Thursday, August 4, 2005

Evil Glenn at NASA

A Filthy LieEvil Glenn Reynolds® looked at the images on his television monitor. He smiled. His evil plan had worked. The shuttle had another scare from the foam on the fuel tank, just as he had planned. And, it seemed no real damage was done to Discovery. Just as well, he thought. The effect he wanted, the grounding of the shuttle fleet, had happened.

This meant shake-up. Heads would roll. It wasn't necessary for anyone to die for his goal to be achieved, but it would have been fine if someone did. The goal was all that mattered.

Lawsuits would start soon. NASA would blame the makers of the freon substitute. Engineers who lost their jobs due to the grounding would sue ... somebody. Everybody sued somebody these days. And that was fine. It meant his plan would succeed.

"Professor Reynolds?" came the voice over the intercom. "NASA on line two."

This was sooner than he expected. He hoped this wouldn't adversely affect his plan. But there was no reason to worry, he soon found out.

The call was what he expected. NASA was worried about lawsuits, and Evil Glenn's® reputation was known among geeks. And NASA is the fifth largest collection of geeks in the world, surpassed only by (in no particular order) Star Trek conventions, It'sAPundit author meetings, IMAO recording sessions, and the Microsoft Corporation's Firefox User Group. And geeks know Evil Glenn.

When the call ended, he was scheduled to head NASA's Executive Board and present a plan to the President on how to save NASA. And, boy, would the President be surprised!

President George W. Bush looked at the proposal on the table in front of him.

"You fellas really think this is a good idea?" asked the President.

"Yes, sir, Mr. President," Evil Glenn® replied. "You know the Democrats will criticize you no matter what, so leave them out of the factor. Your doing this will shock and surprise many, but will inject a vote of confidence into the space program in a manner that nothing else could. That cannot be denied."

"But is it safe?" asked Bush.

"No, sir, it's not. But neither was flying into Baghdad to eat turkey dinner. And there's no chance anyone will be shooting at you on this trip," answered Evil Glenn®.

"Okay, fellas. Let's make it happen," replied Bush. "Now, the question is 'when?'"

"In seven days, Mr. President," came the reply.

Seven days later, the President of the United States left the Earth on his way to the moon. In another three days, he found himself readying himself for landing, along with his friend, Dick Cheney.

As the lunar lander approached the surface, Mission Control, from their new headquarters in Knoxville, Tennessee, tracked the descent to the surface of the Moon.

102:45:25 Cheney: 4 forward. 4 forward. Drifting to the right a little. 20 feet, down a half.
102:45:31 Knoxville: 30 seconds.
102:45:32 Cheney: Drifting forward just a little bit; that's good.
102:45:40 Cheney: Contact Light.
102:45:43 Bush: Shutdown
102:45:44 Cheney: Okay. Engine Stop.
102:45:45 Cheney: ACA out of Detent.
102:45:46 Bush: Out of Detent. Auto.
102:45:47 Cheney: Mode Control, both Auto. Descent Engine Command Override, Off. Engine Arm, Off. 413 is in.
102:45:57 Knoxville: We copy you down, Armadillo.
102:45:58 Bush: Engine arm is off.

Bush: Knoxville, Tranquility Base here. The Armadillo has landed.

Knoxville: Roger, Tranquility. We copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot.

Cheney: Thank you.

Knoxville: You're looking good here.

The astronauts prepared for their walk several hours later as the world watch, transfixed that the President of the United States would undertake such a thing as traveling to the Moon.

CAPCOM: Roger, we copy.

Bush: I'm at the foot of the ladder. The LEM foot pads are only depressed in the surface about one or two inches though the surface appears to be very, very fine grained as you get close to it. Like powder.

Bush: Okay I'm going to step off the LEM now.

Bush: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for all Americans.

Bush: The surface is fine and powdery, just like Donald Rumsfeld. I can kick it up loosely with my toe, just like Donald Rumsfeld. It adheres in fine layers like powdered charcoal to the sole and the sides of my boots. I can see footprints, prints from the tread in the fine sandy particles.

CAPCOM: Mr. President,  this is Knoxville, we are copying.

Bush: There seems to be no difficulty in

Cheney: Oh that looks, beautiful, George..

It was later that the Commander In Chief found the damage to the lunar lander. The protective covering of the fuel tank on the ascent stage was damaged, and they were stranded on the Moon.

As Dennis Hastert was sworn in as President of the United States, he looked at the members of Congress standing and applauding. He wasn't thrilled with the idea of assuming these duties, but his country needed him.

President Hastert waited for the applause to die before he began his speech. It was short and to the point. He's stay the course set by his predecessor, and he asked for support.

He concluded with his nominee for Vice President, Professor Glenn Reynolds.

The next day, before the daily briefing began, the Vice President knocked on the door to the Oval Office.

"Come in, Glenn," said Hastert.

Evil Glenn Reynolds® did so, and sat down at the President's signal.

Hastert asked, "What's on your mind, Glenn?"

"You have some big shoes to fill, Mr. President," said Evil Glenn®.

"Yes, I know."

"Well, let me tell you my idea. This will get the world's attention and show them that you are indeed a supporter of George W. Bush's policies," said Evil Glenn®.

"What's the plan?" asked the President.

Evil Glenn Reynolds®, now next in line for the presidency, paused for a moment, then said, "Deliver a speech from the International Space Station ..."

1 comment:

  1. TGIF Friday

    1. Feed ?em cake then.

    2. Chuck?s wife updates us further about lollipops and fingers?

    3. Basil is telling stories on Glenn again here.

    4. Potty mouth gets suspended here.


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