Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Baptists and the Haitian orphans

Ten Baptists from Idaho are being held in Haiti after attempting to leave the earthquake-devastated country with 33 Haitian orphans.

This is shocking. Who knew there were Baptists in Idaho? And not just Baptists, but Southern Baptists. Have these people never seen a map? Idaho isn't southern anything. Except maybe southern Canada.

But there is a secondary aspect to this story: Baptists are being accused of child-smuggling.

Unless you're a Baptist, this might come as a shock. But it's not a shock to me. You see, I'm a Baptist. And not just a Baptist, I'm a Southern Baptist. So, you can depend on my telling you the truth about this issue.

Baptists are known for many things, mostly for what they don't do:
  • Baptists don't drink.
  • Baptists don't dance.
  • Baptists don't have fun.
At least, that's the impression most people have about Baptists.

The other thing that people know about Baptists is that we've had three Baptist presidents: Harry Truman, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton.

Most people don't remember Harry Truman, but neither Carter nor Clinton could be used for recruiting purposes.

But, Baptists are huge proponents of fund-raising.

Baptists are always raising money for some building project. Whether it's adding a new fellowship hall, renovating the sanctuary, or building a new church far away from all the undesirables that live the next street over from the current building, hardly a week goes by that a Baptist church isn't having some fund-raising event.

Southern Baptists have three big fund-raisers during the year: The Lottie Moon Christmas Offering (for International Missions), the Annie Armstrong Easter Offering (for North American Missions), and the Black Orphan Auction (for funding Right-Wing Extremist Missions).

As a Baptist, I'm asking you to support the missionaries from Idaho who are simply trying to good work. If not God's work, at least, Rush Limbaugh's.

Idaho has an extreme shortage of Black orphans. Have you ever seen a Black person in Idaho? No Black person would willingly go to Idaho. You can hardly convince a White person to go there. Well, if the choices were Idaho or Montana, then Idaho might be the choice, but otherwise, you won't find a single person of color. It's the Whitest state west of Delaware.

That's why the Baptist churches in Idaho need these Haitian orphans. Without the Black Orphan Auction, they won't be able to fund Right-Wing Extremist Missions. And if that happens, Air American will return to the airwaves.

You have been warned.


  1. Oh Basil...man...I am perplexed as to how to comment.

    I think I was born in the church nursery at a Southern Baptist Church (Waller Baptist, Bossier City, LA). I was born again at The Crusade of The Americas in Shreveport, LA 1969 (a Southern Baptist project).

    Oh man...that is good stuff. I see comment moderation has been enabled, so you can hex this if you wanna, and it won't hurt my feelings.

    But Dude, linking Annie Armstrong, Lottie Moon, and the Black Orphan Auction (which was always my favorite drive) has truly got me rolling around in stitches...

    HI! LARRY! US!


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