Thursday, April 21, 2005

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn and Baseball

Pete: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another day of Atlanta Braves baseball. This is Pete Van Wieren, along with Joe Simpson, coming to you from our nation's capital as the Braves take on the Washington Nationals. Joe, the Braves have gotten off to a slow start this season, and part of the problem has been the lack of support for John Smoltz."

Joe: "That's right, Pete. Smoltzy has pitched as well as could be expected following that opening day loss, but the Braves bats just haven't been there for him. He's 0-and-3, but should be 2-and-1. He's pitched that well. And... what?"

Pete: "Sorry, Joe, but I'm getting word that something of importance has been announced by Major League Baseball. If this is correct ... yes, we've a confirmation ... Major League Baseball has announced the resignation of Commissioner Allan H. 'Bud' Selig."

Joe: "Wow. That was unexpected."

Pete: "Yes, indeed. Usually we are able to get advance word on major events such as this. Nothing is kept secret for very long any more. But we didn't see this one coming."

Joe: "Any idea, Pete, if this is related to the steroids hearings that the Congress has been conducting?"

Pete: "We just don't know, Joe. We did get word this morning ... I was talking with Skip as we left the hotel ... and heard that the commissioner had secured the services of a law professor from Tennessee ... a Glenn Reynolds ... to advise him regarding the controversy. And now, this afternoon, we hear the commissioner has resigned. Quite frankly, I'm at a loss for words."

Joe: "Pete, Don Sutton who's broadcasting the game on TBS is on the line now. Don?"

Don: "Yeah, Joe, go ahead."

Joe: "Don, you just got word, too, of the story about Bud Selig's resignation?"

Don: "Yeah, Joe, that's right. Skip was telling me about the commissioner's new legal expert when we saw the news come across the wire. Skip's in contact with the crew back in Atlanta and we're hoping to get more information about this. We're about to come out of a commercial, and I just wanted to find out if you had anything more."

Pete: "Sorry, Don. It looks like this has caught us all by surprise. Thanks for checking in."

Don: "Thanks, buddy."

Pete: "Well, it looks like this story will play out over the course of the day. So stay tuned. We'll be right back with the starting lineup here on the Atlanta Braves radio network."

Pete: "Here's the starting lineup for today's game. Leading off and playing shortstop, Rafael Furcal. Batting second and playing second, Marcus Giles. Chipper Jones bats third and plays third. The catcher, Johnny Estrada hits clean-up. Brian Jordan in left field hits in the number five spot ..."

Joe: "Excuse the interruption, Pete. I'm getting word that the initial reports about Bud Selig were incomplete. Skip Carey over on TBS is on the line now. Skip?"

Skip: "Thanks, Joe. Well, it turns out that Bud Selig didn't exactly resign. The owners asked him to step down after he was found this morning in a hotel room here in Washington with the bodies of three homeless men hidden in the hotel room closet. Word also is that there was evidence that several puppies were taken from the Humane Society shelter and that they met an untimely end in the fomer commissioner's hotel room. This is really unpleasant, but there was evidence that the puppies had been placed in blenders and made into puppy smoothies. I'm sorry to have to relate that to you, but that's the word we're getting in an official release from Major League Baseball."

Pete: "If I'm seeing the same reports as you, Skip, there were also pentagrams found in the room?"

Skip: "Yes, Pete, that's right. Evidence of Satan-worshiping was indeed found in the hotel room. Also, a copy of "Das Kapital" was found, along with posters of Vladimir Lenin."

Pete: "Wow. It looks like former commissioner Selig lived a secret life that no one knew ... or at least told ... about."

Skip: "Yes, Pete, that's the way it looks from here. If we find out any more, we'll let you know."

Pete: "Okay, thanks Skip. And we'll pick up with the rest of the starting lineup in just a minute on the Atlanta Braves radio network."

Pete: "Braves are down to their last out. Washington leading 1-to-nothing. Giles is on third. He reached on a single. Chipper's at second. He had walked and made it to second base when Johnny Estrada singled. Here's the pitch to Mondesi, swung on, hit to Guzman at short. This should do it. HE THROWS IT AWAY! Giles in to score. Chipper's around third. He'll score. And the Braves are suddenly in the lead, 2-to-1. It looks like the muddy field made the play by Guzman more difficult and he just threw the ball away. Oh, that's got to hurt. Joe?"

Joe: "Pete, I'm sorry. I'm getting word from Skip that the owners, meeting in an emergency session, have voted unanimously to name Glenn Reynolds as the new Commissioner of Baseball. If I'm not mistaken ..."

Pete: "Is that the same Glenn Reynolds that was brought in to advise Commissioner Selig?"

Joe: "I believe so. Skip?"

Skip: "Thanks, Joe. Yeah, the, uh, advisor brought in to, uh, assist the commissioner in the next round of Congressional hearings is suddenly the new Commissioner of Baseball. Word is that Glenn Reynolds had spent the last few days preparing the commissioner for dealing with the Congress. When the commissioner's office had been unable to reach him, the hotel staff check both Selig's and Reynolds' rooms and that's when they found Bud Selig in a hotel room with dead hobos, puppies in a blender, Satanic ritual investments, and communist literature."

Pete: "You know, Skip, this has to be one of the most shocking days in all my years of broadcasting baseball."

Skip: "Yes, I've seen a lot in my time in the broadcast booth, but I've never had to convey such shocking and disturbing news as today's."

Pete: "Skip, I couldn't agree more."

Skip: "You know, Pete, I've made no secret that I was not a huge fan of Commissioner Selig, but I never suspected anything like what we've learned today."

Pete: "Thanks again, Skip. And while we covered this latest development, Atlanta set down Washington in the bottom of the ninth. Out number three signals the end of today's game. Atlanta wins, 2-to-1 over the Washington Nationals, to gain a split in this series. Well, the Bud Selig era has ended. And the Glenn Reynolds era has begun. We'll be back with more on the Atlanta Braves radio network."

1 comment:

  1. Kittens as Baseballs

    Evil Glenn, being a baseball fan and dog lover came up with a rule change that would kill two birds (or cats) with one stone. The Milwaukee Brewers also saw the idea as a way to deal with their state's own cat-hatred and volunteered to test out Evil ...


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