Thursday, January 27, 2005

Filthy Lie Assignment: Evil Glenn Controls The Weather

You know the scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion are running through the poppy fields towards the Emerald City? The Wicked Witch is watching in her crystal ball and waves her wand while chanting "Poppies... poppies..." and then they fall asleep? Then Glenda the Good Witch appears and causes it to snow? Ignore all those drug references there and stay with me. They wake up and the Cowardly Lion says, "Unusual weather we're having, ain't it?"

That's how I felt recently. Here in this section of God's Country, it was like 80 degrees just days before Christmas. In recent weeks, we'd have ice on the windshield one day and before the week was out, we were running around in shorts and running the air conditioner. Like the Lion said, "Unusual weather we're having, ain't it?"

Well, I found out why. At the Alliance party last weekend at the Southeast Office, it was announced that Evil Glenn Reynolds? has acquired a Weather Control Machine. That took my mind off the Falcons getting their clock cleaned by the Eagles. You could hear a pin drop when Harvey announced Evil Glenn's? acquisition. The implications were enormous. What would he do with it? We had our assignment.

During the drive back to the house I stopped for gas. I'm standing there putting unleaded into the truck while the wife is inside buying lottery tickets, when a sudden chill hit. "Unusual weather we're having, ain't it?" I said the person at the next pump. He just laughed an evil laugh. I realized then, the chill wasn't the weather, but rather the presence of pure evil. The person at the next pump was none other than Evil Glenn Reynolds?.

"Why are you doing this with the weather?" I asked.

"It's all part of my master plan," he replied.

"Stealing the moon isn't enough?" I demanded.

He replied, "Oh, that. I sold it on eBay. It's like that old Vulcan proverb."

"Ah, yes," I replied. "'Having' is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as 'wanting.' It is not logical, but it is often true." He sneered, "No, 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.'"

"Yeah, well, watch your back. 'Revenge is a dish best served cold.'" I countered.

"That's Klingon!" he shouted. "Besides, are we going to swap Star Trek quotes all day? Didn't you have a question?"

"I asked it," I said. "Why are you doing this with the weather?"

"Oh, yeah," he said. "My bad." And he told me. He was trying it out, since he bought the smaller model. The large model Weather Control Machine had all kinds of extra features, but it was yellow. He didn't care for yellow. So he got the green. But that was the smaller model.

The tsunami was an accident, he said. He left his office for a minute and didn't unplug the machine. Kevin Aylward, whose turn it was to get coffee for Evil Glenn?, walked by the machine and started pushing several of the pretty buttons. You saw the rest on TV. Evil Glenn? scolded him and made him go wash the cat and clean the litter box. Turns out that Evil Glenn? was upset, no so much about the loss of life, but that others might be wise to the fact that he owns a Weather Control Machine.

"So, yeah, I understand. Things happen," I offered.

"But my plan is still in the works. I'm going to cause a giant earthquake!" he laughed.

"Whatever for?"

He laid out his plan. "I bought up a bunch of land in Nevada. I'm going to cause an earthquake and California will fall into the sea. Then all my land will be prime, ocean-front property. Just like the song." And he laughed that evil laugh.

I stood there for a minute. "First, the song goes 'Ocean-Front Property in Arizona,' not Nevada. Second, it sounds like a plot from a bad Superman movie."

"Oh, no," he countered. "The bad Superman movie plot was from the one with Richard Pryor that they stole in 'Office Space.'"

I asked, "What about the one with the flying chick that wore that black outfit?"

"Silly. That was Superman II," he laughed.

"It must be from the first Superman movie, then," I offered.

Evil Glenn? paused. "Didn't see that one."

"Sure," I said, "it's the one where Lex Luthor steals the nuclear missles to fire at the San Andreas fault to cause California to fall into the ocean and then his property in Nevada will be worth billions."

He was quiet then. He finished pumping his gas, replaced the nozzled, secured the gas cap, and walked to the door of his vehicle. He pulled out a device from his cloak and punched a few buttons. "Kevin? What do you mean suggesting a plot from a Superman movie? Are you insane? It's been done! What? Oh, don't go blaming Jay Tea for this. No. Cancel all the plans. I'm turning around and heading back that way now. Yes, I'll be there in time for supper. Have it skinned and brought to me raw. What? Tonight? Yeah, the brunette. No, the other one. Yes, her. Bathe her and bring her to my tent. And I'll deal with you when I get there."

He got into his vehicle and drove away. I finished with the gas pump as the wife got back with 20 scratch-off tickets. She scratched (won $7.00 and two more tickets) while I drove. I was deep in thought.

I was happy that his recent plan had been so easily thwarted. But he still had the Weather Control Machine and might still use it. But, so far, the weather had been pretty consistent here. Maybe he's given up on that. Then, again, there is an awful nasty-looking cloud on the horizon.

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  1. Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn Controls The Weather

    "Everyone complains about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it." ~Mark Twain "I'm going to do something about the weather, and everyone will complain about it. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Indeed." ~Glenn Reynolds. Taking his lust for power to new hei...


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