The Big Sister's Headlines 3/24/05

Woman Eating Chili Bites Into Human Finger

If the chili is the woman-eating variety (which would make it well beyond hot and spicy!) then what did it expect?

Maine College Hosts Wine, Beer Tastings


Spokesman Bluto quoted as saying, "Grab a brew. Don't cost nothin'....My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."  And that's how the tastings became guzzlings...

U.S. Won't Confirm Reports on Kyrgyzstan

Because the spell-checker keeps putting little squiggles under kyrgyzstan

Kyrgyzstan Leader Reportedly Flees Country

He couldn't spell it either... When the driver asked where he wanted to go, he said, "Oh, man, I don't know." He was last seen in Oman...

Kyrgyzstan Opposition Facing Next Move

Oman is looking better and better...

Regimes Quiet About Kyrgyzstan Revolution


They're afraid they'll be asked to spell it when the media ask for correct spelling for quotes

Plants Challenge Genetic Inheritance Laws

At the annual conference, plant spokesman Herb Tuber, claimed using grass made vegetables out of the perennial nuts and fruits in attendance, and the only ones allowed to remain in the gene pool should be the water plants.

Feds Award Contracts to Clean Nuke Sites

Merry Maids inundated with work...

Museum to Show Dinosaurs Being Taken Apart

Well, that explains why we don't know if they're reptiles or birds. They're neither. They're LEGOS!

Fighting Cows to Face New Doping Tests

Suspected case of steroid use in fight with Bugs Bunny...

Elderly Woman Faces Murder Charge in Pa.

Ma Kettle reportedly on the lam...

Minn. Company Recalls Frozen Cookie Dough


Spokesman: "I knew her when she was just a chocolate chip off the old block of frozen dough. Although she sometimes turned a cold shoulder to others, it's a shame she'd end up a half-baked fruitcake..."

Teacher Claims Shroud of Turin Is Fake


Well, after years of controversy, it's a relief to finally have that settled...

Teacher Claims Shroud of Turin Is Fake


Shroud of Turin claims teacher is fake

British Lawmaker Demands Royal Answer


No, your highness...

Judge: Ga. Sheriff Can't Fire En Masse


He can't fire in prayer meeting or Sunday School either...

Drunk Driving Suspect Nabbed at Drive-Thru


I don't have anything humorous to add; that's funny enough on its own...