Wednesday, January 5, 2005


I've always been afraid of bridges. Yes, bridges. Those things that stretch over bodies of water. Bridges. And not Todd Bridges. That's not what I'm talkin' 'bout. I'm talkin' 'bout bridges. I have an irrational fear.

Perhaps all fears are irrational. Spiders, for instance. Why would anyone be afraid of spiders? Well, the fact they have way too many legs is one reason. Why do they need all those legs? And snakes. They don't have any legs. That's scary. Maybe them and spiders should get together and work things out. But, my luck, they'd fall in love and have little snake-spider babies. Then, I'd have to worry about snake-spiders crawling around sticking their little forked tongues out, waiting to jump on me. But that won't happen, until the mad scientists get tired of cloning sheep and Korean babies and start to work on spiders and snakes.

Anyway, I don't like bridges. I'm not sure why. I don't think anything happened when I was little to create such a fear. For example, I've heard no stories of me being asleep in my crib and a bridge sneaking around, trying to steal me and replace me with a changeling. Although, that's not to say it didn't happen. It's just that, if it did, it's been hushed up.

When I'm traveling, I will hold my breath when I cross a bridge. If the bridge is really long, like the Buckman Bridge in Jacksonville, I have to hold my breath for a really long time. That bridge is like two or three miles long. And there's a really long bridge near Brunswick. Or there used to be. Maybe I'm bigger now and it doesn't seem as long as it used to be. But, still, it was hard to hold my breath when I went across it. And, there's a pretty long one on Georgia Highway 169 bridging Appling and Tattnall counties.

Actually, these bridges might not be all that long. I guess it depends on what you are used to. But, in the town I grew up in, there are lots of small bridges in the area. In fact, you can't get into my hometown without crossing a bridge. And not every bridge crosses water. Some cross land. Really. But there is a bridge on every road going into my hometown. That's why it's so hard to rob a bank there. One time, there was this crew that had robbed banks in Jacksonville and Savannah and the area. Well, they decided to knock over one of the banks in my hometown. Unfortunately for them, it's standard procedure that, when a bank robbery occurs -- and they don't happen that much -- the local law enforcement agencies call the neighboring areas and tell them. Then, the neighbors simply set up roadblocks on a bridge. Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't try to run a roadblock on a bridge. Burt Reynolds can pull it off in a movie, but in real life, I don't think so. Anyway, these clowns that had been robbing banks found out the hard way that my hometown is an island, only instead of being surrounded by water, it's surrounded by bridges. So, their multi-state crime spree ended because some little redneck town understands bridges.

Like spider and snakes, bridges serve a useful purpose. But I still don't trust them.

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