Thursday, December 15, 2005

How Evil Glenn™ Stole Christmas

A Filthy LieEvery Blogger
Down in Blog-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Evil Glenn™,
Who lived in Pajama-ville,
Did NOT!

Evil Glenn™ hated Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his deadlines were to tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his pajamas were two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason,
His deadlines or pajamas,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Bloggers,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Evil frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Blogger in Blog-ville, or most
Were busy now, writing a Christmas-y post.

"And they're posting sweet bloggings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his evil fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Blog girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the joy! Oh, the joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!
That's one thing he hated! The JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY!

Then the Bloggers, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
They would start on Blog-pudding, and rare Blog-roast-beast
Which was something Evil Glenn™ couldn't stand in the least!

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Blogger in Blog-ville, the tall and the small,
Would log on together, with Christmas thoughts jogging
Their memories of happy times, the Bloggers would start blogging!

They'd write! And they'd smile!
And the more Evil Glenn™ thought of the Blog-Christmas-Happy
The more Evil Glenn™ thought, "I must make them feel crappy!
"Why for forty-five years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn™ Laughed in his throat.
And he picked up a gun, hat and coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick I'll play!
"With this gun, coat and hat, I'll look just like Frank J.!"

"All I need is a flunky..."
Evil Glenn™ looked around.
But since flunkies are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Evil Glenn™...?
No! Evil Glenn™ simply said,
"If I can't find a flunky, I'll make one instead!"
So he called this guy Phil. Then he took silver thread
And on Phil's suit put a helmet on top of his head.

He loaded some bags
And some money that's funky
On a ramshakle sleigh
And he hitched up Space Monkey.

Then Evil Glenn™ said, "Giddyap!"
And the ship started down
Toward the homes where the Bloggers
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Bloggers were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Evil Glenn™ hissed
And he went to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he burst through the door, he knew it a sin.
But if Frank J. could do it, then so could Evil Glenn™.
He got shot only once, paused a moment or two.
Then he fired back and made his way to the flue
Where the little Blog stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uneasy,
Around the whole room, and he took every PC!
Gateways! And Apples! HPs! And Palms!
IBMs! Dell laptops! He stole without qualms!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Evil Glenn™, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Bloggers' feast!
He took the Blog-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, Evil Glenn™ even took their last can of Blog-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Evil Glenn™, "I will take the PC!"

And Evil Glenn™ grabbed the PC, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Blogger!
Little Sadie-Lou, whose blog was not more than two.

Evil Glenn™ had been caught by this little Blog daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Evil Glenn™ and said, "Frank J., why,
"Why are you taking our computers? WHY?"

But, you know, that Evil Glenn™ was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Frank J. lied,
"The hard drive on this PC that won't write on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when blogger Sadie-Lou went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the PC up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their desks he left nothing but cables, and wire.

And the one piece of hardware
The he left in the house
Was a pad that was even too small for a mouse.

He did the same thing
To the other Bloggers' houses

Leaving pads
Much too small
For the other Bloggers' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Bloggers, still a-bed
All the Bloggers, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their printers! The toner! The ink!
The scanners! And monitors! The cameras! The fink!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Rocky Top,
He rode to the tiptop to drop the whole lot!
"Pooh-pooh to the Bloggers!" he was evilly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Bloggers down in Blog-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Evil Glenn™,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Evil Glenn™ put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Blog-ville!
Evil Glenn™ popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Blogger in Blog-ville, the tall and the small,
Was blogging! Without computers at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Evil Glenn™, with his Glenn™-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
They blog without PCs! They write anyway?
"Conservatives? And Liberals? The straights and the gays!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Evil Glenn™ thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Blogging," he thought, "doesn't mean a link-whore.
"Maybe Blogging...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...? Blog-ville they say
That Evil Glenn's™ small heart
Shrank three sizes that day!
He let out a yell! He would halt all the happy!
He'd make them feel sad. No, he'd make them feel crappy!

"Let them write," he thought smugly. "My brain I'll not wrack."
"Michelle Malkin, the closest threat's under contract!"
And he smiled, then realized with all that he'd got
That evening was reason to dance the robot.

A puppy was soon to be stuffed in his blender.
A hobo he'd murder that night on his bender.
He'd praise the Dark Lord. He'd speak well of Karl Marx.
Let the bloggers keep blogging. He'd withstand their snarks.

Let others by Christmas turn hard hearts to soft.
He sat atop the blogosphere high in his loft.
He ruled the 'sphere harshly. He'd have the last say.
He'd withstand the Alliance Filthly Lies one more day.

But Harvey knew that soon, despite Evil Glenn's™ best,
One day he'd proclaim "INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!"


  1. TGIF Specials

    Whoohoo!! We made it to Friday!

    1. Rudolph gets even.

    2. Basil tells how Evil Grinch Glen stole Christmas.

    3. The Splurch

  2. Hidden Lies and Filthy Truths

    How Evil Glenn™ Stole Christmas is sure to be a cyberclassic that we shall all refer to one day when attempting to explain to our great-grandchildren that blogging once endured a Jazz Age.
    In case anyone was curious, I play the part of SADIE LO...

  3. You're a mean one, Evil Glenn.
    You really are a fart!
    You're as cuddly as a cactus
    You're as charming as a dart!
    Evil Glenn:
    You're a Kosser in a Kossack without any heart!

  4. Filthy Round-Up: Evil Glenn's Christmas

    Ever wonder how the blogosphere's most evil lawyer spends his Christmas? Well wonder no longer! Harvey, posting at IMAO, found out a long time ago, and gives us this recycled verse about Evil Glenn. basil has an eerily similar recitation


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