"Good morning. Thank you for calling Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, and Clinton. How may I direct your call?"
Evil Glenn Reynolds said, "Wanda? It's Glenn. Let me talk with Nick."
Wanda smiled. "Yes, Mr. Reynolds. One moment."
The Dark Lord of the Blogosphere sang along while The Girl From Ipanema played into his earpiece.
"Tall and tan and young and lovely, The girl from Ipanema goes walking, And when she passes, each one she passes goes - Nick! Hi! It's Glenn."
The Lord of the Flies greeted his old friend. "Glenn, great to hear from you. How's the missus?"
"Oh, she's fine. Just fine. That book she wrote that she put my name on is selling well enough. Thanks for asking," Evil Glenn said.
Beelzebub got down to business. "So, what can I do for you?"
"Yeah, I got this little public relations problem, and I was hoping you could do for me what you have done for Wal-Mart."
"Oh, that? Nothing to it. We just got some bloggers to take up the fight. Right now, blogging is hot. Anyone can be a blogger. And whatever they blog about is hot. And believe me, we know hot," Beelzebub replied.
Evil Glenn chuckled. "Well, if that's all there was to it, I wouldn't need your help. After all, I'm the top blogger."
Beelzebub shot back, "Last time I checked, Michelle Malkin was on top. But your point is well taken. Tell you what, tell me what your concern is and I'll see what we can do."
Evil Glenn paused. "Well, there's the fact that I drink puppy smoothies."
"You do WHAT?!?" Beelzebub cried. "Poor little puppies? You put them in a blender and make puppy smoothies? That's terrible!"
Evil Glenn asked, "So, how do we spin that?"
After a pause, the reply came. "Well, it's not really any worse that what PETA does. But let's take it a step further. Let's say that you rescue puppies from the horrible conditions of the dog pound ..."
"But some I take from people's homes"
"... or rescue from enslavement ... and set them free."
Evil Glenn thought. "Yes, that's good. But putting them in blenders... some people have a problem with that."
Old Nick said, "And you promote recycling."
A smile crept across Evil Glenn's face. "That's good. I like it!"
The Dark Prince asked, "What else?"
"Well, I kill hobos."
"No, you are active in efforts to improve conditions downtown," Beelzebub corrected.
"Ah. I see," Evil Glenn said. "Okay, there's the fact that I'm a communist spy."
Beelzebub paused. "Let's say that you reject the hard-right agenda, and oppose the imperialist ambitions of the United States."
"Won't that make me a Democrat?" Evil Glenn said.
"Democrat, Communist. What's the difference? Both are the darlings of the mainstream media and that goes a long way in the PR world," Beelzebub told him.
"What about if video surfaces of me dancing the Robot?" Evil Glenn asked.
"You encourage a healthy exercise program as part of a daily lifestyle."
"And what about my worshiping Satan?"
Beelzebub paused. "That's a potential PR problem? Hmmm. Let's say that you oppose the Religious Right's radical agenda."
"Yeah, that 'love one another' and 'do unto others' really gets on my nerves," Evil Glenn said. "Hmph. Christians."
"Yeah. Anyway, anything else I can help with?" Beelzebub asked.
"Nope! That's great! That's all I need. You're a life saver," Evil Glenn said.
"Actually, that's the Other Guy. But I know what you mean," Beelzebub replied. "Oh, and one thing, if you would?"
"Yeah, next time you show up here in your pajamas ... button the fly."