Bonfire of the Vanities #88

Welcome to the 88th edition of Bonfire of the Vanities. You won't be glad you came.

To tell the truth, I was really excited to be hosting an edition. The kind folks at Wizbang (now that's Paul's on hiatus) consented to this little blog hosting this week's edition. And I only had to hold their head under water for 2-3 minutes, tops.

Although this is the first time this little blog has hosted a major event such as this, I felt no fear. I knew that those submitting would make things really easy. I felt really, really good about this.

Then I got Fred Ottley's submission. Our Faithful Friend Fred submitted an entire blog.

And it's not his blog.

But it's a funny blog. I know it's a funny blog because it's name says so, despite what impression you may get from reading it. Compared to that blog, this little blog is freakin' hilarious. Well, okay, it's not. But thanks for playing, Fred.

Then there's the submission from our beloved Spear Shaker, who laments the vanishing of a post upon publishing. He admits trying to stretch his HTML incompetence into self-mockery, resulting only in self-indulgent farce and contrived self-parody. Oh, and it wasn't funny either. In the midst, he quotes, like, Bob Dylan. To be honest, I got lost about half-way through. But, I can translate it for you:

"My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." To which I say, "Gosh darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore."

Next we received the entry from Ferdinand T. Cat of Conservative Cat, who is looking out for us. I'm always happy to read something from our feline friend. Or I usually am. But he let Bruce get to the computer and Ferdinand had to run interference for us.

After reading that, Ferdinand, I'm glad it's you on the front lines. I don't think I'm man enough to take that day after day.

The Zero Boss writes that others get certain pictures, but he doesn't. Dude, relax. Don't act like a little titty-baby. Uh, mmmm, ah, hmmm. Well, I guess in this instance, it's perfectly alright. Go ahead.

The next submission was from RichieD of exvigilare, who has got a hard on about what? He used the following phrases or words: "pumped," "BIG FAT STINKIN' BONER OF A MONSTER ERECTION," "banging it out," "blowing," "the most amazing feeling," "Come," and "behind." What's he talking about? Why, trumpet-playing, of course. Very interesting piece, there. I never, before now, knew the passion that bubbled beneath the surface of one who plays the trumpet. And, like the player of that instrument, the post he submitted blows.

But, the name of the site did catch my eye. I always know I'm in for a treat when someone feels he has to explain the name of his site with a definition from the dictionary. After reading it, and reading it again, I was a somnambule most of the day.

After I finally recovered, I checked the other submissions. Remember what I said about sites where the blogger feels he needs to explain the title. Just my luck. Beck from Incite submitted a piece on the Code of Hammurabi. What brought that about? He explains:

I googled the Code of Hammurabi for a throw-away link in this post.

Here's a tip. If something is "throw-away," throw it away.

The next submission made me go back to the Code of Hammurabi's for its attitude on prostitutes. Turns out, there's no penalty. So, link-whoring isn't a crime. Lucky for Kevin of Techno Gypsy, who made a blatant attempt for an Instalanche with this gem.

On the bright side, he is showing his qualifications for hosting next week's Bonfire! Heck, he could have a large fire burning using nothing but his own stuff.

Imagine my pleasure when I saw the next post was from one of my favorites, Beth at MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Imagine my disappointment when I read her submission.

Now, I have gone and let family members post here on this little blog. But Beth shows how much a problem that can be when a certain relative gets the keys to the blog.

I guess y'all from up north and out west now understand why we here in the south used to lock certain relatives away in the attic. Looks like we were on to something, huh? But, it's the 21st century, and we can't do that anymore. Beulah Mae, you can let Beth out now.

Gordon, the maestro also known as the Cranky Neocon, gives himself a makeover. Honest Injun! After following through all four steps, I was physically ill. And I don't know if it was having to read that post, or that fact that what he said was plausible.

Spirit Fingers submitted one that, quite honestly, I was totally mesmerized by. Think driving-by-a-car-wreck mesmerized. I had to check to see if it was for real. It appears to be. Now, it could be a fake with a Web site set up and everything. But, if so, they got me. They got me good.

In retrospect, I wish this piece had been submitted to The Zero Boss. He and I would have both been a lot happier.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, our good friend mad anthony lives up to his name with his submission. He wrote in to share his people skills with us. His confession post is one in which he discusses an even-stupider-than-usual encounter in the fun world of tech support. Now, to be fair, mad anthony has a point. But this attitude is from a guy who can't even run an automatic installation script from HaloScan? Dude!

