Sunday, July 17, 2005

Terrorist Spotting

The wife & I are taking a few days break, and the blog is in better hands than normal, with phin, Beth, TJ, moehawk, and perhaps another old friend running things for a few days. But some stuff has been on my mind that I wanted to leave for you for Monday. Plus, being the egomaniac I am, I am interrupting the break long enough to get the writing credits on this post, since it is this little blog's 1,000th post:

Precision Guided HumorThere has been a lot in the news recently about terrorists. The London bombings, along with recent news that one of those involved was in North Carolina recently, has given every American extra incentive to help spot terrorists. But you need to know how to spot a terrorist.

How To Spot A Terrorist

If you see someone acting suspicious, yell out "Hey Mr. Terrorist!" If they respond, it's a terrorist.

When someone riding a camel approaches you and asks you directions to the Federal Building, ask them if they've seen any terrorists. If they have, be sure to tell the police.

If you work in a hardware store and someone buys five tons of fertilizer and asks where he can get his hands on some diesel fuel, don't worry. It's not a terrorist. It's a crazy Nazi. They are sometimes called "domestic terrorists" and are as bad as "regular" terrorists you see on the news, but outside the scope of this discussion. But it is okay to whip their ass.

When approached by a couple, and one is wearing a shirt that says "Member, Al-Qaeda Athletic Department, XXL," it's a terrorist. Hold them for the police.

If you see someone wearing a horizontal striped shirt and a beret and riding a bicycle, it's a Frenchman. They're not terrorists, just terrorist sympathizers. Beat them. Beat them hard. That way, terrorists will be able to sympathize for them.

If you see someone that doesn't look exactly like you do, it might be a terrorist. For example, if you have blue eyes and blond hair, and you see someone who doesn't, such as having brown hair and green eyes, they might be a terrorist and you should report them to the police.

If you have red hair, and you speak with an Irish brogue, and you blew up a bank in Belfast, you might be the terrorist. Go have yourself arrested.

When you're at the red light, and a car with all its windows down and the radio blasting something by Eminem pulls up next to you and they look over at you and snarl, it might be a terrorist. Roll your windows down and ask them if they are a terrorist. You'll get an honest response, to be sure.

If someone is introduced to you as a Senator from Massachusetts, don't fear. It's not a terrorist, only a terrorist sympathizer. If you have a dog, sic it on him. If you don't have a dog, go buy a pit bull, then sic it him.

If you see someone that still has a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on their car, they are probably not a terrorist. They are just a dumbass. A loser dumbass.

If you see someone walking around taking pictures of national monuments and speaking in a foreign language and stepping in front of you all the time and laughing at the most inopportune times, they might be terrorists. Or a tourist. Either way, kick their asses just to be sure.

If you see someone on TV who keeps saying things like Republicans want to kill them and that Bush=Hitler and that the war is for oil, you might think they are terrorists. But you'd be wrong. They are escaped inmates from an insane asylum. They should be rounded up, placed in straight-jackets, and put in small, padded, locked cells. Then somebody should lose the keys.

If you accept a job application from a suspicious-looking person, don't forget to check his resumé. If any of the previous jobs list "terrorist" or if his education experience lists "Jihad High School," he might be a terrorist.

These are just some of the ways you can help contribute to the War on Terror by spotting terrorists. Remember, if the terrorists win, you'll never know because they will have cut your head off. Even if you think Bush=Hitler and still have a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on your car.


  1. ... a touch of ego is good for you, and congrats. /TJ

  2. PLUS - now I am not so rushed to get a post up here ... /TJ

  3. Founder of Cheap Canadian Beers

    Monday edition of NIF

  4. Quick Link and Thoughts

    ** There was a gubernatorial debate last night. They (the newspapers (including the liberal WaPo editorial board), independent pundits and columnists) declare it a Kilgore victory. My favorite quote from Kilgore, regarding Kaine's flipflopping: "I?m pr...

  5. I had actually written this Saturday before we left and had it scheduled to appear Tuesday. Then, late Sunday night, I got online briefly and saw that 999 posts had appeared. So I moved it up a day, wrote a new intro, and satisfied my tiny little mind. It doesn't take much.

  6. Top 10 Signs Your Co-worker Is a Terrorist

    10. Emails a fatwa on the jammed 3rd floor printer

  7. "If you have red hair, and you speak with an Irish brogue, and you blew up a bank in Belfast, you might be the terrorist. Go have yourself arrested."



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