Thursday, June 30, 2005

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Independence Day

Friday, July 1 - Columbus, Georgia

The phone rang and I reached for the remote and hit the mute button. "Hello?"

"Basil?" came the voice.

"Yes," I replied.

"This is Ramona at Kelly Services. How are you doing?" came the response.

"Hey, Ramona! We're doing just fine. How about you?" I asked.

"Oh, it's been busy. But that's a good thing. Thanks. Oh, I wanted to ask if you were available Monday?" Ramona said.

"Monday ..." I said. "That's the fourth?"

"Yes, we have a last minute call and everyone's got plans for the Fourth of July. I hate to ask, but do you have plans?" Ramona truly hated to ask.

"Actually, we didn't have any major plans for that day. What do you need me to do?" I asked.

Ramona paused. "Ah, it's a big job. And there's travel involved. The Knoxville and Washington, DC offices are coordinating this. They haven't been able to fill this one and they've been calling all the Kelly offices. I was hoping you would be able to help us out."

I thought for a second, then agreed to do the job.

Ramona then gave me the rest of the details. "You are to meet with Glenn Reynolds at the University of Tennessee, and help him with a job for the Fourth of July. I think the building he's in is, uh, let me check..."

"Actually, I've been there. I know where you're talking about," I said.

"Oh, wonderful. Great! Well I certainly appreciate it. I've got you down for the Reynolds job on the fourth. This one pays well. We appreciate it. Any questions?" she asked.

"Nope. I'll be there. And I appreciate your thinking of me," I said as I rung off.

Monday, July 4 - Knoxville, Tennessee

It was well after midnight when I arrived. My decision to stay for the baseball game and watch the fireworks was catching up with me. I got only a couple of hours sleep before getting up and heading to the campus of the college.

I parked and went into the building, making my way to the inner sanctum of the Most Evil Person on Earth. The demon at the desk looked up at me. "May I help you, sir?" it hissed.

"Kelly Services sent me to see Professor Reynolds," I said.

The demon looked at me warily, as if trying to place a name with my face. "One moment." He (?) punched a few buttons on the phone and spoke softly into the receiver, then waited. A few more inaudible words, then he hung up.

"Go right in," came the ghoulish voice.

I approached the doors and they slowly creaked open.

"Come in, come in," came the voice.

I stepped inside.

"You!" hissed Evil Glenn Reynolds ™.

"Kelly Services sent me," I said.

He paused. "Oh, okay then. Well, sit down," he said.

I sat down. "Well, what's the job?"

"You are to steal the Declaration of Independence for me," he said.

"What?" I said.

"You are to steal the Declaration of Independence. I want it," he repeated.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, it's all well and good drinking smoothies made from puppies, murdering hobos, worshiping Satan, promoting Communism, and punching weaklings. Those are fun and fulfilling and all. But I'm missing something. And stealing the Declaration of Independence will fill the bill, I think" he explained.

"So you expect me to walk into the National Archives and steal the Declaration of Independence?" I asked.

"Sure. It's been done before. Nicolas Cage did it last year. But I read an article in the paper about it last week, so I know that it's back in its case. And now I want it," Evil Glenn said. "With that document in my possession, I'll have an Independence Day like no other."

Kevin walked in just then. "What's up boss?"

Evil Glenn ™ looked at Kevin, smiling. "I'm going to have the best Independence Day ever!" he said.

Kevin got all excited. "Can I help?"

"Sure. You go with Basil here and help him. He's going to bring me my Independence Day!" he laughed.

"Oh, goody!" said Kevin, jumping up and down.

"Go get me my Independence Day," Evil Glenn Reynolds ™ ordered. "Kevin, you're in charge!"

With that, we left.

Now I was in a real quandary. How could I not let Ramona down and still not participate in the theft of the century? I looked at Kevin and began thinking.

Monday, July 4 - Alexandria, Virginia

We parked at Huntington Station and walked down the steps to the Metro train. I walked over to the desk and purchased two day-passes, and handed one to Kevin. We then boarded the train.

In a few minutes, it headed north. Kevin sat beside me looking at the map. After several stops, we arrived at L'Enfant Plaza, one stop short of the Archives.

