Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Brief Toppling of Instapundit

A Filthy LieBits of light formed sparkling, dancing, shapeless images that interrupted the darkness. The Dark Lord of the Blogosphere began to assimilate all the images, all the sounds, all the smells that told him it was morning. As his mind focused on the fact it was day, he realized it was Monday, July 11. The first day of the workweek. And he had work to do.

As Evil Glenn Reynolds™ rose, he began forming the latest evil plan in the recesses of his mind. The pleasure he got from such activities was shattered when Kevin came running into his sleep chamber.

"Master! Master! Please don't beat me, Master, but the unthinkable has happened!" cried the form of Evil Glenn's™ favorite slave.

"You dare interrupt me! You shall rue the day you were born! Ooooh ... waffles! I want waffles," Evil Glenn™ said.

Kevin pressed the intercom. "Jay Tea! Waffles! Now!" he said. "Coming up, Master."

"What was that you were saying?" Evil Glenn™ asked.

"Forgive me, Master. But someone else has taken the top spot in the Ecosystem," said Kevin, afraid to meet his master's gaze.

"Impossible!" thundered Evil Glenn™, as he pressed a few keys on his keyboard. He grew suddenly quiet. Very quiet.

"Leave me," he told Kevin.

Kevin quietly left the chamber, not daring to look at the Dark Lord.

Evil Glenn™ walked over to the raised platform in the middle of the room. He knelt.

"Oh, my Master. How have I displeased you?" said Evil Glenn Reynolds™ to the shape that slowly coaleced on the platform.

"What do you mean, my child," said the large white form.

"I see it clearly, my Master. Something that calls itself Painless Self-Promotion has taken my spot atop the Ecosystem. How can that be? Have I displeased you in some way?" asked the humble Dark Lord.

"You are losing your focus, my child. You have a mission. And as long as you fulfill your mission, you shall remain atop the Ecosystem. When you stray from your mission, you risk all." The Master of the Dark Lord continued, "Today is just a warning to you. You are still a student. You may be master of many, but you are my pupil. Never forget that. And never forget your mission."

Evil Glenn™ was quiet for a moment, then softly, "I shall not fail you, my Master. I beg you watch me today and allow me to prove my worth."

The large white figure on the platform smiled. "You are a worthy disciple, and I have no fear that tomorrow, you will return to the top. Now go do your duty, my child." The figure faded.

Evil Glenn Reynolds™ set to work. Hobos would die. Puppies would become frozen drinks. Communism would be promoted. The Robot would drive people mad. And he had a new plan. He would copyright theSacred Word. It would be a good, productive day. Indeed.

The following morning, Evil Glenn™ rose early and quietly glided to his keyboard. He clicked on the Ecosystem page and saw himself at the top. He smiled. His master was pleased and had rewarded him.

Evil Glenn™ moved to the platform and bowed. The large white figure appeared and asked, "Yes, my child?"

"Thank you for restoring me, my Master," the Dark Lord whispered.

"You have a job to do, my child. As long as you perform your duties, you will be rewarded," said the Dark Lord's master. "Everyone has a job and a function. And I reward them accordingly. You have learned your lesson well."

"Thank you, my Master," said Evil Glenn™.

"I'm proud of you, my child," said the form of NZ Bear as he faded from view.


  1. Good one!

    I love the twist at the end.

    So... Evil Glenn is himself servant to another? (The same one whom we ALL must serve!)

    Heh! Ind**d!

  2. hmmm... that's interesting....

    and, as always, genius.

    now we know who the dark lord is...

    anyone for a blogwar that will shake the foundations of the blogosphere as we know it?

    just an idea...heh!

  3. Filthy Lie Roundup: The Rise And Fall of Painless Self Promotion.

    On Monday, July 11th, the unfathomable happened. Instupundit fell from being number one in the TTLB Ecosystem. But it was only a brief toppling. The next day, the world was back to normal, and the upstart site was nowhere to


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