbin's new show to debut in March

From Washington Post:
Fannie Mae Told to Restate Earnings
Then told to get ass to kitchen and fix supper

From Washington Post:
Host Marriott Selling Stake in Courtyard
Rash of vampire attacks cited as reason

From Washington Post:
SEC Proposes Stock-Trading Changes
ACC, Big East, Pac 10 support

From Washington Post:
MicroStrategy Turnover Draws Analyst Scrutiny
Analyst prefers apple turnover, peach cobbler

From USA Today:
What you see this week could be what you'll get this winter
How this differs from every other December uncertain

From New York Times:
Sudan Head of Oxfam Quits Country
Launches Rock N Roll career

From New York Times:
2005 Masters Field Starts to Take Shape
Changes mind, picks shapeless blob instead

From New York Times:
Concert Canceled Over Use of Electronic Musicmaker
But that's as good a reason as any since we wanted to stay home and watch the game anyway

From New York Times:
A Politician at Home Behind the Curtain
Closet was full

From New York Times:
Study Faults Abstinence Courses
Study had hope to get laid by high school

From the AJC:
Japan Approves Visa for Ex-Taiwan Leader
MasterCard application pending

From the AJC:
Russell lands 8-year contract with NBA
Fat Albert, Weird Harold, Mushmouth expected to try out this week

From CNN:
Australia gets Xmas terror warning
Wanted a pony

From The Hawaii Channel:
Man Convicted Of 'Modern Slavery'
Told 'now go do it the old-fashioned way'

From CNN:
Flight attendants rally at White House
Down by 10 in fourth quarter, force overtime

From The Boston Channel:
Medical Mystery In South Boston Probed
Last episode of "St. Elsewhere" still subject of discussion

Report: Teen Robber Tied Up By Victims
Really stupid teens on rampage

From CNNmoney:
Greenspan rejects Treasury
Treasury sobs, "But I thought we really had something."

From CNN:
Inside Kerik's fall
Not quite as good as his summer, much better than his winter

From CNN:
Report: Mobile phone users double since 2000
Birmingham phone users triple

From CNN:
2004 among hottest on record
However, 2003 a better choice for long-term relationship

From CNN:
Company lets U.S. travelers 'Go Canadian'
Like "going commando," but with more beer

From CNN:
Campus political interest wanes
Just like everywhere else

From CNN:
Experts hunt for Yushchenko poison
Later find it in Yushchenko

From CNN:
Koizumi: N. Korea stuck on U.S.
Kim Jong Il fascinated by all Americans except "worthress Arec Bardrin"

From CNN:
China sends fresh warning to Chen
Found his number in Chinese phone book

From CNN:
Turkey set to open EU entry talks
Stuffing, cranberry sauce will not participate

From BBC:
A goat's not just for Christmas
I really don't have anything. I just liked the headline.

That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


  1. and what do you mean by "real humor"? you seemed to be the funniest of all the headline crazies, not to mention the most prolific!
    keep 'em coming! in the way implied earlier...

  2. from Google News
    9 bombs found on Indonesian Bus

    8 of them, however, were found to be pirated DVDs of "Gigli"

  3. Hey, thanks! I had hoped that Frank J. would make it a regular feature over there. I don't know if he will or not; he didn't post any Thursday.

    My plan is to do some more for the next couple of days, post them here, and see what happens.

    It may be that this kind of humor gets old quick, and just hasn't gotten old for me ... yet. We'll see.

    But, again, thanks.


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