Thursday, January 26, 2006

Evil Glenn's Spacecraft

A Filthy LieProfessor Hubert J. Farnsworth walked into the room.

"Good news, everyone!" the professor exclaimed. "We've just acquired the contract for the Glenn Reynolds Institute."

Turanga Leela and Philip J. Fry looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

"What's that, Professor?" Leela asked.

"What's what?" the professor asked back.

"The Glenn Reynolds Institute," Leela said.

"Oh, my! I've been trying to get the contract from them for years," the professor replied, "but I'm afraid we'll be shut out again this year."

Fry spoke up. "Didn't you just say we acquired the contract for the Glenn Reynolds Institue?"

"Oh, you've heard the news," Professor Farnsworth said. "Drat! I wanted to be the one to tell you."

"So, what's the Glenn Reynolds Institue, Professor?" Fry asked.

"Fry!" the professor scolded. "Glenn Reynolds is from your time. You should know all about him!"

"Never heard of him," Fry said.

"He was as a law professor before lawyers were outlawed following the Uprising of 2012," Professor Farnsworth explained. "It didn't affect him at all, since he had completed his takeover of the Internet in 2008. In fact, that's how he made his first $7,000,000."

Fry stared at the professor blankly.

The professor continued, "He's the reason I get to wear pajamas all the time. In fact, before him, what we call 'pajamas' used to be called a 'bathrobe.' But he changed all that, and pajamas became the outfit of fashion."

Bender spoke up. "Sounds like a loser to me!"

Professor Farnsworth said, "Well, duh! He was a blogger! Of course he was a loser! But he was a genius loser. There have only been maybe a dozen in the early days of the Internet and blogging. Glenn Reynolds was one. There were others, but nobody remembers them."

"So, what's that got to do with the contract?" Leela asked.

"I'm getting to that," the professor said. "Besides taking over the Internet, he took over radical organizations, too. Like PETA. That was the second part of his master plan."

"What were the other two, Professor?" Leela asked.

"I told you about taking over the Internet. After news on television, on the radio, and in newspapers and in magazines finally went the way of the dinosaur, the Internet was all that was left. That was one part of his plan. The second part was, as I said, controlling all the radical organizations like PETA. And the third, was his takeover of NASA spacecraft, starting with the New Horizons probe to Pluto," he said.

"I'm confused," Fry said.

"You're always confused, Meatbag," Bender said. Then the robot walked off singing, "Bender is great! Yeah, yeah. Bender is great! Yeah, yeah...."

Farnsworth continued. "By controlling the Internet, Glenn Reynolds controlled all the news. He was able to shape opinion."

"By controlling PETA, he was able to use their connections to stop drug and military testing on puppies. Then was able to buy all the surplus puppies."

"By controlling the spacecraft, starting with the mission to Pluto, he was able to get all the ice that's found in the solar system. Like on Pluto. And in the comets."

Fry looked confused. "I understand about controlling news and public opinion. But what about puppies and ice?"

Hermes Conrad exclaimed, "Great Bob Marley's Ghost! Don't you know anything? Puppy smoothies, of course!"

"Ewwww!" Fry exclaimed. "Who would drink puppy smoothies?"

Hermes and Farnsworth looked at each other, then back at Fry. In unision, they said, "Glenn Reynolds."

Leela stood up. "All this talk of food has made me hungry. C'mon, Nibbler."

She walked out the door, with Nibbler at her heels.

As she turned to go to the kitchen, Nibbler paused, then quickly scurried to the back door.

He opened the door, looked carefully around, and went to the hiding space for his space ship.

Nibbler climbed inside the ship, picked up the microphone, and spoke.

"Come in, Eternium Space Control," he called into the microphone.

A voice crackled from the speaker. "We hear you, Lord Nibbler. Do you have news to report?"

"Yes, Space Control. I located the name and timeframe of the evil Puppy Blender. I'm setting my temporal controls to the year 2006. If I can protect a spacecraft from being captured by the Puppy Blender, his master plan will fail."

The Nibblonian on the planet Eternium responded, "Our friends from the Dog Star will be glad to hear the news. Good luck, Lord Nibbler. May Frank J. be with you."

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