Monday, January 24, 2005

Headline News 2005-01-24

From ABC News:
Study Finds No Explaining Weeping Madonna
Maybe her last movie and her last album

From ABC News:
Rotting Carcasses at Wyo. Plant Removed
New "Feed The Mascot" guidelines to be drafted

From ABC News:
Late-Night TV Icon Johnny Carson Dies
Carson to be interviewed by Dan Rather next month

From ABC News:
UN Asks if World Can Stop Future Genocide
It seems to have stopped in Iraq

From ABC News:
Poland's Walesa Ponders Presidential Bid
So, just how many does it take to have an election?

From ABC News:
Kimberly-Clark Quarterly Net Profit Slips
Shareholders ask who can stop the bleeding?

From ABC News:
World's Largest Iceberg Posing Problems
Ice Cube's big brother in trouble again

From ABC News:
Teen Helps Build Firefox Web Browser
'Pamela Anderson' theme explained

From ABC News:
Tests Show Viagra May Help Enlarged Hearts
Side effects include localized swelling

From ABC News:
Scientists Find Sex Differences in Brain
Harvard president still in trouble anyway

From ABC News:
'Alexander,' 'Catwoman' Lead Bad Pix Nominations
'Fahrenheit 9/11' snubbed

From ABC News:
Fallen U.S. Porn King Goldstein Rebuilds with Bagels
Just don't ask how he carries them

From ABC News:
Democrats Stall Vote on Rice Confirmation
Criticize President's 'partisan' policy of nominating Republicans for job in Republican administration

From AJC:
Airport officers to get lessons in getting along
Rodney King gets job as instructor

From CNN:
Branson mulls starting Indian airline
Flights from Oklahoma to Missouri to begin in April

From CNN:
Researchers: Girl passed bird flu to women
Harvey Birdman's daughter quarantined

From CNN:
R 2 many txt msgs bad 4 U?

From CNN money:
Barbie auditions for 'American Idol'
Has more talent than previous winners

From News4 Jax:
Mayor Needs $200,000 More For Super Bowl Security
Mayor John Peyton: "I could have been prepared if I had been told the game was coming to town"

From The Iowa Channel:
Marshalltown Women Bare All For Charity
Charity begins at home; take US Hwy 80 west...

From CNN:
Microsoft not appealing EU order
Will simply ignore ruling, just like in the U.S.

From CNN:
New findings change thinking on human sacrifices
Maybe not so bad after all

From CNN:
Democrats charged in Election Day tire-slashing in Wisconsin
Republican's blamed for driving cars with tires

From News.Telegraph:
White House tries to allay fears over Bush militarism
Will send 3rd I.D. to answer any questions that remain

From Concord Monitor:
Abroad, doubt on Bush doctrine
Except in Afghanistan, Iraq

From South Florida Sun-Sentinel:
Israel's Netanyahu endorses Bush plan
Former PM: "Hey, it worked for Moses"

Visit the Beltway Traffic Jam


  1. great headlines as always...i think that you are to headline parody what Johnny was to late-night television, but we'll need another 29 or so years to test my theory. until then, keep me laughing!

  2. HA! just noticed the terror alert level thingie....hilarious!

  3. Thanks. That's an awfully high standard you're setting for me there. Then, again, real pros like Leno and Letterman will never reach that level. No one will. But I do appreciate the sentiment. Thanks.

    I'm just thrilled that someone's enjoying this. I'll never be thought of like Iowahawk, ScrappleFace, Frank J., or any of the other masters of Web comedy. And I won't try to be them. I'm just me. But I do appreciate your reading. And the nice comments.

  4. i think that just being you and doing what you do so well will get you a lot farther in this web comedy thing than you think it will. but then, you seem to be a humble person, so you might not ever imagine yourself in the group of elite funnymen mentioned but a little more blogging time and a few more important links might change your opinion of your own talents. if not, hey! you're already happy with what you have, and there ain't nothing wrong with that.
    btw...big sis (who's 5'4") hasn't put up any headlines for a couple of days....what's up?

  5. I don't know. I think she has a job or something.

  6. oh sucks, but i love payday! (the candy bar is good too)

  7. Did you notice the last sentance of the human sacrifice article? "It is really very difficult for us to conceive," Pijoan said of the sacrifices. "It was almost an honor for them."

    What a comedian.

  8. Loren:
    And you thought I made this stuff up.


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