Thursday, June 22, 2006

Evil Glenn Needs Money!

A Filthy LieEvil Glenn® sat in his car, waiting for "Chuck" to show himself. "How did this happen?" he thought.

He remembered the first time he had blended a puppy. He did it out of spite. But he loved the taste. And found it made him feel great. So he drank puppy smoothies whenever he wanted.

And that's how it began.

The problem was, he wanted puppy smoothies all the time. In the morning. In the afternoon. In the evening. In the middle of the night. All the time.

"Mmmmm .... puppies," thought Evil Glenn™.

Then, suddenly, there was "Chuck." The dealer looked to the left. Then to the right. Then gave the high sign and Evil Glenn™ opened his door.

He looked both ways, and ran across the street against the light. He stopped about five feet away from "Chuck" when the dealer held up his palm.

"You got the cash?" "Chuck" asked.

"Most of it," Evil Glenn™ answered.

"What do you mean, 'most of it?'" snarled "Chuck."

"Look, guy, you've upped the price each time we've met for over a month now," Evil Glenn™ protested.

"The cost of doing business," said "Chuck." "You know that since you've started with the Shar-pei, you've put a dent in the population."

Evil Glenn™ smiled at the thought of tasting another Shar-pei smoothie. "They're delicious. I got to have one now," he said.

"Look, dude, they were almost wiped out 30 years ago, before the population grew back. Now, they're becoming rarer and rarer. On account of your habit," said "Chuck."

"Man, I don't want to hear no preachin'," Evil Glenn™ snapped. "Just give me the dog."

"Chuck" looked at the pitiful sight before him, drew a deep breath, stepped over to a white van, opened the door, and produced a small Shar-pei. He held out his hand.

Evil Glenn™ handed an envelope to "Chuck." The dealer opened the envelope and counted the cash.

"Hold on, pundit-boy. This is only $6,000.00 here. You owe me $8,000.00, hot-shot."

Stuttering, Evil Glenn™ said, "I'll get you ... I'll get it ... you'll get your money. Next week. I promise."

"Chuck" pocketed the cash, then put the puppy back in the van. "When you get me the rest of the money, you'll get the puppy. And the price just went up. To $9,000.00."

"NO!" cried Evil Glenn™. "You can't do that!"

"Oh, yes I can," laughed "Chuck." His smile quickly left. "You get me the money by noon tomorrow. Right here. Or it goes up more. Now, run along."

Holding back tears, Evil Glenn™ slowly backed away, stopping at the crosswalk.

"Chuck" hopped in his van and drove away. Evil Glenn™ started shaking, slightly at first, then violently, finally falling to the sidewalk.

In a few minutes, it had passed. He stood up, dusted himself off, and started forming a plan. Maybe, just maybe, he could start charging for the podcasts. A dollar maybe?

If he could get a dollar for each download, he'd have enough to buy a Shar-pei a day for the rest of his life. Yes, that would do just fine.

Across town, "Chuck" made a right turn and headed toward the Interstate. He had an idea. Perhaps he could talk Glenn into charging for downloads. If Glenn got a dollar for each download, he'd be able to buy a Shar-pei a day for the rest of the summer, counting the planned price increases.

A single Shar-pei customer was worth more than a whole block of crackheads, he thought. Life is good.

1 comment:

  1. Filthy Lie Round-up - Evil Glenn's Millions...

    Why does Evil Glenn need $10 million? The Alliance has the answers: Alabama Improper says that it's because women have needs. Steve the Pirate offers a whole host of possibilities. Basil's Blog is quite sure that it's because Glenn never...


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