Sunday, June 19, 2005

PGH: New Home for Captured Terrorists

Precision Guided HumorGeorge W. Bush looked across the table. Dick Cheney tapped his fingers and looked over at Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld looked through the folder that was open before him.

"Mr. President," Rumsfeld said, "if we go through with their demands, we'll be on the defensive from this point forward."

The President said, "Look, Dan..."

"That's Don, sir," said the Secretary of Defense.

"Right. Dan. Gotcha. Anyway, we don't have to give in to what Durbin and those clowns say," the President said. "But it's always good to have a backup plan for everything. And Gitmo is no exception."

Rumsfeld pondered for a minute. "Mr. President, it's going to be difficult finding a place that's under U.S. control yet is in a backward area where we can do as we wish with prisoners."

"Let's get that Jack Bauer fellow on the phone. He's knows how to deal with terrorists and can sure get information from prisoners. We need more like him," said the President.

"Uh, Mr. President, you do know that Jack Bauer ..." Rumsfeld began.

Cheney reached over and tapped Rumsfeld on the arm. He shook his head quickly. Rumsfeld remained quiet.

"Get him on the phone, Dan!" the President ordered.

Rumsfeld picked up the phone and looked at Cheney. Cheney shrugged his shoulders. Rumsfeld started dialing numbers at random.

The phone rang and I hit mute on the remote. I grabbed the cordless
and looked at the screen, but didn't recognize the number. Oh well,
this ought to be fun, I thought.


"Let me speak to Bauer, please," came the voice on the other end.

"This is basil," I said.

"Can I please speak to Jack Bauer," the voice said.

Yep. This was intersting indeed.

"Uhhhh ... speaking," I said.

There was a noticable pause. Then, "Hold for the President."

This was getting better all the time.

"Agent Bauer?" came a different voice.

"Yes sir," I said.

"We need your help, Jack" came the voice.

The voice told me about needing a replacement for Gitmo. That was
priceless! So, I figured I'd go along with a gag, and started talking.
And didn't stop for a full ten minutes.

Afterwards, the voice thanked me and rang off. I hit the mute button
and caught the last few minutes of a "Law & Order" rerun.

"I knew that Jack Bauer would have the answer," said President Bush.

Cheney and Rumsfeld looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

Cheney asked, "What's the plan, Mr. President?"

Welcome to Waycross"Agent Bauer knows of this place in south Georgia. He says it's not a communist island, but it's a backward area nonetheless," said the President. "It's on the north end of a swamp called Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"That's the Okefenokee, sir," Cheney offered.

"That's what I said. You need to do a better job of listening, Dick," said the President. "Anyway, they got that swamp, and it's where Miller's Cave is."

"Miller's Cave?" asked the Secretary of Defense.

"Yeah, my mama used to sing that to me when I was little," offered the President. "Yep, it's perfect. And there's a guy there that knows his way around. He'd be a great warden. It's in the middle of nowhere, them nosy Amnesty International folks and folks like Dick Durbin and Ted Kennedy won't get near the place. Let them try showing up in south Georgia and start running their mouths. They'll wind up missing. Ha! I love it!"

Cheney and Rumsfeld looked at each other. Rumsfeld spoke, "Sounds like a winner, sir."

"Yep. Now, don't get me wrong. We're keeping the camp at Guantanamo Bay open. But, like any good plan, we have a backup plan." The President paused. "Now, what do we do about those Republican Senators that are backing off the Social Security plan?"

Rumsfeld reached for the phone. "Let me get Agent Bauer back on the phone," he said as he hit "redial."


  1. Agent basil, you have outdone yourself yet again!

  2. Now that's just too good! Thanks for the Monday morning laugh!

  3. Dancing With The Detainees

    Zee-TV's "Dancing with the Detainees" will team up former blood-thirsty terrorists with professional dance partners.

  4. Assignment: Where Should The Detainees Go?

    The Alliance of Free Blogs has an assignment for its members this week: What would we do with the terrorist detainees if Dick Durbin got his wish and we shut down Gitmo? I've got some suggestions, but let's hear yours.

    Here's my list:

    1. Start ...

  5. To get our coalition partners involved. We should invite India's Jack Bauer (Varun Avasthi)

  6. Precision Guided Humor Roundup: New homes for wayward terrorists

    Waaaaaaah! The detainees are uncomfortable! It's too hot! It's too cold! Their perrier isn't properly chilled! Oh look, the call of the terrorist-loving Liberal! Sometimes confused with the spineless-RINO mating call. And it all sums up to them trying to

  7. At least the gators will be well fed :-)

  8. The Man:
    Yeah, what a ripoff. I think folks at '24' should sue anyone who uses the plot or characters for their own benefit .... uh .... mmmmm .... ah .... yeah.

    HA! It would be great if alligators were not an endangered species and terrorists were!


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