I went to visit Basil and his wife the other day, and while i was there, I visited with Snuffie and the twins. Oh, and her children.
Snuffie's the mom to two of Basil's grandchildren. And they got pets.
While I was over at their place, the boy came in and told his mom "something is wrong with one of the lizards."
He and his sister have two lizards being held prisoner in thier room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he said. "I'm serious mom, can you help?"
Now, you need to understand that I'm a lot more older and wiser than my step-niece or whatever Snuffie is. So I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed the boy back into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. Since I was the man, I immediately knew what to do.
"Snuffie," I called, "come look at the lizard! She's having babies."
"What?" the little boy demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie! Mom come help!"
Snuffie came into the room. "They ain't no lizards having no babies, Red."
"Well, something's going on," I told her.
"You're so smart, Red. What do you think?" Snuffie said. Although thinking back now, she might have been a little bit sarcastic.
"When you got them lizards, you said you got two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" her little tyke agreed.
"Well, Red, what do you think we ought to do," she asked me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
Snuffie was silent for a moment. She seemed to be thinking something over.
Finally, she said, "Well, I think it's wonderful! You're going to deliver a litter of tiny little lizard babies." (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"See, thay's having babies," I told Snuffie.
"If you say so," she said, shaking her head. Women can be so stubborn, don't you think?
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
Then a thoght hit me. "And it's breech," I whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Red!" Snuffie's littel boy urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should we call 911," the little girl wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in this house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
I throwed everbody into the Dodge and we drove to the vet with the boy holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "May I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for the kids to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" I asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at Snuffie who was chuckling, then back at me. "Well, you know what I'm saying, sir."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... excited," I asked.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then that viscous, cruel Snuffie started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that this young woman would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... well, you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and the kids back into the Dodge. THey was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mr. Red," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," Snuffie said, collapsing with laughter.
When we got back to her house, the kids wanted to run tell Basil's wife what all happened. That's when I hear Snuffie telling her mom about it.
And she summed it up to her mother with this:
"2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of Red pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless!!"
Then she turned to me and said, "Hey Red, you know the moral of the story? Finish biology class. Lizards lay eggs!"
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