Monday, July 25, 2005

Attacking Roberts

Precision Guided Humor
July 19, 2005

Howard Dean clicked on the AOL icon on his computer screen.

"You've got mail!" came the voice of El Edwards.

"I've got mail! Yaaay!" cried the leader of the Democratic Party.

Howard Dean clicked on the the Read mail icon. Ah, it was from Karl Rove. What did HE want? He opened the e-mail and was surprised by what he read.

"Roberts? Roberts? Who in the world is Roberts?" muttered Howard Dean. "Oh, well. I'll find out this week. I better let the others know."

"Mr. President," said the Deputy Chief of Staff, "I've notified Dr. Dean of tonight's announcement."

"Good job, Karl," said the leader of the free world. "Did you set up the meeting like I asked?"

"Yes, Mr. President," Rove responded. "I told them this week."

"Heh-heh-heh. That ought to be interesting," replied George W. Bush.

July 25, 2005

Howard Dean, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Patrick Leahy, and Dianne Feinstein sat in the large room in the nation's capitol and planned how to oppose the John Roberts nomination.

Reid spoke up first. "Okay, we tried the 'son is a Nazi clone' story, but it went nowhere. Who's dumbass idea was that anyway?"

Nancy Pelosi spoke up. "I didn't hear any ideas coming out of your mouth. You're a United States Senator and couldn't even think of a silly lie. At least I offered an idea."

"And it was a good one," Dianne Feinstein said. "I don't know why it didn't work. When I told Barbara Boxer about it, you should have seen her face light up. It was a brilliant idea, the 'Nazi clone' story. I don't know why it didn't work."

Howard Dean spoke up. "Well, Harry's right. It didn't work. We need to try something else. This is an important battle and we need to win it."

"We will, Howard," said Patrick Leahy. "We just need a plan of attack."

Howard Dean's eyes lit up. "Attack." He laughed. "That's it! We'll send in the brute squad! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" he screamed and ran around the room.

The Senators and the House Minority leader looked at each other. "Brute squad?" they asked.

Howard Dean said, "Of course! We only use them when we have to. But this might be one of those times. I'll send them out immediately!"

The meeting had, for all practical purposes, ended.

July 26, 2005

The brute squad was outside the large, marble building, waiting for their prey. Suddenly, there was Roberts. But he wasn't alone. He had a large man on his left and a really large man on his right. Still, they had the numbers to win this battle.

A sound thrashing of Roberts would send a message that the Democrats weren't to be messed with. As the trio came into reach, the brute squad attacked.

Roberts cried, "Inigo! Fezzik! Defend yourselves!"

The battle began.

Fezzik picked up two brutes, held them at arm's length and smiled. "Now I hit you on the head, because you wish to make us dead." He banged their heads together and dropped their limp bodies on the ground.

He turned around and caught one brute in mid-air just before the brute landed on Inigo Montoya. The Spaniard smiled at the giant fighting at his side. "You saved my life. You are a true friend."

Fezzik responded, "If I had not done it, you would have met your end."

The Dread Pirate Roberts fended off four brutes with his sword and called to his friends. "Your clever repartee is most amusing, but I could use a little help over here."

Inigo Montoya drew his sword and quickly dispatched two of the brutes that were attacking his friend. The other two brutes met a quick end at Robert's sword.

The rest of the brute squad, who were waiting to execute the second wave of the attack looked at each other, threw their swords down, and ran away.

Roberts sheathed his sword. "What in the world was that all about?"

Fezzik responded, "When we get where we're going, maybe we'll find out."

The trio was ushered into the Oval Office. The President rose to greet them.

"Good to see you again, John. Fezzik. Inigo." said George W. Bush.

The trio took the offered seats. Karl Rove joined the group.

"Sorry I'm late, Mr. President," Rove said.

"It's okay, Karl," the President said. "I was just about to ask John about his morning."

"Funny you should ask, Mr. President," said the Dread Pirate Roberts. "We were accosted by a large group of men about a block away from here."

"Ah, they used the brute squad, did they?" asked Bush.

Karl Rove spoke up. "Brute squad? Inconceivable!"

"You remind me of someone," Inigo said.

"Well, fellas, it looks like the battle's begun. But you came through with flying colors," said George Bush. "The worst of the attacks are over. We'll be seeing the Democrats fall in line now. Oh, there'll still be some sniping, but you'll get through it. Be prepared to keep fighting. You'll be confirmed soon."

Roberts replied to the President, "As you wish."

1 comment:

  1. Roberts ? Highly Entertaining

    The blogosphere debate over the impending SCOTUS confirmation process for recently-nominated John Roberts and how it will play out is in full swing, with voices from the left and the right weighing in. Many on the left are concerned about Roberts not b...


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