Gettin' ready for Christmas, its' that time of year when you make your regular trip to church. 'Round here, they got Baptist, Methodist, Pentacostal, Whiskeypalian, and the such. But some of the most interesting and fun ones are those that call themselves Orthodox. It don't matter if you're talking Jewish Orthodox or Greek Orthodox, they are all fun. But since the Jewish Orthodox aint' too keen on Christmas for some reason, me and that woman I'm living with decided to go to a service at one of them Orthodox churches.
And, naturally, before we go to church, we got to get all cleaned up. Which brings me to what I want to talk about today:
The different ways men and women get cleaned up.
How To Shower Like a Woman
- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
- If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
- Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
- Spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.
- Dry with towel the size of a small country.
- Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.
- If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
- Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
- Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
- Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
- Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.
- Dry off forearms and butt only.
- Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.
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