Saturday, January 8, 2005

Assignment: Filthy Lie

A Filthy LieEven thought I was recently threatened with a horrible death, I knew I had to do my duty. I reported to the Alliance that Evil Glenn Reynolds had visited, although inadvertently. Those that know me know that I'm not one to blindly follow when others say "Go," but I do have a healthy respect for the Chain of Command. The Alliance has indicated they need information regarding Evil Glenn Reynolds holding the position of Attorney General. I had my assignment. And, unless caught or killed, I would see it through.The first problem I encountered was how to gather the information. Being an old news reporter, I figured the easiest way was to ask Evil Glenn Reynolds himself. I remembered that he had called me and warned me not to talk. I grabbed the phone and started scrolling through the Caller ID lists. Ah, there was the number.

I dialed and a lady answered. No, "Professor Reynolds" was not available. I explained who I was. She asked me to hold, and I heard "The Girl From Ipanema" for about 20 seconds. Then a voice on the other end goes "Campus Security." I put the phone down. Time for a new tactic. But what?

So, I recreated the events of the other evening. I put the TV on the History Channel and grabbed a bag of Fig Newtons and some Diet Rite cola. Then, I began humming "Garry Owen," Slowly at first, barely audible. Then louder and faster. Then, I heard the humming change slightly in pitch. I stopped humming, but the tune kept going. Suddenly a flash of light, a hint of smoke, and there stood Evil Glenn Reynolds.

His face betrayed him. He didn't want to be here. "You!" he hissed. I explained I had some questions. "You dare question me?!" he thundered. "No one questions me!"

Then he paused. "However, I do have all the answers. What's on your mind?" I said, "I was curious if you should ever be Attorney General, if..." He cut me off. "IF?! IF!? Ha! You mean 'when,' don't you?"

"So, you think you will be one day?" I asked. He just smiled. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the Universal Remote Control. "Let me show you," he chuckled. He pushed a few buttons and everything went black.

I was sitting at a long wooden table in a quite comfortable chair, facing an impressive-looking bunch of men and women. Evil Glenn Reynolds was to my left. The room was unfamiliar. I found out later we were in the U. S. Capitol building, in a Senate conference room. There were no cameras, just Senators, Glenn Reynolds, me, and some squirrelly-looking fellow sitting off to one side. I couldn't see what he was doing.

Senator Harold Ford, R-TN, was asking a question. "Professor Reynolds, if confirmed as Attorney General, what will be your policy regarding..." Evil Glenn Reynolds bolted to his feet. "IF?! You dare ask me 'if?' I made you and I will break you!" He raised his arm and pointed at the future senator. "Here's just a taste of what's in store for you!"

The room took on a hellish glow. Everyone disappeared except for me, Evil Glenn Reynolds, and Harold Ford. The future senator was on the ground now, surrounded by flames. Hot lava flowed around him as flames licked at his skin. He screamed and writhed in pain. In a voice that sounded suspiciously like Malachi Throne, the Evil Glenn Reynolds said, "From a fable you once heard as a child."

The room brightened. Everyone was seated as before. Senator Harold Ford, R-TN, was speaking. "I have no further questions, Mr. Chairman." Senator Jeff Sessions, R-AL, said, "If no one else has any questions, I see no reason why this committee cannot return a unanimous recommendation to the full Senate. I'll telephone the President and give her the good news."

All went black for a moment, but I could still hear Evil Glenn Reynolds' voice. "So, you see, poor fellow, it's not a matter of if I'll become Attorney General, or should I become Attorney General, but when I'll become Attorney General. Not today; there are things I must make happen first. Some I'll convince they must do my bidding. Others -- those without souls -- I'll possess and do the work in their place. Then, all will come together as I have deemed. And in my own time." The last sound I heard was his evil cackle as I passed out.

When I awoke, the television was on Lifetime. I immediately changed the channel. Fox News. "That's better," I thought. Geraldo Rivera was on the screen, talking. Something about the future of the Republican party as it prepared for the 2008 presidential election.

But that look in his eye. I had seen in before ... as it glanced scornfully at a writhing Harold Ford.

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn - US Attorney General?

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