While perusing www.porkbarrelspending.gov/piggytrough, I discovered
that Evil Glenn® was listed as a government contractor. Just as I was
about to discover the details of his project, my cat chewed through the
coaxial cable that connects me to the Internet, so I couldn't do any
I'm at the public library now, and I need your help. Since the rest of the Alliance still has Internet access, I'm counting on you to do some investigating:
What has the government contracted with Evil Glenn® to do for them?
There was a follow-up e-mail from Frank J.:
Get to work, loser.
So, off to work it is.
My recent troubles with Google taught me to be a more effective search engine pilot. And, after a couple of days, I had some interesting information. I contacted Alliance headquarters, and SpaceMonkey answered the phone.
"I've got some data you might be interested in," I said.
"Got a problem there, dude," SpaceMonkey replied. "Cats have chewed through all the cables here. I can't accept any uploads."
"Well, that's gonna make things difficult," I said. "And how did all the cats get there? Harvey had the same problem."
"Yeah, I know. That's why he put me answering the phone. He's ticked off about all the cats," SpaceMonkey said, "I hosted the Carnival of Cats last week and some got loose."
"Okay, if you say so," I responded. "That does put us in a situation, though."
"Hey, you still got that other computer set up? The one with the old 100 gig hard drive?" SpaceMonkey asked.
"Uh, yeah," I said, not sure where this was going.
"Well, you're first one with data. Why don't we have the others send the data to you? You store it until we can get back up and running." he said.
"Sure, whatever I can do," I said, and rang off.
So, I fired the old Gateway up and checked it out. Everything in order, Norton updated, XP up-to-date, all set to go.
Over the next couple of days, the rest of the data came in. Now, I was supposed to just gather the data and wait on them to get the network connections at Alliance headquarters fixed. But I couldn't resist.
Susie found strong evidence that Evil Glenn® had researched cat cloning. Hmmm. Cats again. File that way for later.
Ogre's information included a piece on recycling small mammals, including kittens. Felines again!
My data included evidence of research into human cloning. First cat cloning, then human cloning!
GEBIV had evidence of research into unusual contagions.
Then I ran across Beth's finding of Evil Glenn's® Amazon.com account showing he had purchased all the episodes of the old "Beauty and the Beast" TV show. She had more information, she indicated, but her computer went down.
Then it hit me. A cold chill ran up my spine. It all fit. And it was horrible.
Evil Glenn Reynolds® is trying to combine cat and human DNA! The government wants these beasts to replace soldiers in the field. But what the government doesn't realize is that the Evil One® is using this as a front for his real plan: He is creating his own army of cat-human hybrids, who he can use for his evil plans.
Once his research is finished, he will increase the size of his army. His plan is to transform others by spreading an airborne virus that infects cats, who then infect the humans, causing the mutation. And he's using the Internet to target cat-lovers with the Carnival of Cats!
The final piece is that he was trying to cover up the evidence by sending attack cats to disable the computers of those researching his plan.
But, now that we know about it, we can stop it. Beware Evil Glenn Reynolds®. And beware the cat!