I spoke up. "Hey, let's get off here and visit the Air and Space Museum," I said.

"What's that?" Kevin asked.

"They got a moon rock, the Spirit of St. Louis, Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo capsules, the Wright Brothers flier, space suits ..." I trailed off as I saw Kevin's eyes glaze over. I thought for a second.

"They have Able. You know, the monkey that went into space?" I offered.

"Oooh! A space monkey!" Kevin shouted.

The family sitting across from us stood up and moved further down the car.

"Yes, a space monkey. Want to see it?" I asked. I thought I could delay going to the Archives and buy enough time to figure a way out of this mess.

Monday, July 4 - Washington, DC

Kevin and I got off the train and made our way up the stairs. As the sunlight hit, we paused for a second, squinted, then continued down the sidewalk, crossing the street, and walking into the Air and Space museum.

Kevin had a blast. He kept asking to see the monkey, but I worked our way there slowly, looking at the World War II craft, John Glenn's capsule, the Lunar Module mock-up, the U-2 spy plane, the V-2 rocket ... he was having a great time. Then, the Able-Baker exhibit. Kevin stood there for hours.

As the museum was closing, I finally pulled him away and we headed across The Mall towards the National Archives building.

When we arrived, it was closed. But Kevin didn't notice. He was talking about the monkey.

We headed towards the Navy Memorial and entered the Metro line. Boarding the Yellow train, we headed back to Huntington Station.

Monday, July 4 - Alexandria, Virginia

We arrived at Huntington Station and walked back to the car. Kevin went on and on about the monkey. I started the car and worked my way to Richmond Highway.

Ah, there it was. I parked and we walked into the Wal-Mart. Kevin continued talking about the monkey.

As I worked our way to the electronics section, I interrupted. "Hey, what was the last thing Evil Glenn ™ said before we left?"

"He said I was in charge!" Kevin said.

"Before that."

"He said to bring him his Independence Day and he laughed," answered Kevin.

"Riiiiightttt. Ah, here we go," I said.

Monday, July 4 - Knoxville, Tennessee

When we arrived at Evil Glenn's ™ office, he was gone. Kevin let himself in and picked up the phone.

"We got it, Boss!" he yelled into the phone. "Yes, right here. Yes! Yes! Right here!"

He smiled at me and hung up the phone.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Yes, give me your time card," he said.

I handed Kevin the card and he signed it.

"The boss is going to be so happy," he said.

I left.

Tuesday, July 5 - Knoxville, Tennessee

Evil Glenn Reynolds ™ walked into his office and saw Kevin asleep on the couch.

"Wake up!" cried Evil Glenn ™. "Where is it?"

"Right here, Boss," said Kevin, handing Evil Glenn the Wal-Mart bag of DVDs and CDs.

Evil Glenn ™ howled in pain.

Tuesday, July 5 - Columbus, Georgia

I turned in my time card at Kelly Services.


  1. baby basil...we'll just put this simply--have you lost it?

  2. The Mean Sister (who is 5'6")July 1, 2005 at 3:44 AM

    Loved the assignment. I was afraid for a second that they were going to get you for plagarism.

  3. ROTFLMAO! Between you and Sally, I am always looking for Evil Glenn stories. You both have me hooked!

  4. People give the declaration and constitution a lot of credit. Think of the Louisianna purchase. I had a talk with someone the other day about it and if I was to steal a document, that would be it. You'd gain ownership over a very large chunk of the country......Think about that for your next story.....

  5. Good point.

    Oh, and you do know that I'll figure out who you are before the season ends, don't you?

  6. Filthy Lie Roundup: Evil Glenn's Independence Day

    Like Harvey said below, Typepad did some sort of maintenance last night, so I couldn't get the roundup posted. And since I knew that I couldn't post it, I went to bed and didn't even think about it until this

  7. Hmmmm.... Louisiana Purchase...

    Nah. I'm grabbing the docs for Seward's Folly.

    mmmm... oil money...

  8. Plus, I hear the moose and caribou are really cute!


Please choose a Profile in "Comment as" or sign your name to Anonymous comments. Comment policy