The next submission was from Andrew Ian Dodge, who offers his full name, which gave me pause. I couldn't think of why. After reading his piece, "Cigars and Bullets?" my confusion subsided. Three names? Hmmm. Other people known by three names and who share a love for firearms: Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, John Wilkes Booth, Charles Joseph Whitman, Mark David Chapman... you get my point. Anyway, dude, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

When I read the next submission, submitted by The Man at GOP and the City, something didn't seem just right. It was about a Tennessee reporter's attempt to scare us, backfiring. It sounded familiar. Had some stupid reporter seen another stupid reporter's stupid story and thought, "Hey, I can be stupid, too"? Actually, no. It was an old story. Then I noticed that the blog entry was posted last September.

Dude. Trust me. I read your blog. Every day, I read your blog. You don't have to go back to September to find something worthy of the Bonfire. Really. But I can't blame you for getting the jump on spring cleaning.

Actually, it's probably not a bad idea of finding some really old stuff that deserved a little flame. Sort of a Bonfire of the Vanities, Archives Edition. But this ain't the forum. So if anyone feels cheated that they don't get a recent post from GOP and the City, don't feel bad. Check out today's post. Or tomorrow's. It doesn't matter. All the same high quality Bonfire fuel.

Speaking of which, you can never go wrong when you visit Multiple Mentality. And if you believe that, I have a bridge or two I can let you have cheap. But, at least you can find what's of concern in Washington state. Multiple Mentality co-founder lowcommotion takes to task a local lawmaker (local to him, anyway) who thinks that violent video games are a bigger problem than any real issues. It's nice to know that fraudulent gubernatorial elections aren't on the radar. lowcommotion defends what's important in that part of the country: pimps and hos.

Speaking of hos, Sean Hackbarth of The American Mind wants his favorite counter-terror ho back on the boob tube. It's hard to argue with that. In fact, I think something was kind of hard as Sean wrote his little blog entry. If you're that hard-up to see some babage, the producers of "24" know that you'll be satisfied just to see Chloe when she returns later in the season.

But it's nice to know that the topics addressed in the show, such as terrorism, torture, nuclear security, and such take a back seat to the real important issues, such as seeing some skin. Ever think of moving west to Washington? lowcommotion could use a friend with the same priorities.

Just as this week's submissions had nearly driven me crazy, Superhawk of Right Wing Nut House shows up with a piece on hetronormativity. I'm not sure what's worse, the moonbats at Harvard who are upset with well-known political and cultural expert, Professor Jada Pinkett Smith, or the fact that Superhawk was surprised enough to think it warranted space in the blogosphere.

Dude. It's Harvard. You know where Harvard is, right? It's right outside Boston. Boston's got a pretty good baseball team and a pretty good football team. But that's about all they have that someone on the right could appreciate. Oh, and baked beans. Speaking of which, that's not the baked beans I'm smelling; it's your post.

But it doesn't compare on the Blog-O-Smell meter to the entry by Eric of Vince Aut Morire. Eric, man, you took up my time and everybody's time to let us know that you've got an anti-virus program on your computer? Well, well, well. That's great. Congratulations.

Now that you've reached that 1985 level of technology and have a working anti-virus program, I'm looking forward to you advancing to 1995 and installing Windows and dumping MS-DOS. And, when you hit 2005, drop me a line. I'll probably be in a nursing home by then, but I'd still like to know.

Another thing I'd like to know is what in the world got into John from WuzzaDem's mind. He said he thought the idea of Pat Buchanan and Ron Reagan being forced to talk like hillbillies was funny. His special edition of Scarborough Country, with the emphasis on "country," read like an old edition of the Jeff Foxworthy Show. Remember that piece of crap? Bunch of La-La Land writers trying to sound like rednecks? Bad accents and worse jokes. Now I know what John did in an earlier life.

Oh, and like The Man's earlier submission, this one was a little outside the time-line of "the last week." But I'll give you this: it sure as heck qualifies in all other respects.

Another qualifier, is the Quagmire Quiz, brought to you by Are You Conservative and the letter "Q." Mrs R (which follows Q in my alphabet) says that she thought the cartoon and quiz were pretty good, but thinks the Peter Jennings graphic may have scared small children away. It frightened the crap out of me. No, wait, I had the television on ABC. That's the real Peter Jennings. Her graphic is... YIKES!! It may actually be worse than the quiz.

But not much.

To be honest, I hadn't been so happy for the stroke of midnight since Christmas Eve when I was six. Today, it meant that any further submission would go next week's host, Techno Gypsy. But, I will admit, taking this week's Bonfire of the Vanities submissions has been an experience I'll not soon forget.

But, I'll try.

Seriously, it's been my pleasure to be this week's host, and I do thank you for dropping by.